|Reviews for Ravencraft|
| anon 8/30/12 . chapter 1
Heya. Skimming through the first chap was enough to tell me you're way too fond of adverbs. I'll try to read the whole thing when I have the time.
| Writerskill anon 8/26/12 . chapter 1
Hullo! :) Will do my best to give constructive crit! I've only read this first chapter so far, so my comments right now will be mostly technical things-but when I finish the rest maybe I'll be able to discuss the plot itself better. :D
A general comment is that you seem to use a lot of description-which is in no way a bad thing! Some of your descriptions are really very good. However, word choice is crucial. Sometimes words get repeated within a single sentence, making it feel redundant, but at the same time there are certain words that feel too thesaurus-ey and not natural enough-for example, calling a girl a "female," eyes being called "orbs," blood being described as "crimson liquid." Here's a more specific example of what I mean:
"The starless night sky gazed at the dark greenery sleeping beneath it." - I like how you open with this line. The way you worded it makes it seem as though the sky is very much alive, and without any other verbs or adjectives I already get what kind of picture you're trying to convey. However!
"a whippoorwill flew straight into the navy blue scene." - The words 'navy blue scene' kind of take away from what you've built up in the very first sentence. Because the fact that you describe the scene as having a color, rather than an abstract quality, makes it feel 'fake'-almost as though your story is happening on a stage and the "navy blue scene" is merely a painted-on backdrop. If you want to draw readers in and make them feel like they're in the story, seeing things happen before them for real, try to avoid using language like this that will jolt them out of that. :)
I don't know if you'll agree with me, but I feel that a simple yet well-constructed sentence trumps all the long adjective-filled sentences in the world. Where you say, "as the temperature slowly began to decrease"-sure you're making use of your vocabulary there, but you're also giving off a scientific feel, and correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think that was your intention? If you had said something like, "as the air began to grow colder"-that would've been infinitely more simple, no words with more than two syllables-yet it would've given off a more natural vibe.
Also look out for paragraphs wherein you introduce a character by way of enumerating physical traits. For example, in the first paragraph of Chapter 1, we get instantly that Hillary has red hair, silver eyes, and a scar on her shoulder. It's a little too much to take in, especially since we don't even know what her personality is yet.
This kind of exposition dump can be spread out throughout the story-there's no rush to get the readers to know exactly what your character looks like. Maybe you could start by establishing what type of person they are first, so we get to visualize them that way. After all, it's what's inside that counts, right? :D And there will always be opportunities later on to tell us about their unusual eye color or their mysterious scar. :)
Tip-try reading your story aloud to yourself, and maybe you'll get a feel for the things you might want to change upon rewriting.
Sorry if this is really long and if I sound nitpicky or scary! I promise I'm not! I hope it helped though somehow, whether or not you're planning to edit this story further.
Don't stop writing! Best of luck to you.
(Also, sabaw question-do ravens crow? I thought they croaked...or screeched. Of course maybe I'm overthinking this and your ravens are like rooster-raven hybrids dahil fantasy world ito. In which case, cool. :D)
P.S. Hi Kath I know this is you and not your friend. Hahaha. U sneaky, but not sneaky enough.
| Maiqui's friend 3/30/12 . chapter 1
Hey Hilly showed me this story so I decided to check it out and wow. I kinda remembering you telling this stuff to the group...bits and pieces. Yeah.
Anyway, it seems like you're fond of using the comma (,) over the question mark and (...) in your dialogues. I prefer the latter, but whatever, I see a bunch of other authors doing this before. Never really understood it though.
You're also fond of using 'as' in your comparison and transition. I don't remember seeing the word 'like', so maybe you should try mixing those two up so that it won't sound so redundant.
Other than that, this story is interesting (creepy since I know some of their real life counterparts) but nevertheless great. Your vocabulary is definitely much bigger than mine, I can give you that. .3.
["Obviously he would have smuggled it in but, there should be a trace,"]
I think the comma after 'but' is placed incorrectly. Should be before 'but'. I think most sentences containing 'but' or 'yet' have a comma before them since it's some kind of clause, right? OTL I think you were going for a pause effect, and (...) works better in that case. You don't have to worry about overusing it since we're dealing with dialogues anyway (at least that's my opinion).
("Obviously he would have smuggled it in, but...there should be a trace..."
Long review is long, sorry. _; I look forward to more chapters! :D