|Reviews for Daywalker, a Tale of the Symviridia|
| one-touch lamp 9/23/12 . chapter 7
Sorry this review took so long. I've been putting off reading until I had some free time. Turns out it's a scarce commodity recently.
So, alrighty. Jacen first struck me as someone quite young due to his description of the dark as a blanket. It was just the way he spoke of it, like a child would refer to his security blanket.
No big matter in any case. I like this new character overall, given his connection to poor Mona. (I like how you saved that tidbit for the end of the chapter. Good call.)
I also like Auren and Jadie, no worries. At least their innocence is something we can count on at this point in the story when we don't know what else may occur. It's also nice overall to have a point of view still stationed in Vitas Noct while the main party's entering Vitas Sol.
A couple points of clarification for me, please:
Who has the gray frizzy hair? You wrote that the "younger woman" did but why was it gray? Did you mean the old lady?
Why would Jacen let his siblings go with a stranger, even just to get some food? He just met Neera, who propositioned him...and so proved she was trustworthy?
I also felt that you should have stated how Jacen didn't sleep while guarding his siblings in the dark or some other reason why he was exhausted. We kinda assume they slept if two days had passed. Just mention it somewhere in the beginning scene. Else later when you're talking about how tired Jacen is, it kinda pops outta nowhere. Like a hiccup, it felt like to me.
Only one grammar edit: "...I will ever be capable of repayING you..."
Finally, so they just left the tavern without a goodbye? Will Maya and Benji be wondering wth happened to the two kiddos?
OK, that's all I've got for now. I trust the meaning of the cards will become apparent eventually. Or hints, at least, yes?
Hope your next chapter arrives more quickly than this one did! I'm excited to see from the eyes of an adult next time-or simply someone who knows more about the workings of the cities, the realms, etc. It'll be nice to know just what is going on. Course, if you decide to write from the Princess's pov all of a sudden, that may be entertaining, too. Good writing to you. Now, bon nuit.
| TripleCatTheory 6/28/12 . chapter 6
Holy shit. I had to read this chapter twice to make sense of the everything going on! So the Maizon Deck isn't just a religion. It is truth...wow, I really wonder now why the Sandmen weren't aware of any of it. And, as always, why they had to die. Thinking it's an important answer since you didn't let Anjee finish explaining. Grr!
Beeteedubs: "Are you hear to kill me?" HERE.
Aaahhh, so I love the Terraces and how the Mason moves through it. I hope you explain more about the Strands and such. That's awesome. I also wonder if it wasn't only Aveena you were referring to. Perhaps Mona's mysterious past figures into these gods, too?
Cuz Dawn and Night are warring. Hours is the creepy one. Eternity is asleep. Now which card does Mona have in her shirt again...shoot, must go back and read.
Gah! I shouldn't be speculating to you in reviews, cuz before I know it, BAM you're gonna kill my favorite character. Never again. So mean... :(
Gonna be excited for Vitas Sol!
| one-touch lamp 6/27/12 . chapter 6
Well, I'd have been dead, since I guessed the Jack, due to his cloak.
But not as dead as East! Sigh, so you really did kill him. May Cavlier be eaten by crows.
The battle seemed a tad confusing, with Victor's shifting attention. Didn't flow quite as well. Once it passed, however, I was immersed.
Never would have expected Jewel to have personality issues. I hope to see more of her soon.
Loved the setting for the story you've now unveiled, with the war and the Terraces (AWESOME!) and traveling between them. Fleshing out the princess also helped; she sounds like such a charmer... Anywho, I hope you will reveal why the Sandmen had to die soon, because it's like an itching toe when you're wearing boots to me.
I'm glad Mona could keep her head while the god was speaking-I would've needed a rewind button in real time. So freaking confusing. Would've been lost without Mona's italicized thoughts. Please don't do too much more of that bewildering speech.
I wonder also if Aveena understands her peril now. Hmm.
Excited to see Vitas Sol! I love how you describe Mona's complete unfamiliarity with the day, as well as vegetation. Will her skin have a problem with UV light after so long without? Her eyes too, photosensitivity is a bitch.
| Ms. aNONymous 6/24/12 . chapter 4
A lot of great things happening in this chapter, and I appreciate that it is from the Enticus point of view. All the characters are ADULTS, and varied, each one interesting in their own imagery, though right now, they seem a bit "stock." There's the promiscuous one, the humorous twins, the crotchety old guy you can never fully trust...etc. I'm most intrigued by Anjee, because she seems to be the one with most likely to be a catalyst.
I really want to see them in their homeland-if they have one, and discern what the hell kind of plan required the genocide of an entire people! Also want to discover a bit more history between them and how they came together. I think more hints about such things would add more depth.
Overall, I'm left with a nice, whole picture of Enticus at its surface. I want to know what substance belies them. I hope you can work to incorporate that into your writing. For example, much of a person's unvoiced observations about another forms half of how they act around them. Put more of that nonverbal context into scenes and digging for motivations, faulty or not.
| Ms. aNONymous 6/24/12 . chapter 3
So to be clear, is this a religion of Evalace? A mythology? An allegory for your story, or for its history? A prophecy...well, that'd be more in tuned with the religion I suppose.
| Something Cliche 6/24/12 . chapter 1
When I read through this first chapter, I saw this story's parallels with others out there, and I was bored. Might be just me; I detest immature kids who go through the trials, overcome all adversity, and becomes the almighty hero. Now, immature adults, hey, that's real life. I can read that.
I'll get back to reading later, but hopefully, I'll see characters I can relate to soon.
| Ms. aNONymous 6/24/12 . chapter 1
You should change your title. Along with the summary, it hints toward a vampire story, which this is definitely not. Bring the desert into the summary, or perhaps more of the where Mona will end up in regards to the tarot cards.
This story could go very far. A little cliche at the beginning, starting with a little girl and her every day, which quickly crumbles. I like the terminology you've introduced, which makes the world more concrete; however, I feel like it needs more of a prologue. Something that will bring a little situational suspense...hmmmm, perhaps a historical snippet that has been passed on orally by those fantastic poems and become mythology?
I was recommended a skim of this story, so we'll see where it goes. Good, but could be greater, start.
| one-touch lamp 6/23/12 . chapter 5
I don't believe it for a second.
The next chapter should reveal that this was all a prophetic dream. Mona's strange seer-gift is giving her a nightmare. She's freaking out from the loss of her people.
If that's not the case, and Ezra is really dead...I will kill you myself.
On another note, I commend you on writing Mona as a believable 13-yr-old. She's impetuous, stumbling along trying to make sense of this catastrophe that has just befallen her. It makes me cringe to see her act in such a way, but she's just a girl. Ezra brings a nice calm to Mona's off-kilter dynamic. It'll be interesting to see what happens next, because, you know, East ISN'T dead...RIGHT?
| TripleCatTheory 6/23/12 . chapter 4
It makes me absolutely SICK to imagine what it'd be like to sit inside tents while people are being massacred outside. Made this chapter really hard to read.
By the way, where was Quinn in the last chapter? She seems to be the diehard-towards-one-goal type of person, but also someone whose choices will lead to doom-for someone she loves.
| TripleCatTheory 6/23/12 . chapter 3
If each card represents a character, I do not want to meet the Jack of Hur. Sounds creepy and irritatingly confusing. Thanks for the clarification.
| TripleCatTheory 6/23/12 . chapter 2
Ohmigosh, East is freakin' awesome! The way he handled the situation was brave, in the very true sense of the word. I'm excited to see where he gets with these Enticus people, if only because they...seem...to be honorable enough. If not to the Clansmen, then to each other. So...East simply needs to become one of them. Maybe easier said than done.
| TripleCatTheory 6/23/12 . chapter 1
Excellent beginning, though for some parts, the exposition was slow to be revealed. I really really hope Mona is not the only one who survives. I don't believe there's not other Clansmen who have a stroke or two of luck.
The Lumeer evoke terror with the way you describe them, for sure, but there's something funky enough about the way they simply appeared that makes them seem like a conspiracy.
Please keep writing!
| TripleCatTheory 6/23/12 . chapter 5
WHAT DID YOU DO?
Is this because I said I liked East, last time? C'mon! I had a nice review planned detailing differences between East and Mona and how their personalities function in telling your story, but this? This is madness. So screw the original review plan.
Mona must have some extensive PTSD by now. Perhaps you'll showcase the symptoms?
Sigh. I suppose I'll wait for your next chapter. Grudgingly, you terrible cliffhanging writer.
| one-touch lamp 5/24/12 . chapter 4
Alrighty, great chapter. Where shall I begin? Ah, let me say first that I disagree with your choice of labelling chapters as Acts and Scenes. Screenplays tend to have a very different structure, as you know, with dialogue and description/action cues. Also, they progress chronologically. As I would be loath to have read this Enticus-POV chapter before the first two, I'd vote to put the story back to chapters. That is, if you call for a poll. Regardless, if the titles of your uploads hold no bearing on the format of your writing, then I shall let them slide.
Wonderful things happening in the story; it keeps getting better. Your flow is impeccable now and the action sequences (done succinctly, with dashes and phrases that reinforce the speed) are quite exciting. Not tedious at all. I don't even mind the semicolons.
The works of Merlock, used so often in the characters' speech gives Evalace a mythology that is a critical basis for any great epic, and you've provided this vitality wonderfully. Plus, when you revealed that there was no fortune teller (?), I was so creeped out.
Other enjoyable moments:
Red colors of the Dux Palisade: nicely symbolic of the massacre
Anjee: I dare you to spend an entire chapter writing in her voice and pov; it's hilarious!
"They have her": Took me a moment to figure out what Quinn was referring to, but then-lightbulb-brilliant plan, bravo, I thought, before I read on. Fun.
Also, I liked how you emphasized the horror of the massacre through Viktor-how his moral doubts struggled with his rationalizations, all whilst the screams echoed around them. Such a dilemna touched me much more than when I read from Mona's point of view. ...maybe I'm messed up. Oh well.
Right, time to end this review.
| one-touch lamp 5/24/12 . chapter 3
Nice! I like how Justice is the symbol for Dawn, as if the light of day reveals the truth, but ruthlessly.
Also, thanks for the example at the end. Clarified much.