|Reviews for BladeArc|
| Katsurou Shimizu 10/18/12 . chapter 3
The first sentence is kinda redundant.
Using the onomatopoeia "Splash!" is a more vibrant option and brings me into the scene quickly. And I kinda wished Yuuto was a bit more snarky here in his interaction with Ennis so there would be a more interesting exchange, like instead of being embarrassed at being called "simple civilian", he could react angrily and I can really foresee a fun scene to write (up to your imagination as to how you want it to go Louis-sama ;); Ennis also seemed to switch from tsun to dere a little too quickly within the morning scene.
The concept of different worlds and dreams being a medium of travel is interesting but I thought it was done in an info-dump sort of manner, but there's little you could do given the genre of your story.
And a homage to the Pokedex 0.0? That's kinda cool, should have borrowed more RPG elements for my story.
| Katsurou Shimizu 10/18/12 . chapter 2
Wowsers, attributes, an RPG game anyone?
I find that the narrator is kinda chill about being transported into another world, it kinda feels like he's just accepted the change pretty quickly and went about "hmm, interesting, so that's how it is", but it doesn't really distract from the story, so no worries.
Hmm, I can start to see how it was going to develop into a harem based on the introduction of another elf girl in town, and the "we only have one room so we are sleeping together tonight" scene, plus Yuuto's perverted tendencies. Is the girl in the white dress (the destiny caller I presume) going to be part of his harem?
One repetition I spotted that could be changed.
"said before she went towards me and touched my chest. I shivered a little as her delicate, soft fingers touched my chest" could be changed to "said before she went towards me and touched my chest, and I shivered a little at the touch of her delicate, soft fingers"
Other than that, a pretty solid chapter. :)
| Katsurou Shimizu 10/18/12 . chapter 1
Hi, as promised, I'll be reading and reviewing a fair bit of chapters for Bladearc! (Hahaha, I had to do that lol)
It's a traditional start to a fantasy setting, with the MC whizzed over to a foreign world and then suddenly gets the power to wield a sword for some reason he doesn't know (I'm presuming he's the chosen one?). While the premise isn't original, it's cleanly executed, though kudos to you for that. Your writing voice is pretty unique (I chuckled a little at the part where his dad died from slipping over a banana peel, imagine a standup comedian saying that with a deadpan voice), but there's a potential pitfall I noticed with your writing with regards to 1st POV: Too many "I"s and "me" punctuated throughout the prose. Sounds kinda paradoxical with a 1st POV but you don't want to sound too narcissistic (at least that's what I learnt from some books), so some possible suggestions would be perhaps like:
Instead of, "I looked at the wooden stick in my hand, and as I stood before the giant beast, the wooden stick felt like a toothpick, so I discarded it and picked the pointy eared girl's sword near my feet."
You could change it to something like: "I stood before the giant beast, the wooden stick in my hand feeling like a useless toothpick. The pointy eared's sword at my feet seemed a better option, so a quick switch was made."
Yeah, I changed the content a little, but the idea is still there. So don't be afraid to do some variation.
There are a few awkward turns of phrase, but I'll leave it to Jax to sort it out XD Meanwhile, I'll move on to the next chapter.
P.S Feel free to read Unfinished! XD
| JohnnyZwei 10/18/12 . chapter 4
It's kinda funny how today's topic was about harems and fanservice, and this chapter has one of those easily misunderstood situations.
The plot's moving forward at a good pace. And that "Lambent Arc" that Ennis used is making me wonder what sort of spell Yuuto did in the first chapter, maybe it'll be revealed later but I have a hunch it might have to do with the title of the story.
There was only one sentence that bugged me in this chapter. It was
_Without her, I might have been screwed up bad.
Its just that "I might have been screwed up bad." part. Maybe you could try "I would be screwed."
| Benehime 10/18/12 . chapter 2
Another cloaked girl bumping into him, getting knocked over, and revealing her face. Hope you don't introduce anyone else like that again later on lol. I'll go ahead and say this now so keep this in mind when reading future reviews, I'm not a fan of your typical fantasy genre. First things that came to mind while reading this was stuff like World of Warcraft (I've never played WoW or anything like that haha, but I have a good idea of what it is) with the whole medieval fantasy setting; elves, centaurs, sorcerers, magic, wizards, knights, and all that kinda stuff that falls in there. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I dislike those things, but when you clump them all together people tend to overuse same ideas and it becomes cliche and can be labeled as fantasy.
Sooooo with that being said, so far I'm not seeing much originality to your plot, though the plot hasn't really been established yet so I'll hold off on saying anything else about that.. After a while the tone of the narrator begins to annoy me. It just gets a bit old, I think you should switch up the way he speaks when explaining things. I like Ennis so far, she's been portrayed rather well. Yuuto, on the other hand, is not getting enough lines. While he's doing all the narrating, I don't think that does enough to show his personality off. All he's doing is explaining what's going around him and maybe his opinion about some different things.
I do realize this is only the second chapter and you've probably done well to show him off later on. However, two chapters in and I, being the reader, don't really like him so far, or at least I don't have a reason to. Hope you don't mind my opinions, the overall story so far seems to be heading in the right direction. I'm saying a lot off these last two chapters but they are fairly short. If they were longer than you probably would have addressed some of the things I talked about. Keep up the good work, I'll continue reading!
| Benehime 10/18/12 . chapter 1
Spelling looked to be good, but grammar and punctuation was iffy. A few run-on sentences, areas that needed commas or had them and didn't need them, and what really irked me throughout was switching between past and present tense incorrectly. Really liked when you described the girl, your MC was thinking about how her skirt revealed more flesh than protected. Great way of getting description across instead of simply stating her legs were exposed. Pretty standard introduction to your MC; clueless boy manages to defeat a being with some hidden strength he was unaware of possessing. Not much has happened for me to really say much else, so I guess I'll continue reading!
| SanjiandSerea 10/18/12 . chapter 1
Hmm this is definately interesting. I do like how you lampshade things that in video games don't make sense like wearing a short skirt in battle. So Yuuto's Dad died slipping on a banana peel, well I guess it's better than the over-used and cliche as hell died in a car accident thing that pops up in like thirty manga/anime. I like this story a lot keep up the good work.
Ja Ne for now SanjiandSerea!
P.S sorry for not reviewing yesterday a lot happened.
| The lone canine 10/17/12 . chapter 14
Wow. Somehow I am not surprised that Claire is a girl. That's one more Yuuto knows.
I really enjoyed this chapter, it had lots of great scenes and Ennis was really awesome here.
I look forward to the next chapter!
| JohnnyZwei 10/16/12 . chapter 3
Another good chapter, I'm half expecting Yuuto to get a crappy class just because of his bad luck mentioned at the beginning.
I did find a few typos though.
_Don't forget your thing
"thing" should be "things"
_I usually couldn't read other people's emotion really well anyway.
emotion should be emotions (yeah, English is a confusing language)
_which means that you've no special attributes like me
"you've" should either be "you've got" or "you have"
Its not really a typo, it is correct English, its just that it just doesn't feel conversational.
_After a while, I already used to this fantasy stuff
I think "I already used to" should be "I already got used to"
_"Do your kinds still can control dreams?
The question is kinda phrased awkwardly. Maybe "Is your kind still able to control dreams?" would be better.
Well, that's about all I can find for now. Though I did find a lot of things I'd have changed, I feel kinda like a jerk when I point them out like this, but I do like where the story is going.
On to the next chapter!
| mr waffles 10/16/12 . chapter 14
great chapter and thx for wrighting faster cuz its a great story
| JohnnyZwei 10/16/12 . chapter 2
Alright, since you want me to point out anything that I think could make the story better, I'll go ahead and do that.
First off, I like how you're describing what kind of swords and items are in there, as well as giving definitions, it helps for the readers to visualize the story.
Now for some things I think should be changed
"You may go and search for your own stuff. Don't forget to buy pocket belt so you can keep extra stuff.
...not so much a mistake, as it is a personal pet peeve of mine, but I don't like seeing the same noun used twice when other words could be used. Maybe you could change the first "stuff" into "equipment?"
...I could've sworn I saw some typos in there, but I think you already got to them.
Well, I'm off to the next chapter then.
| Van Quatra 10/14/12 . chapter 13
this is really great can't wait to see what the dumbest decision will be.
| JohnnyZwei 10/14/12 . chapter 1
Woah, this is good. This is really good.
Can't say that much about conceptualization, but dang man, the execution is pretty amazing, it flows, it's descriptive, the smart-alec narrator is funny too.
I was gonna say something about the grammar, but honestly, the potential fixes I thought up would really mess up the flow and the fact that Yuuto is an average guy, my speaking patterns are a bit...nerd-like and uncreative. Besides, the way you have it written is still pretty good, better than most people that speak English as their first language.
I'm gonna pace myself on this one, it's one story that I wanna read slowly so I can enjoy it to the fullest.
| Kiento21 10/13/12 . chapter 12
Cant wait for the next chapter! :D
| Ryou Arubin 10/13/12 . chapter 11
Wow, this chapter easily became my favorite one.
As usual, great handling of the action scenes. But it's letdown that the Wraiths just left when it was at the climax. There are some foreshadowing about the Wraiths, and with your writing style, I suppose the mystery would be solved in future chapters.
Lol "harem warriors". So the residents (ogres) of this fantasy world know what's a "harem" and yet not a "tsundere", how interesting.
Hmm, there's a variety of classes in Yuuto's party now. I wonder if you are going to introduce a ranged/magic type in the future.