|Reviews for The Force of Nature|
| Kallysta 4/10/12 . chapter 1
This piece has got to be one of my absolute favortie on this site. I liked how you made it short and siple for me to read, at midnight, hehheh, and filled with great deteail and an amazing plaot. For example, when you put, "Normally the blackness was busy with stars and nebulas, like quarts crystal scattered in a bright light but the eerie dark was just as haunting as a child encased in darkness at his grandmother's haunted house-" I saw the picture in my mind come up like a screen. And I loved how you portrayed all of the characters in this short story! I could go on forever! Well done! :D
| TinfoilKnight 4/5/12 . chapter 1
Hooray for easy to read sci-fi. Sometimes sci-fi writers just need to loosen up...
"To make matters worse, the crew glared uneasily at the vast emptiness of space that held no stars." The wording in this sentence is a bit misleading - is the problem the vast emptiness of space or the way the crew is glaring at it? I assume it's the space, but the sentence suggests it's the crew's attitude. You could write, "To make matters worse, the crew was glaring uneasily at the vast emptiness of space that held no stars." but it sounds like crap. So then there's "To make matters worse, the crew faced a vast emptiness of space deviod of stars." You lose 'glared uneasily', but it sounds better and makes more sense. Oh, and I replaced 'that held no' with 'deviod of' because it's shorter and more direct. Sorry, I'm a nitpick...
"He marched up to the bald headed freak and with a swing from his left hand; he landed a decisive blow to the man's face, sending him falling into the nearest bunkhead." Well... not sure where that semicolon came from, but whatever. There are better ways to write 'he landed a decisive blow to the man's face'. What does a decisive blow look like, anyway? Did it snap his head back? Crack his nose? Don't be afraid to just write 'He punched him in the face.' The audience knows what a punch in the face looks like, unlike a 'decisive blow'. If you think it sounds bland, add a modifying phrase: 'He punched him in the face, snapping his head back and sending him tumbling into the nearest bunkhead.' When writing combat, keep it simple.
"He fell to the floor and sobbed like a child who had just had his candy taken away from him." Ha. Love this line.
D: Why did I think there'd be a happy ending? Aww... The part about cannibalism was pretty creepy. But I like it anyway.
Keep writing! :)