|Reviews for My Kingdom|
| FrostKnight 3/4/12 . chapter 1
I love how abstract this poem is. Wonderfully detailed, and the imagary is fantastic. However, one line seems choppy. Not to be picky or tell you how to write, but I think you could have written line 5 better. Something like this:
Everdarkening clouds threaten me with an upcoming storm who's winds toss and turn in the sky.
I'm not telling you what to write, because this poem is great in itself.
| tolerate 2/28/12 . chapter 1
Alright, so a review as promised. This is rather short, but straight to the point. I like the way you used metaphors, like the leaves whispering into your ear and telling you stories. I think it's quite original and new. At least I haven't heard of it, and it ain't cliched, that's a plus. Same to the first line, it's good. So, the third line: 'I look down and see the ground below me', I don't think 'see' is a suitable or good word for the line. I mean, it's simple, but maybe you could rephrase it like: 'My head tilted downwards and my eyes were on the ground'. But well, you can choose not to listen to me; it's your own poem, after all. I believe in the freedom of words in writing, so write what comes to your mind and you need not follow exactly. :)
Fourth line, 'I am the queen of my own kingdom' is quite good, but 'and I love it' doesn't go with it. It went out of tune and the rhyming was interrupted, in my head. It might be just be me though. I don't think 'and I love it' was necessary. Just 'I am the queen of my own kingdom' is enough, the impact is strong enough. There isn't much of a problem in the fifth line, but 'soon to come' sounds cliched, you might want to change it to something different? :)
And the rest are fine. I especially like the last two lines, and the last one, 'as long as it leads me back home in the end' is such a beautiful ending to the short poem you wrote. All in all, the poem was great, just need to edit a few words and you're good to go! I hope this review helps you in some ways. Keep up the good work, I'm sure you'll produce even better poems in the near future if you try hard!
| SargentLooneyPencil 2/28/12 . chapter 1
this is very nice... it's exactly how i feel at times.. D
| askingalexandria908 2/27/12 . chapter 1
This is a great poem! It's nicely worded and I can definitely relate to it, I can form my own pictures in my head. I love this, good work!