Again, you're not explaining very much. What's a lorewolf? Quarters? Who is Magpie, and how does he know Hartwin?

You're really good at description, and I see what you're going for with the exact numbers now, but it would be nice if once you introduce things you could flesh them out.

It's starting to remind me even more of Neuromancer now. I can feel for Hartwin, but is he feeling desperation? Depression? again, can't really tell.

I like how you're setting him up as never being at home by his not knowing it very well, it's better than just telling.

Again, very well written, but more explanation would by very nice.

I really like the style, it reminds me a bit of Snow Crash or Neuromancer (in case you haven't read those, they're both amazing books)

So the writing style has got something good going.

My only complaint was that it was a bit rushed. You take time to explain what was in his pack and how he walks home, but you don't really explain the network, or video game, or whatever he was doing. And for a first chapter, you should probably be setting up.

It was good, though:)

Still really liking this.

Already not much like anything I've read before, looking forwards to how this is going to turn out!

And I wind up finishing all five chapters through EF. *eye roll to self*

I find the opening somewhat unusual considering the circumstances of the last chapter, but nonetheless effective. Somewhat eases into the aftermath - particularly with the mentions of mourning and the list that follows. I like that.

I also like the paragraph from "the clock is not the clock".

I'm not particularly satisfied with the first dialogue between Edna and Hartwin. It seems detached from the rest of the chapter for some reason. I can't exactly pinpoint why. I think it's because you're relying entirely on the conversation at that point in time to represent the characters. You don't do that for the rest of this chapter. The second dialogue is far deeper, so perhaps the first serves only to set that up, but it does seem to be missing something. "The compass is the compass and Hartwin looks at Edna. "Get out," he says." - that line could have been fleshed out and at least Hartwin's emotions during the time a little more exposed. This seems like a reflection scene as opposed to an action scene.

"She leaves shaken and soaked." - should there be a comma after leaves? For some reason I originally read shaken and soaked as names or tags. My bad.

Looking forward to the next chapter.

At this rate, I'm going to finish reading this fic by the easy-fix forum. I guess it's the lack of cliffhangers. No doubt once it's progressed some more, there'll be a stage where I don't want to put it down any more.

Right, your chapter. Again, an improvement from your previous; you seem to get better every time.

"Hartwin waits and imagines the supply train snaking slow from the cavernous tunnel—sleek, white, and silent. " - this might be another opinionated thing, but we've learnt to use colons there as a description is following a mention thereof. Purely stylistic in any case.

Only fifteen minutes? Actually, on that note, you've got an interesting interplay going on here between the arrival of the train and the various time mentions. Actually, the "only", despite being rather startling (nine minutes in peak hour is really pushing it with the metro), it served to draw my attention to that repeated motif further down, filing the phrase in the back of my head. I'm not sure whether that was intended or not, but it was a nice way to tie the chapter together.

Bleak under-cities. Nice image again. You're slowly building up the world from a single man. Goes as far as to be ironic. Another like.

A few more stylistic things:

"A set of security terminals bar entrance to the maintenance station" seems a little heavy on words. Particularly the bit where you've got four words without a connection. It forces a reader (faster ones in particular) to slow down...and considering what came next, wasn't exactly the best place for that.

""Fetch him," Hartwin says, his voice low." - I'm a little lost as to who Hartwin is talking to/about there. I'm assuming it's about Magpie there, so is he talking to Jay and Edna?

"Edna follows, reluctant, lingering, " - I can't help but think that would go better as "Edna followed reluctantly, lingering..."

"Hartwin lets go of the system jam. The doors hitch—and close.

He sees Magpie turn. There's a look of panic—horror, sunk deep into his expression, and even in the low resolution of the cameras, Hartwin can see his scream.

He loses control of his camera and it blanks. There's no music now, just the rain.

He imagines the train moving, with Magpie trapped inside.

A sickness washes over him, raw and too real.

Too real." - I love this section. It's like "bang, bang, bang". And perfect timing too.

"This is real, this is real " - I can't help but think the double repetition is somewhat dulled with the comma. Maybe a fullstop or a dash?

"Jay cries.

He begs." - splitting it on a separate makes the subject a tad tentative, or maybe that's just me.

And the story's finally starting to come together. That's good. I was wondering how long it was going to take.

And the rain motif too. Reminds me of FMA.

I like the way you've started off with the train tracks. Interesting symbolism there. Tracks mean quite a few things after all, and several of them are appropriate for this fic. And the description following is nicely complement too.

In fact, this is a vast improvement from your previous chapter. There are a few sentences that fall flat however, eg. "Hartwin used to like reading but he doesn't like it anymore." - it's one of those "eh, okay, whatever" sort of lines, but the placement rebukes that. You don't want to be finishing off descriptive paragraphs with a line like that. If nothing else, it dims your next paragraph out a little.

And the compass is back. Apparently a recurring motif.

""Where are your shoes?" the man with the round-glasses says." - says? with a question mark? Say is a rather flat word, I think you'd be better off with asks in this case, if nothing else. Ditto for some later occurance. You've overused "says" in this. If it was a motif, it's still overused...which it may be, now that I think about it.

"He was good, wasn't he good Fitcher?" - not a place for a comma in my not-professional-at-all opinion (please tell me if I'm bugging you about the punctuations and I'll stop). It sounds like a slightly more monumental pause. A fullstop, or even a dash or ellipses there?

I like that last sentence though. Nice ending. Now that I think about it, your endings have largely been good.

Excuse the spelling. University computers.

I really enjoyed this chapter.

I found your characterization of Hartwin to be fascinating. I noticed that he doesn't speak—and when he does, I would not be surprised if he doesn't sound quite like a normal person! I liked the depiction of the contrast between the two women and Hartwin's almost identical reaction to them because we get a good look at his characterization and the sense that Hartwin lives completely different lives, in gamer mode with his peers and as a carefree student with his girlfriend (?). Clearly, the latter has fallen apart.

I thought it was a nice touch how you name the streets as you wrote about them. This made vivid the imagery of Hartwin as he was getting home.

Merle

I was surprised how quickly and easily I connected with Magpie's character. There's something about him being so, I wouldn't say oblivious, but just, it's like he doesn't quite get it. I don't know how to explain it: he has a certain air of "gotta make the best out of this crap situation" in the face of a, well, crap situation.

I've always been drawn to characters like that, and you pulled it off wonderfully. I was kind of expecting him to be more serious about the whole thing, but his almost innocent nature really helped offset the darker atmosphere that is Hartwin.

On Hartwin, I really liked the scene where he is calmed down by things that remind him of the game. The white noise, the pocket watch. There's a quality of OCD surrounding it, but it also perfectly shows just how dependent he is on the game. Especially when he can't even remember if he ate or took a bath... yeah, that pretty much sealed the deal for me. The aggression beforehand, too, I thought was a subtle way of pointing out the extent of his addiction and just how powerful something as simple as static could be.

Awesome story you've got here, Potter! I hope you get over your writer's block soon!

Velvet.

I love that quote at the beginning; really seems to suit the chapter.

Okay, the actual chapter. To be honest, I'm not particularly happy with your beginning. I think you could have added detail, reworded things a little, rearranged some of your commas and wound up with something that was both deeper and - if you wanted it to be - more suspenseful. If you were going for flat...you got it, but not the right kind of flat in my opinion. It wasn't particularly attention catching.

I like the next bit though, even though I think even that could have done with a little extra detail as well before easing into the conversation with Magpie. I quite like how you've outlined the meeting, particularly how you've gone through numerical quantities of what's in his refrigerator. You do seem to be overusing commas though. For example, "So they say you're good, anyway, I stopped around up-side a few days back." - The last phrase doesn't particularly appear to relate to the first. I think a fullstop before anyway would work better.

The pocketwatch was a nice touch. Particularly in relation to the compass earlier.

I very much respect the way you introduced the setting. Detailed snippets of a greater landscape, that still leaves plenty of holes for the readers' imaginations to fill. I'm not a fan of the third paragraph. While they may become important later, I feel like it ruined the immersion and the flow listing so many unsubstantial items back to back so early in the story. I found the writing style odd at first, but grew to understand, and enjoy it, as the Hartwin character developed a more substantial profile in my head. All in all this was a delight to read and I look forward to digging into the next chapter.

Review game! :)

I loved your word choice - every word seemed so carefully chosen and really helped to set the mood. It was very eloquent; not too flowery or overbearing, but just enough to get the point across and paint a concrete picture in my mind.

What I didn't like was how ambiguous the chapter seemed. Now, it's probably because it's only the first chapter, and things will be explained later on, but I have questions. Why are those Hartwin's prized possessions (it seems like a random assortment)? What caused him to be so enraptured with gaming that he lost touch with reality? Who is the woman and why is she leaving him? Still, I don't know if I should complain about this because it makes me want to read more.

All in all, I entirely enjoyed the read - thank you! It's always a treat to find something in the review game that I end up reading for fun. Thanks for the good read, and I look forward to reading other chapters.

I have to admit, some of this just goes over my head, but I think that's partly because you're building up a new world that seems different, in parts, from our own. Mainly, the 'run' is the thing I can't help wondering about - I assume it's something to do with supplies and stuff but...yeah. Anyway, other than that, I really love the characterisation here; you manage to give a strong sense of different characters very quickly, so it's easy to picture them and follow what's going on. Hartwin reamins really interesting, and I like how, although he's helping them, it kind of feels like it's just something to pass the time, just something to do and keep him distracted.

Loved the use of the compass, the constant mention of it.

Great stuff.

"...where someone always cries and someone always hungers."

Hungers seems like such an odd word to use here. I'm on the fence about it though because I probably wouldn't have been drawn to the line unless the word was used. I feel like it could really be either way but that an alternative might be starves or goes without food.

The exchange between Hartwin and the women in the window doesn't really register with me. What I mean is that I don't understand why that is needed. I know it was a password, but I thought that this library was a public place?

"The unpopular library settles into bad silence, but Hartwin presses play on his m4a player: day/2012/04/11" I think the tumblr plug was a mistake? Otherwise I don't quite understand this either.

What I definitely like about this story is that I can finally find something different between Hartwin and Ludwig. Hartwin seems to have begun shaking off his need to be on the game and his personality shows him to be a bit more confident than simply the indifference we had seen in the first few chapters.

One think that I think I don't really like is just how confusing all the members names are thanks to Magpie. I'm not sure if Neg is supposed to be Edna or if they're different people. Her speech pattern doesn't annoy me so much as just how difficult it is to understand what is happening when Magpie explains things because in my opinion she beats around the bush a lot.

Interesting story. I like the interplay between the mechanical motifs and the "real" world, particularly the "metallic glare", the "terminal light" and...well, the whole of that first paragraph with its imagery. Your wording is a little flat at times though, with a few places which aren't necessary wrong but certainly causing stumbles in fluid reading. For example, "watching with occasional whispers on forms and technique" - it's not grammatically incorrect but I still find myself disliking that statement somewhat...or maybe dislike is too strong a word. Having the tri-plural system doesn't work particularly well. Perhaps: "whispers on form and technique" - or even "occasional whisper" since the "occasional" part speaks for itself in implying plural. "He passes the graffiti illustrated concrete walls and passes a hawk-eyed boy" - really need passes twice? A synonym would work better in one of those instances. There were also a few places where I think fullstops would have done better in comma - particularly in the conversations.

"Her voice dips low and honest and the door shuts soft." - that line is almost poetic.

This is heading for an interesting psychological read. I'll be keeping an eye on it.

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I love love love this, Potter. Really do.

I love the video game speak and how it feels like a part of this world, not like something you're forcing on readers. It isn't too difficult to understand, but doesn't seem like you're compromising for the sake of your readers. And there's always the probability that you'll explain anything that's unclear further down the road, too.

This is also exactly what I love about your writing style. The unique turns of phrase and ways of coming at a description are so lovely and perfect, and they help set the tone. This and Woden are definitely your best work, in my opinion. They're different without being completely incomprehensible.