|Reviews for Kidnapped|
| Queen Sea 7/23/12 . chapter 1
oh! u should write more!
| T-Twizzle 5/4/12 . chapter 1
I really liked this story it was very suspencefull and interesting I think you should keep writing your really good
| Kara Burch 4/5/12 . chapter 1
very good except you the change in point of view. i though it was a wonderful story though.
| TinfoilKnight 4/2/12 . chapter 1
It's an interesting piece, but it does have a couple problems. The first line shows a first person narrator, but the rest is in third person limited - the description focuses on what Alyssa sees, not what a bystander would.
"She looked behind her-a fraction of a second wasted-and saw the outline of a man."
"He kept tightening until she heard a snap-her own wrist breaking."
Somebody watching the scene would describe it more like this:
"She glanced over her shoulder at the man behind her, her eyes wide with fright."
"His grip tightened until I heard the snap of her wrist breaking."
Phrases like 'he saw', 'she heard', and 'Joe felt' all indicate viewpoint. Changing 'she heard' to 'I heard' in the second example switches the sentence from Alyssa's POV back to your narrator's. By keeping the viewpoint consistent, you can give the scene a more organized, solid feel.
There was one line that didn't quite work: "'You can run, but you can't hide.' He said creepily." The first problem is grammar - the sentence should read, "'You can run, but you can't hide,' he said creepily." The next problem is that damn unnecessary adverb. Is it even possible to say that line without sounding creepy? The dialogue should speak for itself. "You can run, but you can't hide" happens to be the last problem. It's cliched, and it flattens your villain into a cheesy stereotype. In a piece as short as yours, this cliche alone is enough to ruin the mood.
It did have a lot of potential, though - good description and suspene. My favorite detail was "Her flaming red hair billowed out behind her like a flag." Great image!
Keep writing! :)