At first, the sole paragraph was confusing and a throw off. Its difficult to maintain a mind as to who was talking with who. It would be nice if you could seperate them into smaller paragraphs like an actual book. Though I am thankful that as I further read, you did just that. :)

Your story was great and had a little grammar issues but unlike some, I'm not fussy when it comes to grammar though it would be good to capatalize the first letter in some starting sentences. ;) I would have enjoyed a thorough insight inside the mind of our protagonist and there was too much talking which kind of distracted me from the story's good points. More creative detailing would've spiked my interest. Consider using metaphors, similes, or personification. They help a bunch!

However, overall its a good story with so much potential. I personally think you did awesome and that by organizing it more properly, others would come up swarming like a moths to light. -_

OMG LOVE IT

i really love your story you have a great plot cannot wait for more!