|Reviews for Civil Combat|
| Dr. Self Destruct 6/12/12 . chapter 2
I was a little overwhelmed by all the character in the beginning who were introduced, but I'm glad they don't play a huge, major part yet so I wasn't confused about what was going on and trying to remember everyone's names. xD Just Rex, Boss and Alex seemed to have something to contribute to the chapter in the first scene. I'm kinda glad you dropped those names though and a little about the characters - gave me something interested to focus on, and it's great to see how these other guys act.
And ick about that line of him eating the eggs and feeling the shell when he bit down. That gave me the creeps because I HATE that feeling. xP
Once again, I don't think Rex sounds feminine at all, so I don't know what your other reviewers are thinking, haha. He's very straight and to the point and deals a lot with physical description instead of emotion - something I expect from a guy's narration. I'll be sure to keep a close eye on it in the future for you, though.
Ah, this hint of war does indeed sound very interesting. And I'm glad we're given a little more information/description of the setting when Chase is looking out the window at the rest of the city. Distopians tend to be rather similar in description, so I'm glad you didn't go overboard, but it's nice that you gave enough to give the reader a firm footing.
So far I think I like Rex more out of the two narrators. Not sure why - I think it's his slang. I found it kinda sweet how he cooked breakfast for his team - even if he had to steal money to do it. xD
| professional griefer 6/12/12 . chapter 4
I lerv Rex, but he's so girly...
awesomness again, and now I'm sad because there's no more:(
WICKED,I COMMAND YOU TO UPDATE.
and it's still epic. so keep making it epic.
| Dr. Self Destruct 6/12/12 . chapter 1
I thought I'd jump into the review orgy. :P
Sometimes I read while I review, and so far I've gotten through the first section of this chapter. I gotta say, the first thing I really noticed and that I really enjoyed was Rex's narration. I loved how you brought his slang and colloquialism into the narrative itself, because I think it really helps with the first-person narration, especially when he's pretty much addressing me personally. I always enjoy that breaking of the fourth wall.
I also enjoy how Rex talks about people going to see them play in order to watch them lose. It really brings up the question on why in fact everyone hates them - I'm guessing because they're poor? Maybe. But I have a feeling there's more to it than just that and the fact they fight dirty. Or maybe it is just that. xD It'll be interesting to find out. And speaking of the fighting dirty, I just really like how the narrator talks about it so casually like it's no big deal. Really shows a lack of good sportsmanship, and it gives him this arrogant/snarky attitude that I always love seeing in a character. Assholes are always infinitely more interesting than nice people, and I have no idea why.
I also enjoy the amount of imagery you give, especially the details about their poverty. It's nice to see you know how to put description where it matters instead of overloading it on the reader. And although not much really happens in terms of character interaction or action with the environment, I found myself pretty entertained by the voice alone.
Oh, and I don't remember if this was you or your twin talking about people saying you dude doesn't really sound like a dude, but if it *was* you, I wanna say so far he sounds fine. I could tell right away he was a male... and I think his tone stayed rather masculine throughout the opening narration.
Okay, now I'm gonna read Clark. :D
Oh, nice. I like how you keep Clark and Rex's narrative somewhat similar, but you use Rex's slang to make it very obvious who's narrating. That subtle difference also shows there's a variation between the two. I see Clark focuses a little more on his positive emotions, whereas Rex strikes me as the kinda 'I-don't-give-a-fuck' type of dude.
But yeah, just like the first part I thought this second part was very well written, and I enjoyed the dialogue. I like how you built up to the game, too, addressing the swear running down his neck and how his heart starts to beat faster.
Overall, nice job. :)
I have just a couple suggestions. I don't expect you to use these, just thought I'd point out a couple things I noticed while reading:
[I know they're a bunch of sick bastards – they aren't here for the legislation, they just hope they'll see one of us get killed.]
Edit: I *think* this may be a comma splice, but I'm not entirely certain because of the way the sentence is phrased. Either way, you might want to make the comma after 'legislation' a semi-colon just to be safe since it won't really effect the flow much anyway and will definitely be grammatically correct.
["Yeah, just fine." He's always worried that the connection will stop working, but I don't know why. It never has.]
Style: You may want to separate the dialogue from the action tag since the person speaking and the person performing the following action aren't the same people. It's obvious that it's Clark speaking to his coach, but I'm just being a bit nit-picky just in case.
[I take a deep breath: I can feel my heart pounding faster and the first bead of sweat trickling down my neck.]
Edit: I think a semi-colon or period would work better here than a colon.
| this wild abyss 6/12/12 . chapter 1
Well, I can honestly say I wasn't expecting this when I clicked on it. It's actually very good—a lot better than I was expecting. You write very well and seem to have a good grip on basic grammar and plot building. Count me impressed.
I really liked your character voices in here. They're very distinctive. I really like how their personalities comes through so clearly in the narrative. Characters are one of the most important things I look for when reading, and I love that you've taken the time and invested in your characters. It really makes everything about a story better.
The concept for this is pretty cool, too. Fighting in an arena isn't strictly the most original thing, but you've done an excellent job presenting the premise. If handled right I think you could really take this places. It certainly opens up a lot of options as far as plot goes.
My only complaint is that nothing really happens in this chapter. You've used your hook to introduce main characters—you did an excellent job with that, mind—but it felt almost like a character sketch instead of an opening chapter. I would like to see some action here. Not a full-blown fight necessarily, but maybe see them interacting with their environment some, maybe have a conversation? I mean, I love that we got into their heads but maybe something more, too? Kick start the plot.
But yeah, this is a really good start. You're obviously a strong writer and this seems like a genre you're good at. I'm interested to read more.
| professional griefer 6/12/12 . chapter 3
Your action is great, really fast-paced but effective.
Love the dialogue again! (I may be really repetitive...sorry)
Basically, all the thing I said befoe are still true.
And this is so close to being a rip-off, but you make it job.
| professional griefer 6/12/12 . chapter 2
I really like the dynamic that the team has. it's really realistic-feeling.
I really like Rex, he's pretty cool.
Yeah, the dialogue and description is great. seriously. one thing is that Rex sounds a bit like a girl, but other than that, lovin'it!
| professional griefer 6/12/12 . chapter 1
well, a lot like the Hunger Games...
but your narrative style is really nice and conversational, really kinda fun.
actionawesome, and it was definitely intriguing,
(short review again)
I wanna read moreeeee! and I will...mwahaha
| YFIQ 6/4/12 . chapter 1
This is pretty funny, I'll be looking forward to read the rest when I have time.
Keep up the good work!
| Rogue Energizer Bunny 6/4/12 . chapter 4
Hehe. Now I'm going to refer to him as REX. Forever. In my mind.
Anways, I think REX sounds adorable, and CLARK is awesome too.
Go draw me a picture.
JK. Unless you want me to, because my angry dememted bunny profile pic looks like shit, I mean, let's be honest here.
| Ed Harley 5/28/12 . chapter 1
Even with the eye gauging and crotch kicking; still it’s more dignified than congress. I’m figuratively blown away! Terrific funny weird novel idea! Skillfully written, unpredictable.
The first section made me laugh at Rex’s misery; now I feel bad about laughing. The second part was real concise; nice pragmatic fighter’s viewpoint.
What does ‘AU’ mean?
| RedNoble 5/18/12 . chapter 3
and so i was planning on going on a huge rant about how crappy life is and how done i'm with trying to keep up with it. i'd get on my virtual knees and apologize for my incompetence and tardiness. i'd plead for forgiveness, but instead i'd figured you'd rather get a review instead of a whiny excuse-bearing message.. and so.. here i am.
forgive me? no? alright.. i'll just go jump off my window now.
IN REGARDS TO YOUR STORY:
OH! I CAUGHT ONE! I caught a spelling-error fish.
"Boss doesn't MEET my eyes." not, "Boss doesn't met my eyes." it's in the second part of REX's POV.
"Ad I take a deep breath".. is that meant to be 'And' instead of 'Ad'?
"Rex can learn t take it." you ate the O in 'to'
holy cow. that's intense. so, the action is starting and they will need more than a miracle to save them! i wanna see what happens. hopefully Rex dosen't die... i like his character.
| JaredDean 5/16/12 . chapter 3
This is really great. I want you to write more!
| JaredDean 5/16/12 . chapter 2
This is great. I'm totally into this story
| JaredDean 5/16/12 . chapter 1
Hey, this is a really great first chapter. Well written. Great description. Liked it very much. I like your style.
| inorison 5/16/12 . chapter 3
Ah hah, things really are starting to happen now! I must admit that I'm cheering for Rex, even though it seems painfully obvious that no amount of Rocky-esque training montages are going to whip that team into shape to take on Nindara 1. Color me a hopeless underdog-cheerer.
There are a few errors in here- you don't close the quotation mark for "Don't worry, I whisper", for example- but it's still certainly quite readable.
Unfortunately, I do notice the same problem that you did- sentence structure and how the story flows needs some work- but I'm drawing a blank on how to offer suggestions that don't sound painfully generic or obnoxiously nitpicky. Part of that I blame on the late hour, but part of it also is that I'm trying to decide how much should be kept for artistic reasons- having a bare-bones style works well for the more desperate setting- and how much should be changed.
I'll mull this over and see if I can come up with any suggestions. Hope to see another chapter soon!