|Reviews for Croon|
| Rogue Energizer Bunny 7/13/12 . chapter 3
OOOOOOOH I GET IT.
I like how this is focusing on Amika. I thought you were gonna have a buncha wronged women in here, but I like this better, since it gives the plot more focus and momentum.
I DON'T LIKE THIS. "She reached inside her large robs," BECAUSE TYPOS ARE UNACCEPTABLE. HURR.
I like how the women is tooootally leading Amika into a trap, but you don't come out and say it so obviously. The readers can just feel something's wrong. Well done. FORESHADOWIG, NYEAH.
| Rogue Energizer Bunny 7/13/12 . chapter 2
hurrhurr. I LIKE HOW THE
*fixes caps lock*
HURRHURR. I like how the crazy old lady is all sane when it's from her own point of view. LOLOL. Last chapter she was all cackling and ugly and stuff, and this chapter she's all sane and normal-sounding. "Chuckling." LOL. It shows that she thinks she's normal, like everybody, and thus DAVANCES HER CHARACTER *logic*.
Not a big fan of all the italics. Italics make my head hurt, and I end up with permanent face-tiltage. I'd find a way around that, if possible.
| Rogue Energizer Bunny 7/13/12 . chapter 1
Herro from review marathon, go troll the OT (and people in it...) and shit at the RG, link in my profile, HAPPENING.
1 like and 1 dislike. GOGOGO.
I like the way you introduce the magic stuffs. It doesn't feel like you've turned it into a metaphorical bat and bludgeoned us with it, since it isn't till later in the story you drop in "With that you could control me!" and "It's not like I'm asking for your true name, child." Both of those establish the rules of the magic system in a quick, unobtrusive way. I likey.
Dislike the dialogue tags and modifiers, in some places. "The hurting woman continued to gaze at her feet, "I don't know," she sighed out with tears threatening to spill down her pretty face." There's a couple things that repeat the same effect, the "hurting woman", "gaze at her feet", "sighed out", "tears threatening" so it draws attention away from the dialogue, which would stand fine on its own.
*is incoherrent right nao* hurr.
Uh, yeah. I like how the girl is all selfless and nice and stuff. Makes you feel sorry for her, and connect better with her character.
| Jealous Rage 6/27/12 . chapter 1
First off, I think the best/most intriguing aspect of this story is the title character. You’ve created a character very reminiscent of the creepy old ladies who populate most fairy tales. She’s creepy, frankly, and in my view, that’s a good thing. By not revealing her motivations right away, you also give the readers a reason to keep with it. Very well done. I think you’ve done a good job with Amika as well, for essentially the same reason. I don’t personally find her nearly as interesting a character as the croon, but I am curious as to how her story will play out. Another reason to continue reading.
I liked the shortness of this piece. You didn’t clutter it up with a ton of backstory, or setting, or anything like that. It was very quick, introduced the title character, and conveyed a little of her personality/character. In short, it did exactly what a first chapter should; gave the reader a little taste, enough to get them interested and willing to come back for chapter two.
One thing that I disliked about this was some of the adjectives you chose to include. In several places you use them, they aren’t necessary. For example:
“…young supple body…”. In that sentence, ‘supple’ doesn’t add to the description.
‘The hurting woman…’. Since you have Amika crying at the end of that same line, ‘hurting’ becomes pointless.
‘…lit on a strange twisted thorny plant…’. This one is just a personal preference, but I just don’t feel like ‘strange’ is necessary here. ‘Twisted’ and ‘thorny’ adequately convey what you’re going for, in my opinion.
‘…and anger radiated from her cold fiery eyes.’. This one doesn’t work for me because I can’t picture it. Two opposing concepts—fiery eyes and cold eyes—I can picture each, but not one set of eyes being both at the same time. I’d drop the cold and stick with fiery, personally.
Spelling and Grammar/Style:
‘The hurting woman continued to gaze at her feet,…’
Replace the comma after ‘feet’ with a period.
‘She gripped the girl's chin forcing her to look at the aged face she wore.’
Comma after ‘forcing’.
Replace the n-dashes with m-dashes.
‘…the croon breathed anxious for the words to flow from the other's mouth.’
Comma after ‘breathed’.
‘she circled about the child once more as she thrust her brutal words.’
‘…she murmured letting a hand caress Amika's smooth black hair and enjoying her shudder at her decrepit old hand fondling her locks.’
Comma after ‘murmured’. Also suggest replacing the ‘her’ before ‘decrepit’ with ‘the’. You’re referring to both characters as ‘her’ in the same line, and it could be confusing for some people. ‘…enjoying her shudder at the decrepit old hand…’ works just as well.
‘The old croon paused in her steps to look down on the girl trying to decide what she should take from this little one.’
Comma after ‘girl’.
‘Her pathetic act of selflessness could back fire if not molded right.’
‘Backfire’ is one word.
‘Amika's came up sharply,…”
I think you’re missing a word here. Also, the comma should be a period.
‘…and she looked away not wanting to think of what it might be used for.’
Comma after ‘away’.
‘…decaying gypsy wagon, bust she was desperate.’
‘Bust’ should be ‘but’.
‘With unnaturally quick movements the croon took the hair she wanted.’
Comma after ‘movements’.
‘With that the croon turned, and dismissed the woman.’
Comma after ‘that’, and remove the comma after ‘turned’.
In your summary, ‘review’s’ should be ‘reviews’, and ‘Readers’ should be ‘Reader’s’.
I suggest adding a line break at the end of the story, before ‘Please let me know what you think, and how you might like to see this go.’ Just to make it clear it’s an author’s note and not part of the story. Some people are easily confused haha.
So, overall, I enjoyed this. It was short, to the point, and introduced a very interesting character. Nice job.
| Who Is This Girl Anyway 5/11/12 . chapter 1
I think this seems like an interesting idea. The dialogue you started with pulled me in immediately because the croon's order pulled me in. You're starting to create distinct voices already with the character's verbal tics, for example the croon calling the young woman "child". You've also caught my interest with your mention of "true names" and the lock of hair. That half reminded me of the old tradition of giving a sweetheart a lock of your hair, so that was a clever touch.
However, I think the first line might be more engaging still if it stopped at the word "commanded". The first part of the sentence is gripping, but the rest of it trails off a bit.
Having said that, I do think it's an interesting setting. That immediately struck me as unusual and helped pull me in a bit again. You've got a good start here, and I look forward to seeing what happens next.
| lookingwest 5/10/12 . chapter 2
"I'm ok, but you seem not to be. What's wrong?" [Edit: the way you have it, "ok" needs to be capitalized to be spelled right, if you want to keep it lowercase you can spell it out "okay"]
I had a feeling that's what this chapter was about. It's kind of cool to see a bit of my suggestion from the last chapter too! I can't wait to see what happens with the youth thing, I still think that's unique, but it would be fun to also make sure she doesn't turn into too much of a villain and keeps her cool.
I liked the use of the basin so the croon could see what was happening and everything, because it was a great device in the story to allow us to see multiple perspectives. I also liked how you showed us the rejection and everything. I'm curious as to where this is set because of the names, they're very strange and give off a little Bohemian vibe, but I wonder if it's somewhere on Earth or something a little more "out of this world". I liked the use of those names because shows it's foreign though, so it would be exciting to later see them move into a new setting as they travel-I really hope that Amika takes her offer and goes with the croon :3 . This was a good chapter, I'm happy that I got the link between the first one and the third one! I look forward to reading the next!
| lookingwest 5/8/12 . chapter 3
...over at the woman, "It is as you asked." [Edit: period instead of comma after "woman"]
Hmm...why doesn't she just get someone to introduce her sister to him? I suppose that wouldn't be as fun :3
"...I have wrapped myself in. [Edit: needs quotation at the end]
Anger consumed Amika's face, "So I can..." [Edit: period instead of comma after "face"]
...taking the trinket, "If I don't take this will you fix things?" [Edit: period instead of comma after "trinket"]
Oh and I just noticed that Nicole pretty much got more than I did with some edits/style, so yeah...ahem.
Anyway! Content content! I didn't read the second chapter so I'm not sure what's in that, but I liked this one. I could follow it easily after only reading the first, which I liked. I also liked that the croon gave her this offer because I think that's unique, and I hope she takes it. I don't think I've ever read a story like that before. So the plot is excellent. I do agree with YasuRan though, that perhaps some of the characters could be fleshed out a little more. I would like to see more from Amika-but then perhaps we get more of that in the second chapter than we do here in the third too.
For direction hmm...I'm not sure. I do want Amika to go with the croon though and learn the trade. I feel like having her go back to do everything again would be a little redundant so I'd like her to just have something happen where she gets angry and actually *wants* to leave. Like someone scorns her or something happens...it could even be bad too, like a death. Anything to get her motivated to go would be fun. I'm also curious about what the croon mentioned of taking another poor life-if that has to do with her taking young women to live longer :3 That would be fun too, it would almost be like Amika would join the antagonist team, haha. I'd enjoy seeing that. I'd especially enjoy seeing her embrace this opportunity, but at this point she seems like such a do-gooder that it might take a little spurring into action or her to transition to the "dark side" if you will.
Enjoyed this chapter!
| R.Burton 5/7/12 . chapter 1
I liked to know alittle about Amika and the man she's doing this for. i would also like to maybe have a flash back of what had happen for her to have gone to the croon in the first.
then another note, maybe something happens because of back-fire from having the croon help her out wanting him to be happy, but turns out to be more than what she had asked for, and see the life that she had always wanted.
and have a view or two from the croon and her life and what made her she is today, and why she does the things she does and what does she get out of it. thanks for the read it was very well thought out and a easy read, those are always the best :D
| YasuRan 5/3/12 . chapter 3
So it seems like Amika got what she wanted, though not in the manner she desired. Like I'd suspected, Fajra the croon appears to have ulterior motives, which so far have a lot to do with wreaking as much havoc as possible. Amika seems rather foolish to place any more of her trust in her to correct things, seeing as how the old woman twisted her wish the first time around. Everything has a price, as the croon says, and that may well come back to bite Amika in the end.
As much as I find the plot interesting, I think your characters could do with some more fleshing out. The chapters are thin on weight in terms of page-turning appeal as your characters lack the depth required to hook the reader. I'd like to see more of that depth applied to both Amika and Fajra; it would add some extra layers to their relationship and make it all the more intriguing :)
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/3/12 . chapter 3
[The croon canted her head to one side slightly, "I did as asked, and made him forget you."]
Edit: The comma after 'slightly' should be a period.
[Rage splayed across Amika's face, "Forget me! Not my sister too!"]
Edit: The comma after 'face' should be a period.
[The croon ambled past the woman, and settled into her chair before once more looking over at the woman, "It is as you asked."]
Edit: The comma after 'woman' should be a period.
["He was supposed to just forget me and what we had, not my sister," her tone was defeated.]
Edit: The comma after 'sister' should be a period and the following 'her' should be capitalized.
[A long sigh escaped Amika, "I see that now… Can you fix it?"]
Edit: The comma after 'Amika' should be a period.
[Fajra cackled, "For a price."]
Edit: Comma after 'cackled' should be a period. Unless, of course, she's cackling while saying 'for a price.'
["Do you want to know how to make him happy in a way that will not destroy the present as you and I know it?" [The] croon asked as she watched the emotions play across the woman's face.]
Edit: The bracketed 'the' should be lowercase.
[She knew how Amika would answer, "Once all is set right, leave."]
Edit: The comma after 'answer' should be a period.
[without you as a distraction or reminder to his petty deeds." The croon explained as she plucked her hot cup from the stove.]
Edit: The period after 'deeds' should be a comma and the following speaker tag lowercase.
[Anger consumed Amika's face, "So I can trap others like you have done to me? So I can ruin their lives?"]
Edit: Comma after 'face' should be a period.
["A lock of my hair," the croon replied not surprised by the other woman's amazed face.
"You take it, and I will return your life as if I was never here. You will go back to that pathetic existence, but when you tire of it, and see that I am right, you will come to me.
"Prick a finger to draw blood, and press it to the spell. If you truly want to accept my offer of a new life then it will be so."]
Since these lines of dialogue aren't very long and they all pertain to pretty much the same thing, you might want to put them all in the same paragraph to keep it from appearing disjointed.
[Amika reached out with a shaking hand, but paused before taking the trinket, "If I don't take this will you fix things?"]
Edit: Comma after 'trinket' should be a period.
["Not without a price," purred back.]
Edit: Think you're missing a noun here, either 'she' or 'the croon.'
[A smile touched her lips, "I'll see you soon child."]
Edit: Comma after 'lips' should be a period.
Lol, poor Amika... I like how you have the croon living in a wagon because it makes me think of those old gypsy women. I would have liked a little more description of the wagon, though, like maybe the condition of the wagon itself, some of the things on her shelves - I think it would help show what type of magic she really dabbles in, because seeing something like shrunken heads or whatever would make me think dark magic. And she definitely doesn't seem like a nice woman. xD Using little props like that can go a long way in developing characters.
I like how you develop this strange sort of relationship between Amika and the croon, like how she kinda forced Amika to eventually return to her in order to set things right for the man she loves. I also like how you uphold the croon's more menacing demeanor, because she definitely doesn't seem like a benevolent person - makes me wonder what other sort of mess Amika is going to get herself into if she keeps dealing with this woman.
There was one thing that kinda confused me...
[You will go back to that pathetic existence, but when you tire of it, and see that I am right, you will come to me.]
This here makes it seem like Amika doesn't have the best life where she lives. I would've liked some more explanation on this, like what really makes her life so terrible to want to travel with the old croon? Is it just the man who no longer knows who she is, or is she poor or something? A little more backstory for Amika might help the reader relate to her situation better and understand this statement more - though I know that might mess with the whole 'flash fiction' feel you have going on here, so you may or may not want to do that. Plus there's always room for expansion in the future.
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/3/12 . chapter 2
["Nicjo," she watched as the man stopped and turned to her slight confusion on his face.]
Edit: Needs either a 'with' before 'slight' or a comma.
[A frown stole over her face, "I'm ok, but you seem not to be. What's wrong?"]
Edit: Comma after 'face' should be a period.
[The man smiled a nervous smile, "Just not used to strangers knowing my name and greeting me."]
Edit: Comma after 'smile' should be a period.
[Surprise consumed the woman's face, "Nicjo, I'm Amika, your fiancé's sister."]
Edit: Same here, comma after 'face' needs to be a period.
[The man shook his head, "You must be mistaken miss. I'm not engaged."]
Edit: Comma after 'head' should be a period.
Well, I don't think the poor girl was expecting THAT. I thought it was pretty cool how you were able to show both these scenes simultaneously by using the water basin, because I thought it was a great way to show both sides of this coin and how the croon is watching over them (a very creepy thought).
I think in order to clear up some confusion in the beginning of the chapter you might want to go back to the previous one and include the names of the woman and the croon since you do so here right away. For a second I was trying to figure out if Amika was the woman in the previous chapter or her sister, and when I went to look I remember that no names were previously given.
| Genesis Gurren 5/3/12 . chapter 2
Yay for the second chapter. A good chapter as a whole. We get to see the croon in action watching the action.
I can't comment much on language since English is my second language so I am not that confident.
As for the story, the plot proceed rather smoothly in this chapter and is less confusing and the first chapter. Though, I think this chapter need more 'show' than tell. Tell us more about Amika, Miela and Nicjo. Show more of their interactions so we, readers could really immerse into them.
Don't stop updating. Write on!
| wisedec4u 5/2/12 . chapter 1
I like how you began this story. You added a lot mystery about the woman and the man she was willing to sacrifice for just so he could be happy. It made me want to keep reading to see what would happen next. I also like the dialogue. It was unique for each character. My only criticism was that you would use woman then switch to girl, next call her a child, then go back to woman again. It thought that was kind of confusing. I couldn't tell of this was a adult, teenager, etc. Also, I think you could have used a little more description to help the video visualize the character better. Other than that, I think your off to great start. Keep writing!
| lookingwest 5/1/12 . chapter 1
...the croon cried out. [Style: would omit "out"]
she circled about the child... [Edit: capitalize "She"]
The croon sneered at the naïve girl, ... [Style: period instead of comma after "girl"]
he old croon fingered her hair, ... [Edit: period after "hair"]
I liked the premise of what you've set up here. To me I would lean towards the woman being the main character, but then again, that's I think because it's what I would stereotypically expect, so maybe if you wanted to turn things around and make it even more unique, you could actually center around the croon. What if she like took the locks of hair from these women and then made herself beautiful (killing the women) or something and went out into the world? That would be a kind of fun story-you never see the "villain" out having fun or adventures. Also might be a unique back-story for someone too.
Anyway though, onto the content of this. I agree with Lyra that I wasn't positive if this could be a prologue or a first chapter so I think you could go either way if you wanted to. If you went with the croon idea this would be more of a first-chapter deal, I think. Otherwise, I enjoyed the mystery behind this and the involvement of the man because I think it worked well to catch the reader's attention and mix things up tension-wise. I thought the detail about the woman not knowing her true name pointed her to being the intended main character of the story too, which is why I assumed that-but I think you can step it up a notch and go more original. I do like the idea of the croon helping scorned women though, that was unique, because it made me wonder what her motivations could be. This is an interesting project, I look forward to seeing where you do end up taking it, as you'll get quite a bit of suggestion from readers!
| CieloRayn 4/28/12 . chapter 1
Interesting, I like the description you use yet a few words are sort of out of place or whatever. "The wound woman..." should be the wounded woman or is that just how you want it? Also "...with your own flesh and blood family" I'm not sure what you meant by that. I think this actually should be a flashback and continue the story like a few years later. I think you should talk about what happened to the girl or better yet have a story about the guy who is supposed to forget yet he sees her again and starts to see flashback of their lives together.