|Reviews for The Descendants|
| Daytonius 8/18/12 . chapter 1
This is really good! I've never read anything like it! I like that she is having a conflict between being herself and having cool friends. Amazing!
| Mazarine 8/17/12 . chapter 5
awe! I feel all bad now cause you mentioned me and I didn't respond :( great chap! I am late but here xD I will read on soon great job!
| Gr1m 8/16/12 . chapter 3
Your writing improved greatly in this chapter. I've noticed that me and you have similar writing styles to an extent. As far as I can see your descriptions and dialog is getting better with each chapter. Seeing that you're seven chapters deep already it should be pretty straight forward from here. Nothing here for you to really work on, good job creating the school and I can already see a sort of atmosphere of the other goddesses.
| Gr1m 8/16/12 . chapter 2
This chapter was indeed pretty lengthy and got a little taxing at the point when the aftermath and during the confrontation. I got lost a few times in the words within a few of the larger paragraphs in that are. working on dialogue would be a good idea too. Make it flow better not as choppy or easy to lose where one line stops and the next starts. Making the mother feel more personal and like a mother would really react would be a good idea. I'm not sure a parent would be so easy to lose or accepting of a sixteen year old fleeing her house. Seeing as this is one of the first chapter i'm sure this is just one setting the scene and so on. Getting excited while writing this kind of thing happens a lot. Same thing with me haha.
| Gr1m 8/16/12 . chapter 1
There are very small errors here and there nothing major just a little grammatical sense. I was the same way when I was just started writing in high school. (I'm twenty, not incredibly old lol.) But as far as I've seen writer only gets better the more you do it. Or the more you read so be sure to do a lot of one or the other. This will help a lot in tearing out those mistakes. Also the plot seems pretty interesting thinking about it now big picture wise. Should be fun to see character development and characteristic of the gods themselves.
| jnl94 8/16/12 . chapter 7
I think maybe it was a little too easy for her to re-see the vision, but it's not really a big deal. I like the way she said "I like those ones" at the end. It made me laugh for some reason.
| jnl94 8/16/12 . chapter 6
How old are you? Hm...I don't really know. I guess if I were to pick an age I would say you're definately a teenager, but that covers a lot of ground. Maybe 14 or 15?
Okay, review time. Wow, Phoebe is a little crazy behind doors, isn't she? I wonder what she was talking about and why she was talking to Thanatos about it.
| jnl94 8/13/12 . chapter 5
I never thought of them having a limit to their power. I guess that makes it more fair though so they can't just endlessly use their powers and all. Pretty freaky consequences though, lol.
I always liked te story of Psyche and Cupid, though Psyche didn't start off as a goddess. She was a mortal first, married Cupid, but she was told she could never look at him because then she would know she was married to a god and Cupid didn't want her to know. She believed he was a monster and that was why she couldn't look at him so she did one night while he slept and he left her because he was heartbroken that she had done that to him. She then asked Aphrodite/Venus-Cupid's mother-for help. Venus made Psyche do many things that were nearly impossible to make her fail because she hated mortals, but in the end Zues made Psyche and goddess.
So...long story short, Psyche if you think that counts, lol.
| curligurl0896 8/6/12 . chapter 1
Okay, I'm going to start from the beginning to the last chapter posted, giving you advice as to how to make it better as I go.
First off, I want to point out that you spelled a word wrong in your description. It's promises, not promices. If you want to make a good impression, make sure that all the words in your description are spelled correctly.
"There weren't vary many preps or bitches."
You use the wrong word in this instance. "Vary" means to differ in size, shape, color, or some other property. For example, "The flowers varied in color."
Very is the word you're looking for. It means extremely. For example, "He is very tall." Or, in this case, "There weren't very many..."
You get the idea, right?
"As soon as I got to the school I was going to.."
I suggest you change the sentence to, " When I first came to this school." It sounds much better. Or, even better, add a name for the school so the reader will know that you're talking about the school she is currently going to.
"It was made up completely of girls who talked down to everyone else who 'wasn't at their level of koolness'"
First of all, remove the "completely. It sounds a little redundant.
Also, unless "koolness" is spelled wrong on purpose, I suggest you fix it. It's spelled with a c, not a k.
..." she said giggling.
There are two things you can do with this. Number One is to put a comma after said. Number two will be to say, "she giggled."
"If it came down to it, she would dessert me as though we were never friends in the first place."
Wrong word again. It might seem like the right word, but it's not. "Dessert" implies cake, ice cream, brownies, or some other sugary treat. "Desert" can imply two things, depending on how you use it in a sentence. One of them, of course, is a barren place. But the second one, pronounced the same way as "dessert" but spelled "desert" means to leave someone or something. That's the word you're looking for.
"What kind of person in the In Crowd would ever be stupid enough to wear cheep makeup?"
Cheap, not cheep.
"I sighed as I rook my seat in front of the stack of exam papers waiting to be filled out by me."
You don't have to put " by me". We already know that the character is probably going to fill out the exam papers. No need to emphasize it.
"The chances were slim that I would be one of the people
who were chosen."
"The chances of me being picked were slim."
"The problem is I might get into the same Situation I'm currently in at this school."
Add a comma after is. Also, unless the s in situation is capitalized on purpose, then change it to a lowercase.
Finally, cut out the "at this school" part. We already know.
"Some of the questions were easy like ... "
Comma before easy. And Capitalize the first letter in the questions. And add a question mark after the end of the
questions so they actually look like questions. Finally,
italicize these questions.
"... that if something has to be done it has to be fare."
Once again, wrong word. The word you're looking for is fair, not fare.
"...and let me tell you that it was the absolute longest week of my life."
Comma! Before you! Commas are important!
"On one hand, she hate the society..."
Stop. Right. There.
You forgot the s at the end of hates.
"...that I had a one in a hundred chance of joining."
Maybe you can say "one percent chance"? That sounds better to me.
| jnl94 8/6/12 . chapter 5
This is actually chapter 3 :The Dream.
I was reading it and wondering why the heck it sounded so familiar. -.- Duh. I already read it, lol. Just thought you should know.
| Mazarine 6/30/12 . chapter 4
I am obsessed now :( u better finish this lol awesome job :)
| Mazarine 6/30/12 . chapter 2
awesome story I love this! u better still be updating :/ -evil stare- well I think ur sooo mug tether than like 89% of the people writing on here especially with spelling I HATE SPELLING ok sorry I am hyper :) good job
| jnl94 6/18/12 . chapter 4
Hm...interesting. That sounds rather dark. I LOVE it! Try not to get too caught up in explaining about the classes, because that can get boring and people can lose interest. I think it was good to talk about them all once, but if you want to focus on her classes, only do one or two per chapter instead so it's not all rushing into the reader.
Some other Greek gods and goddesses you might perhaps like to use:
Demeter - goddess of agriculture
Posiden - god of the sea, horses and of earthquakes
Apollo - god of sun, light, medicine and music
Ares - god of war
Artemis - goddess of the hunt, the forest, wildlife, childbirth, and the moon. Sister to Apollo.
Hephaestus - god of fire and the forge (kind of like a blacksmith to the gods)
Hera - protector of marriage, familiar with magic
| jnl94 6/18/12 . chapter 3
Awesome! Nothing like learning you have to stop sacrifices on your first day at a new school, right? You did have one spelling mistake a few times. You said "sole" but in that context it would have been "soul."
Sorry about that. I hate teling people that kind of stuff. I love mythology so this is a really interesting idea for me. Do you plan to use mostly Greek and Roman mythology or would you be willing to add Norse as well? I don't know if you have any idea what I'm talking about, lol.
I know this has been done before, but I love Cupid, so perhaps you could use him. -smiles hopefully-
| jnl94 6/18/12 . chapter 2
Alright, chapter two! Okay, I have two slight problems with chapter. First, when Abi and Zoey-Alice were in the bathroom it seemed a little...weird to me. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just me. And secondly, I think it was kind of off how she seemed completely okay with just taking off without really saying goodbye to her mother. She wasn't sad to leave her or anything? And the mom just let her go?
Other than that I liked the chapter and await Zoey-Alice's arrival at this new school.