|Reviews for The Descendants|
| AParanoidInLoveWithMyFantasy 2/16/13 . chapter 10
Oh, now I see it..:(
Ah, well, I rly rly rly enjoyed your stories so it's kinda sad you're gonna change it all, but I guess a new story wouldn't hurt(: It'll be just as good!
I'm still rooting for ya ;D
| RT13 1/11/13 . chapter 5
So i finally read this! or at least about half so far... Anyway, interesting plot, very creative and I love myths! had an obsession with them for a few years and now know practically every Greek myth there is... :D My obsession is still kind of there and if you're liking all the myth stuff, try reading the Percy Jackson series or really any of Rick Riordan's series if you haven't already. They are amazing and most of my myth knowledge comes from those :P
There are minor glitchy grammar stuff that throw me off a bit when reading like using the wrong/misspelling a word (beginning of chapter 2 "plain" when it should have been "plane" and i forgot which chapter but you used "cheep" when it should have been "cheap" when i read "cheep" little birdies cropped up in my head cuz its like "cheep cheep, imma birdie" and completely threw me off the story. i'm easily amused and distracted) And sometimes there's these awkward "(")"s and once there was a "vary (very)" that i'm guessing is your beta corrections? Even after beta-ed doing another quick proofread is beneficial. Multiple ones at different times just to be extra picky. Sorry, I'm kinda a semi grammar-nazi but i get the whole reading through repeatedly and still missing minor things. Sometimes your brain automatically corrects it so you don't notice. Damn brain, being smart and working ahead :P
i've also noticed you seem to have a fixation on "five minutes" which can become tedious, unless there's some hidden, dark, mysterious meaning or something. You also seem to be using a lot of the popular Greek gods/goddesses which is great but maybe you might want to try others? Like egyptian, norse, lesser known greek/romans, or maybe Aztec though they have some pretty unique names. It'll require research but you might just find the lore interesting.
i'll read the rest eventually, but i've got so much to write/read/not do/procrastinate/etc. and i'm extremely lazy. (: keep on keep on-ing and good work so far
| jnl94 11/5/12 . chapter 9
My only issue, and maybe it's just me, is that everything is in five minutes. It took her five minutes to find the piano room, it took Athena five minutes of thinking for figure out how to find out what Asteria's gift is, etc. I don't know. Just something that irked me.
Aside from that, nice chapter. I can't wait to see what happens with Phoebe!
| jnl94 11/5/12 . chapter 8
Hm, interesting. I wonder who this cloaked figure is. Anyway, on to the next chapter! Maybe some things will be revealed?
| StarStrellaStar 10/20/12 . chapter 5
I'm too lazy to log in, but not lazy enough otherwise I wouldn't review.
I just started reading this story and I loooove it.
I really love the plotline, I'm actually kinda jealous that I never had an idea similar to this _ Oh well... At least I get to enjoy reading it :)
| Daytonius 10/2/12 . chapter 8
Getting better and better. Keep writing
| Gr1m 9/9/12 . chapter 5
The overuse part was a very interesting read, definitely put things in perspective when it comes to their powers. I'm guessing every god has these gifts yet every god has a main gift that is separate? Is that right? But either way i got a little bit mixed up and confused in the beginning due to her thoughts. Probably was my own fault but I'd say read it over or break some lines just in case.
Good on you for explaining just a bit to those who might not get it and getting your audience involved.
| Gr1m 9/9/12 . chapter 4
Pretty good, though I kind of have to ask if your a Harry Potter fan. I'm getting a bit of that from reading, if you aren't I mean no offense by it. But the details in the teachers and the classes give a very normal feel to an other worldly feel. I would say try to make things more outside the norm, maybe specialty classes for each era of Gods or Goddesses. Speaking of which is this a girls only school? Even if it is some contact with a boy reincarnation would be interesting and throw a loop in there. Just a thought though (: will keep reading.
| klaralouw 9/2/12 . chapter 8
Wow, another great chapter! I can't wait to see what happens next :D I was a bit sad that she couldn't stop her vision, but I guess that it was needed, anyway. Please update soon:)
| Lacy.Likes.Pie 8/30/12 . chapter 1
Awesome! Love the concept! Don't have much time today... but I'm DEFINITELY coming back for more
| klaralouw 8/29/12 . chapter 7
Hey! Remember me from ? Lol.. Just wanted to say that this story is absolutely amazing. AND original! I love the way that you write your characters and how (so far) none are Mary-Sues. So yay for that:) Please update soon! xxx
P.S. - If you were to publish this, I would totally buy it :P
| TBWW 8/29/12 . chapter 3
Another easy transition that gets you interested right away. I'm not sure if it was intended or not, but the beginning was funny, it made me laugh a little. xD
Good description of the people coming in during this chapter, but I was still slightly unclear as to what Zoey-Alice looks like, and you don't seem to use her name much, or have others say her name after chapter 1.
Very interesting with the ending, again! You have a knack for beginnings and endings. :)
Thanks for the A/N with the descriptions of the gods and goddesses, that was helpful!
| TBWW 8/29/12 . chapter 2
Well, there was enough detail here, haha! It was interesting to read everything, but it's still talking to the reader, but not only directly, indirectly too. The character is suddenly knowing about what she is and what will happen. Wouldn't it be more interesting to show her eyes changing instead of saying they will? And how does she know this info about what she is when she just found out she is one? Was it in the package?
Still have me interested, but you might want to lean away from telling and do a little more showing here and there.
| NameTBWW 8/29/12 . chapter 1
You had a good start that set a mood instantly, and got me curious. Well done with that. :) I was feeling the same shaky mood throughout the chapter, as you kept that constant. Well done. Zoey Alice is a unique name, to what seems to be a unique story. Your character came off as paranoid, but she has some common sense. I haven't seen that mix before so that seems very interesting. I'm having the impression that this will be a well-developed character in a well-developed plot, just from the first chapter! We'll just have to see where this goes. :D
Now here a few tips I have as far as improvement goes. It's not bashing, it's just tips of what could make your writing even better. I'm not intending to be offensive, just write out some tips.
There's a little bit of text talk. BFF, yeah everyone knows what that means...mostly. It's still abbreviated text talk, and it's best to avoid all text talk at all.
Your character talks to the reader a few times. It happens here and there, and generally doesn't effect to much. But, to some readers, it's like an actor filming for a show who looks directly into the camera while speaking his line. It's sort of an off set and pulls some readers out when they think they're being looked at and directed to instead of looking into a story/other place and world. It's mostly a matter of personal opinion with that one, but generally, it's best to be avoided.
There also was some switching from past to present tense. This is really common mistake, so no worries, and if you read fast it can be skipped right over without a problem. But, it is more steady of a read if a beta's eye isn't catching the tense mistakes, as most readers who are also editors catch those common mistakes like that. Your verbs all have "ed" at the end, which is past tense. But, when your character is explaining how something works or thinking, you use "is" or "it's" while, sense it's set in past tense, it should be "was" or "it was". If you read over your work slowly, it's easy to catch those and make the read a little smoother. :)
There also was a small little thing with the title being lower case, while it should be 'Testing Day' instead of 'testing day'. No worries with that, doesn't subtract from the read but it can turn off picky audiences.
Something that could improve is detail. There wasn't much detail describing your character's surroundings. Maybe if you added what the hallway or bathroom looked like, whether when she's putting on lipgloss or walking down the hall, it would slow the pace and give readers a better impression on where your character is and what the school is like. Fancy, average, or run down? I wasn't sure.
Detail could be added to the situation as well. The exams were a bit unclear. A first, I thought it was just regular exams or maybe a random questionare, but then this concept of being chosen came up and I wasn't sure what it meant. Although it was explained about being a child of a god/gooddess and the visions later, you might want to add a hint of what's going on in there so it's more clear. I was under the impression that it was just a normal questionare but suddenly it's telling the reader that this test is to see if the people are not human. I've seen hints to this but you might want to give more hints that either your character isn't human or emphasize that this exam isn't just a normal one. There also was a great sort of "gasp" feeling at the end, but the one liners could use a little more as well.
But now I see where this is headed, have a clear idea of what might go on, and see good reasoning for the title. It could use some improvement, but hey everything can, and you did a great job with the beginning. Just a little more detail here and there would be helpful. :) Overall, as I've already said, great start!
| Mazarine 8/18/12 . chapter 6
awe cute :)