I like the poetic prose structure of this last "chapter". This one begs for that freer style, that narrative speak, and you've given it that, and given it well.

I think the last few lines are a little muddled up though in terms of their punctuation. For example, having the page break already puts emphasis on the [shows pity] - the fullstop just makes it more jarring. If that's a lesson on the other hand (which didn't occur to me till later)...it may be a good idea to number of them, because since you have page breaks, it's a little hard to tell which ones are parts of sentences and which are lessons.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)

[Is a eternal darkness?] - I just don't get this line, mainly because of the 'a' in there.

I like the beginning of this. The question. The doubt, uncertainty - it almost has a hint of "am I in the right place? And it's a question that everybody probably wonders about, but can never truly know (even if they believe) until death.

I also like the end of this; the disappearing of colours and the return of white, and in place of sight comes sound. An interesting touch, and you've nicely illustrated the reincarnation/rebirth.

I don't particularly like the word choices of this poem; they're a little rough compared to the rhythm, you've got softish sounds but hard words (or the other way around). Unusual, but doesn't work so well here. Closed is soft, shut is hard. However, ending with closed leaves the "ed" sound a little hard and thus knee-jerky.

I like this line: [Alas! That was untrue.] - No hope in that line, even if denying the one above should have brought hope. That was a clever word/punctuation choice. It goes to make the image even more sad.

And we're back to paragraph breaks only again. I don't particularly like the structure of this poem because this is another part that begs for some form and rhyme, and the first and last parts do not have that.

On the other hand, I do like the little list in the middle; I find it especially ironic that smell is the last sense to go, drawing upon the scent of heaven and the ash of hell, the funeral musk and the smell of formaldehyde and ammonia derivatives when the body starts to decay. I think that was probably the most powerful of the list towards the dead body, and it was a good choice to have it last.

I like the rhyme of lines three and four. It gives a nice stable structure to the poem, especially as you follow through with later lines, eg. stand/land and hope/mope. On the other hand, I find the endings feel/failed are a little jarring- I was expecting a rhyme there, and beyond that, the two words don't work well together because of the similarities of their first sounds and the disagreement of the second sound as well as the tenses.

I like the metaphor of power to drugs. It's a good analogy, and not one I've ever seen before so there's that unique touch to it. In additon, the intoxication of power, the need to /have/ it, the ruling of desire is heightened well by the analogy.

I don't like you suddenly changing your structure and using line breaks. While it probably is necessary for the last line, it was somewhat jarring after having all your others lacking line breaks so far. Just a matter of consistency, but you don't want to be throwing readers off with little things like that; the bigger picture becomes lost.

I like the matter-of-fact way you start this of. Just plain ol' power. Nice, to the point, and effective, leading well into the next lines.

Normally, I'd grumble about the lack of commas but I'm tired of saying the same thing over and over again, so ignoring that I also like the the listing structure of the each of those things that are important to life. It's also interesting to note how you've put want/desire as the first and foremost, pertaining to Darwin's theory of evolution and how the instinct of survival comes before all else. It's also interesting how you've put breathe as the last one, as breathing is necessary fur us aerobic organisms but not for anaerobic things. But according to science, no anaerobic organism is capable of conscious thought like us.

I love the ending of this. Time thinking of itself - shows it as an omnipresent power, almost God-like. Something we humans have no control over. Sad but true. A simple but complicated subject's argument summarised in two lines.

On the other hand, I feel the line [Slowly ticking away with every second, dripping away, wasted.] - is doing exactly what it says. It's an interesting touch, but not particularly effective in maintaining interest; it didn't really invite me to reach on. I almost stopped at that point, but then figured what the heck. If you can think of a way to reword it though, I would recommend that.

I like the way this reads. The fullstops at the end of each line and the paragraph breaks make for really strong and cement pauses, and reading it that way really makes me appreciate the power in this.

What I don't like so much is your fourth last and second last lines. They're too long compared the rest, and can easily be broken down into a more coherent and powerful form. For example, [Entanglements of string, connected, never snipped.] - each of those commas could be a fullstop and a paragraph break, and its meaning wouldn't really change.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)

Oooooooh, I feel so stupid. XD It totally says POETRY at the top. No DUH XD

*cackles evilly* I'M NUMBER ONE! I'M NUMBER ONE! WOOOT! TAKE THAT SUCKAS XP

*clears throat* I'm calm now.

Let's begin, shall we?

Yeah, there's a couple puntuation errors, but we all have those P It's a great beginning to something that seems like it'll challenge a world view :) I especially like this: "For too much could be far enough for one simple man." It's sounds like someone's gonna get corrupted right there...

Can wait to read more!

Warmest regards,

Blooregard Q. Kazoo P