|Reviews for The Power of the Will|
| Rogue Energizer Bunny 3/19/12 . chapter 2
I like the plot, because I'm actually a serial killer fanatic :P. Couple things though:
1) the police man. He isn't a well-developed character. You simply refer to him as "the police officer" and don't offer any characterization. Because of this, his dialogue comes out as stilted and unrealistic. "You kids are aware that two of the most deadly serial killers are supposedly hiding in this part of the mountains." Is that a question? A statement? And why is he just telling them this? And why did he say "supposedly"? Policemen ONLY talk facts, they never spread rumors. THis doesn't work, because you're just using him to dump information. What I think would work better is to have him ask them if they've seen a man and a woman, and then tell them to be careful because there'd been a couple murders around. I think that'd be much more police officer-like. And give him a personality, for goodness sake :P.
2) name-dropping. I love my Chemical Romance and Fun, personally, but most people don't even know who they are, and everybody associates MCR with whiny emo kids. So just say, "really loud screamy music" or something that everybody can connect with.
3) prose. Less words is more. Cut out any unnecessary words, restate where necesary.
"It was the last day of school, and the last day of my junior year in high school. I believed that I successfully passed all of my finals and AP exams. Yes. Not sleeping does pay off despite what all of the doctors and coaches say. If you need to study, you need to study. If you look at all of the homework that I received during the school year, you can tell that my teachers agree with that."
"It was the last day my junior year in high school. I'd passed all my final and AP exams by staying up super late to study. It pays off, I swear, no matter what adults say about sleep."
But I really do love this idea, and I know you can totally rock it with your writing style. That's why I'm being hard, coz I really want this to be KILLER :P.
Update this soon.
| Rogue Energizer Bunny 3/19/12 . chapter 1
Interesting opening. The second paragraph is a little choppy. I think it might be all the "Be" verbs in it.
"Cameras, reporters, curious people, they WERE all asking me the same question. How DID I get out? How DID I survive? My eyes roll. The real world, or what people think IS the real world, DOES not matter to me anymore after that horrific experience. I DO not even want to think about it at all. Still, after all of the relentless questions, I WILL finally answer, but it WILL BE a different story. It WILL BE about how I discovered the will."
There's a linking verb in every sentence except for "my eyes roll". Check this out:
"Cameras, reporters, curious people, they all ask me the same question: how I got out. How I survived. I roll my eyes. The real world, or the one people consider real, ceased to matter to me after that horrific experience. I'm finally answering the relentless questions. I'm writing about how I discovered the will."
That one only has two linking verbs. And I chopped out a sentence and flipped "My eyes roll" to "I roll my eyes". And it flows much nicer, I think.