|Reviews for They were Green and Gold|
| Victoria Best 5/12/12 . chapter 1
Wow, I really like this! It's adorable! It really made me smile in places, and reading this has really brightened my day. You're a great writer! I can already see the developing friendship between Allie and Shane, and how they feel about each other. In addition, I can also see that their relationship could be a little strained in the future, because they won't see each other again for so long, and may forget each other, or their opinions, attitudes and personalities will have changed, which could drive them apart when they meet again. This first chapter created a great hook to encourage readers to read on and find out more about Shane and Allie and what will happen when they meet again. I hope they remember each other!
The writing in this was beautiful. I love the sentence: "Shocking blonde hair and dark, forest green eyes." it gives a clear, unique description of the character and really enhances the story. I like the occasional slip into their perspectives, for example "He liked that" which sounds quite a childish, innocent thing to say, as though it has appeared right from his thoughts, and clearly shows his personality as well as his age. That was so clever! I also like the slip into their perspectives, shown by the italics, for example "Like your eyes, they are so pretty, so dark and enchanting, I could stare into them forever." That was adorable! The transition into her thoughts was smooth and felt natural, and it really enabled us to see into her thoughts, understand her actions, and therefore empathise with her. It is so cute! Aww, I want Shane and Allie together right now! It really made me smile when he also said: "Like your eyes." Aww! They were both thinking of the same thing! It clearly shows they both feel for each other, even though they are so young. It's a unique way of describing their emotions without telling us explicitly, and instead focussing on their perceptions of each other.
It also made me smile when he asked if he could call her Allie and she said yes, but only he was allowed to call her that. I know I've said this like a million times in this review, but that was so cute! They belong together. Also, I like that Allie speaks Spanish. It makes her memorable and more unique as a character. It's sweet that she first speaks to him in Spanish because she was scared that she had hurt him. It made her seem much more realistic and interesting as a person.
However, I felt there were some parts of this that were not as strong. Some of the sentences were far too long, broken only by commas which felt misplaced and in awkward places. The commas in these sentences really just made the piece harder to read and slowed down the piece, and they were a little distracting. For example, you state: "Shane had to admit, he liked that, it meant while he was still growing up and expected to act more his age each day, he could still act like a big kid around his siblings, especially River, his sister, she was particularly fond of him and always bugged and pestered him to play with her and Jasper." This is all just one long sentence and is broken only by commas, which feel very awkwardly placed and slow down the story. It does not feel natural. Why not break this up into several sentences? You could state "Shane had to admit, he liked that. It meant while he was still growing up and expected to act to act more his age each day, he could still act like a big kid around his siblings, especially his sister river. She was particularly fond of him and always bugged and pestered him to play with her and Jasper." There is just no need for such a long sentence. If you wanted to keep it like the way it is, you need to swap some of these commas for semicolons ';' to connect together two independent clauses. For example, the grammatically correct way of writing the beginning of the sentence would be "Shane had to admit, he liked that; it meant while..." Does that make sense?
Another little thing I picked up on was that you state things that are often unnecessary, or we could be shown these things rather than told them. For example, you state: "They had only just met." You don't need to tell us this; we already know. You do not need to repeat or over-explain yourself. It sounds like you're just saying this to extend your word-count. In addition, another sentence where you do this is: "The afternoon went by quicker than expected." Did it? Did it really? You're such a talented writer, so I am sure you could think up a better verb than the uninspiring "Went by." Don't tell us that the day passed - show us. Here you have a chance to be a little figurative, for example by including in a metaphor. Again, you're a talented writer, so I am sure you could improve this. Don't pass up an opportunity to be descriptive.
These are just little things however, and are only suggestions, nothing serious. Otherwise I really like this story and really hope you continue! You clearly have an interesting plot developing here, filled with some incredible characters. You're a very talented writer, and you definitely have another reader. Keep writing and following your dreams! :D
| TheMagicOfReality 4/30/12 . chapter 1
This is awesome! I love Allie and Shane in the story, so it's great to find out more about them! Well done, update as soon as you can!