Right now, really wishing there was more. As always, you have a brilliant style. The dialogue amazes me at every turn, and I like how the characters have such unique ways of talking. It’s different than what we, as readers, are used to, but you still manage to make it make sense. Everything blends together nicely, and you wonderfully convey the confusion in Hartwin’s head while keeping everything clear. As always, great stuff. Loved it.

You have a real skill for showing exactly how a character feels, without ever having to explain it. No "he felt sad" or anything like that, everything comes across really clearly. Like, it's never said that Hartwin feels betrayed but through his actions and speech, and his thoughts, that does come through. There's a clear handle on the characters, and again it really shines through. I love the dialogue, it conveys so much but nothing feels forced or anything. Really great, wonderful stuff. Better than most published things I've read, if I'm honest. Keep it up.

epicah.

The opening paragraph is really descriptive. I think this serves for a great hook since you made it so interesting the way you described things. "Her unshaved leg", how "his lips pressed to hers like the dry pages of her dead father's sketches", all of these really stuck out to me and made it more interesting and beautiful than if you were to describe it some other way.

Also, your dialogue is really interesting. [One boy plays knight. "If I catch you whoring her, Jack, I swear to all that's good—!"] That's probably my favorite line right there. It makes me think that this boy might be protective of her, of her as a woman, or knows something is off about Jack. Or maybe he's just kidding around and says it because he's pretending to be a knight? The fact that they get in a fight is foreshadowing something between Jack and the boy.

I enjoyed it! Also, MERRY CHRISTMAS. HO HO HO.

You have portrayed a wonderful start to a story here. I simply love it, and how you write it. It really got into me and touched something. It had this wonderful air of mystery around it that gave a great hook to keep me reading for sure. The low moon, and the woods really give a feel for this, and it is only intensified by the dialog. You show your skill of writing here, and I love to bask in it.

Before you ask, yes I did go back and read the prologue. I love how you manage to make your different stories meld together, and I think the addition here really adds to it. He seems a lot younger here, and I don't know if that's her view of him or not. I would comment on the puncuation with some of the dialogue, but I assume it's intentional. I love the descriptions you have throughout, and they all fit in realy nice with everything else. Great prose, as always, and brilliant at really drawing a reader in.

Hi from the RG ! This is a review for your World 27 chapter, because I have read the original chapter 7 so I can't put the review on the chapter before.

So I read and reviewed the current prologue when it was a chapter, and I guess my assumptions made in that review, were reeeaally off… sorry. Okay.

My favorite aspect of your piece is the tone. Whether inside Hartwin's head like this chapter or just in the third person, I love how your words flow and draw the reader in. I also like how connected everything is—the way white noise pushes Hartwin who pushes himself and the way he drops after his dropping compass. I think your word choice is an excellent way to indicate Hartwin's connection with the game world (let's hope I get it right this time, haha).

I also liked this for the stream of conscious style. It's quite an experience to be inside Hartwin's head. I think it's really impressive the way you tug at emotions when Hartwin's debating whether he has a girl or parents even though the emotion he outwardly (and here, inwardly) displays has been pretty minimalistic.

Merle

Scene: Aww, poor Hartwin in the tub. :[ What I particularly liked about that scene though were his thoughts as he stared at the pocket watch. As disjointed and repetitive as they were, I liked how they were interspersed with little details of things that were bothering him. For me, this helped paint a picture of what was going on in his head and it was a little trippy at first, but I liked imagining the things like Magpie on the train and the music playing.

Character: I don't know how I felt about Edna in the last chapter, but I think this chapter really expressed a side of kindness to her. I suppose it's because of the fact that Hartwin reminds her of an ex, but I really liked the way she sort of stepped in and started taking care of him, haha. I also liked how she was concerned about him when he asked for the flashlight because I think it gives us an idea of what her past might have been like with her ex. It makes me wonder what happened to him.

["and I'll let you borrow it, but you've gotta give it back, okay?"] That's the line that made me think that maybe she had some bad experience when it came to gamer junkies. It made me think that she knew he was going down a dark path, so she had to remind him that he needed to stay alive so he could give her the flashlight back.

Pace: Okay, I'm a little conflicted on this point. I'm liking the way things are going so far because it's all at a steady pace. However, I don't like that I still don't know what's going on. This is probably because I'm only at chapter four, but even with Magpie captured, I don't feel in the loop. Perhaps I've been away from the story too long, but are there *things* to worry about in the underground? I feel so lost because the plot isn't really giving me anything at this point. I wonder, "What is the greater picture?"

At the same time that I don't want you to change anything, I kind of do want things to speed up so I know what the main plot of the story is.

Techniques: Hartwin is unique to me because of the way he visualizes thoughts into pictures. Probably a side effect of gaming too much, but I like it. Everything in his head is so vibrant and *almost* there, it emphasizes how lost he is.

There was a part in his "The code is not the clock" thought spaghetti that I thought was interesting.

[The code is not the clock. The clock is the compass. The compass is the code.] So, by default logic, that means the code is the clock? But what makes it even more fascinating is that he doesn't associate the code with the clock unless the clock is not a clock. If the clock is a clock, it can not be the code. The only way it can be the code is when it's the compass, and that's when he's in the alternate reality.

*mind blown* Or did I get that all wrong? xD Still, I think that's very interesting. What is in the alternate reality for Hartwin to find? What will the code unlock? And who's Liebestod? lol

I enjoyed this chapter; a lot of stuff going on in here. I hope he finds Magpie and makes it back out alive. o:

Velvet.

Regardless to say, you're abilities far surpassed...
-1. I don't think 'regardless' works in this sense ('needless' would be better; regardless doesn't work since obviously they give high regard to his abilities) 2. 'your'

It's been a while since I first read this, but I have read it before and I feel like that's coloring my judgement a bit. It doesn't surprise me at all so I'm sort of looking just at what's here, not the emotions I'd normally have in it. I'll try to remember how I felt reading this, but if it seems like more of a technical review than usual that's why. Fyi. :)

Pace: I feel like Hartwin's recovery/reaction time in the beginning was too quick for what happened to him, as well as how soon it moved on to the next scene. The lack of transition between Hartwin in the hall and him sitting in some office more or less calmly listening to someone talk was disorienting to me, but not to him, which makes it feel weird to me. The way he's acting in the first section, it seems like he's physically worse off than the second section shows, and the lack of a distinct transition (something like 'such and such time later' or 'after such and such thing happened') made this chapter feel rushed. I wanted to savor his total disorientation, haha.

Setting: I know it's a tiny detail, but since it feels like it's implied to be a thing of importance, I want to say how strange it was that the lady had the witch sign on her desk. It seemed hugely out of place for the formal setting otherwise described, the no-nonsense woman described, and the futuristic culture/time period. It felt like an in joke that I just didn't get, to the point of being unrealistic.

Ending: Despite the one-liner, this ending didn't really work for me because plot-wise it sort of tapered off (going from the important bit of Hartwin choosing Edna to 'btw we're awesome goodbye') and implies a slow next chapter (as Hartwin does more of the same, gaming, and has an intermission before Edna arrives). The one-liner adds an extra dose of finality to this arc, which doesn't particularly lead me toward reading on. There's no mystery in this or a cliffhanger, so while it's logically solid and technically sound writing, I just didn't feel it was very strong. I'm a huge fan of wtf tidbits that lead the reader on, though, so maybe it's just personal preference.

Enjoyment: Don't get me wrong, I don't think this is a bad chapter. The events shown here were important and generally worked with what you set up in the last chapter; the only thing I think that kept it from being a plot success was the jumpy pacing. I liked the opening portrayal of Hartwin's confusion and shakiness but thought he moved on to hacking the door and then being calm unrealistically fast; as a character he's extraordinary in several ways but physical recovery time has never really been one of those ways, I think. Overall, it accomplished what it set out to do.

Wow, what a command of the language you have. Love this line especially: "The June cicadas drill, and she hears the wind blowing through the forest leaves like lapping flood water."

This is so beautiful; I can't bear it. You do things with words I wish I could do. Please finish this. I can't list what I love because I would list the whole thing.

Some nits to pick:

* "Eh, Where am I..." says the moon boy
"Eh, where am I..." says the moon boy

* "I said are you a ghost?" Edwidge fears he might be deaf.
"I said, are you a ghost?" Edwidge fears he might be deaf.

* "Well, shit babe, you shouldn't've moved between my fist and that kid's face," says Jackdaw.
"Well shit, babe, you shouldn't've moved between my fist and that kid's face," says Jackdaw.

So, this is the game. It's very cool, though the way you present it is a bit disorienting.

I like the confusion, though. It's a bit like a stream of consciousness for Hartwin, and it reminds of some of your work from INSIWB. It's clear that he sometimes struggles to distinguish reality and the game while he's playing. The use of the word "home" throughout the chapter is a great tool, and it's especially powerful in the last sentence.

I like the way you rattle off his statistics. Instead of the reality of his actions... it's very much what you would expect in a computer game. (He killed 4.5 warriors? Awesome!)

Nice chapter!

I love the way you personify the darkness. The language and images are splendid and vivid- and sinister, because the darkness is intelligent. Seriously, your descriptions are fantastic.

This chapter is very smart. You frame it very well with the repetition of certain phrases. It's all very abstract, except for the jarring return to reality when the train appears in the tunnel. And we continue to see pieces of Hartwin's past... and his crippling addiction to the game.

It's been a while since I returned to this story, but I really enjoyed this chapter. Awesome!

I love the concept of objects having spirits. The ghosts of dead fruit are brilliant. :-)

Really, really good chapter. Great to get more insight into Hartwin's mind, and it emphasises how blurred the lines are for him between reality and the game. It also makes it clearer how people can get addicted to it. I loved the way you showed the confusion, too, the mention of the girl and his mother and the way he sort of has these moments of rememberance, almost, but they disappear so quickly. Very unique writing, too, and I think Hartwin - purely because of the way his POV is shown here - has become one of my favourite characters to read about. Loved it.