|Reviews for A Telepath's Bus Ride|
| Small Wings Flying 10/20/12 . chapter 1
[Well, nobody did in elementary school besides my teacher, who smiled and told me that she trusted what I said, albeit in a tone so fake that even a third-grader could tell it was…well…fake. ] - that's a double negative, so the teacher in that case is not really a "beside".
["Slow down, my dad works here,"] - that's an odd "thought". It is something someone would say out loud, but so coherently in their heads? ... Oh, never mind. Next lines explain it.
I'm curious as to whether these telepathic inputs have a degree to tone in them; I don't really see it mentioned. That would be a nice twist to add on.
["Sorry, I was staring at you."] - should a comma be there?
Okay, general notes. Nice scientific input there; I can't remember the threshold for pain but that much amplification from normal hearing does seem rather painful from what I recall. And the overlay of thoughts must make for a lot of confusion before she was able to sort and sift through them. I like the segregation you brought out here and the slipping in normalplace uni style - I remember my first lecture last year (1st year uni) was also at eight am, except it was biology so I can symphasise being on buses that early...except they're fairly empty. 9am and 10am buses are far more crowded as it's more common. Regardless to the slight contextual difference, this was remarkably relateable with a hint of fiction about it; clever incorporation there. And the open-ending was cleverly used as well, even if it is leaving me without answers. Overall, nicely written.
| Luckycool9 10/2/12 . chapter 1
(Artist-author trade 4 of 5)I liked the ambigious ending and the interactions between the girl and the telepath. I also liked the telepath backstory since it gave her past. Awesome story!
| lookingwest 4/4/12 . chapter 1
I didn't like your first line because of the use "at all", I think it could be bolder if you just dropped those words, but I'm a minimalist and consider them fillers. The sentence would be much bolder as "Being a telepath isn't fun." The third sentence is another instance where there's an extra filler word-"that", doesn't need to be there. Although that one is more nit-picky for me, and isn't as important as the first. Both are just stylistic suggestions though.
...in fact though, I find your use of "that" in the first paragraph a little over-used when it could be dropped, maybe go through and ask if some of them really need to be there. (Another example, in the second paragraph, first sentence, could drop the "that" before "the boring...", you could also drop the second "that" too.
"I…suppose not?" - This dialogue felt out of play for a third grader with the word "suppose", would have fit better with "Um, I guess" or something-again, being nit-picky but it was leaping out to me.
But of course, latter on in my life... - later?
Even though I was born a telepath doesn't mean that at age one I can understand what mommy meant... - I found this confusing with the tenses. You use "was born" but then say "I can"...maybe consider rewording so it stays more consistent, and again, you can drop the unneeded "that" if you wanted.
...it's as though the 65 decibels noise just got amplified by a factor of two. - Since you're spelling out your numbers, like "two" you customarily must spell out all numbers under 101ish, so I would suggest spelling out "sixty-five" as per that general rule, again though-this is stylistic and not a must.
And I can't just choose to leave – I have to get somewhere! - Would feel better with "I have to [go] somewhere!"
Ugh…I need to change the channel… - Enjoyed the humor here!
Oh, right, eight am class;... - You said "8am" a few paragraphs up from this-pick one way to spell it and stick to it for a more consistent visual
"That blonde guy..." - "blonde" is used incorrectly here, it's actually supposed to be "blond" without the "e" for men, if you use the French spelling of it as "blonde" for women. But in American spellings its just supposed to be "blond" for both males and females. So you need to change this one to "blond" but you can continue using "blonde" for women if you'd like, but you don't have to.
"...won't don't you f*cking put" - I found the blocking out of this swear word cheap. Since we know what it's supposed to be, I don't see what the harm is just spelling it out, especially since you don't use it often, even someone younger would know how to fill in the blank.
Knowing what she's thinking, I look away again - found "again" unneeded here, since it's implied
'Slow down, somebody wearing a hard hat is working here.'?" - You can drop the period after "here" if you keep it in the quote
Overall as far as style/grammar stuff, I just feel like you overuse the word "that" wayyyyy too much. Maybe next time you go through editing, just make sure to be aware of the "thats" in the narrative and go through and ask if each one needs to be there or not-it's easy to omit them and really helps with the flow of a sentence, especially if you're using more than one "that" in a sentence, which I saw often.
So! Content-wise, I loved the narrative voice because I thought it was unique and very stream-of-conscious-like which was cool, I don't see that employed that often. While the idea of a telepath is by no means original, I did like your spin with the voice which is what I think makes it stand out the most to me, instead of like an Edward Cullen or Sookie Stackhouse situation. So very cool, and I loved the ending and think you did great with the dialogue, it was realistic save for that one moment I pointed out towards the beginning, but otherwise made sense and flowed wonderfully!
| post-it123 4/4/12 . chapter 1
I liked the mysterious cliffhanger ending. But i have to agree with ur main character "its just an ad", that girl got awfully angry about it. Its a great story with amazing detail and some nice humour, like the part about learning to be a concerned listener rather than a creepy telepath! A couple of minor grammar moments but it was a really good chapter, ive never read a telepath story before and i look forward to reading more.
| exquisite-expression 4/4/12 . chapter 1
From the Review Game
I loved how it was such a different concept, that immediately grabbed my attention because it was so different.
The ending of it was brilliant as well, it left me wanting to know what happens next.
The only thing I would say is that I would have worded "I could read what exactly" slightly differently; I would have swapped the "what" and "exactly" around, however that is only for me and did not change the fact that this is a great piece of writing. Well done!
| Shayna-18 3/28/12 . chapter 1
This was really good! I think you should continue this or something! :)
| Deedee Elle 3/28/12 . chapter 1
Hi from Review Game.
I like the idea behind this and you have an interesting story. The use of bold type for emphasis worked well as you didn't over use it.
I found it a bit jumpy from one section to the next. I wonder if it would work better with some of the backstory interspersed with the scene on the bus so it didn't feel like separate chunks of information.
I liked the narrator's reaction to the different thought strands, you captured how it must feel to know what people are thinking of you. I thought the section about the poster was a bit too long as the debate about the language didn't seem particularly relevant to the story as a whole, especially as you pretty much repeat it again in the conversation. When you mentioned the voice sounding like a terrorist I thought it was going to build up into something dramatic but it didn't.
The ending feels like it could be the start of something longer with the sense of mystery.