|Reviews for BladeArc|
| c'estquatre 1/7/13 . chapter 12
I sense foreshadowing.
Do not disappoint.
| c'estquatre 1/7/13 . chapter 11
""In order to ward away evil spirits, someone needs to perform the purification ceremony in one place, and Ludd is doing exactly that. But, usually the ones who perform the purification ceremony are Paladins or White Mages, so it may take a while for him to finish the purification. "In the meantime, in order to allow him to finish the purification, we need to guard him. If his concentration is broken, he will need to start all over again…""
Either way, Banish as a skill is pretty great.
| Lord Slayer 1/7/13 . chapter 5
Mmm...he trades a few blows with Death and then Death leaves them alone because the main character shows a little backbone? That a big stretch for suspension of disbelief. You should probably do more to develop this, or downgrade the enemy.
Your narrative style is very...telly. First person narrative is meant to give the reader a very intimate connectin with the story. It's also VERY hard to do well, and it's something you need to keep practicing on. It seems more like Yuuto is telling about a story rather than telling us the story. Scenery is glossed over, there isn't much personal reflection. He kind of just wanders around, and most of it thinking about how attractive his traveling companions are, which makes him seem really shallow. I hope we see him developed more soon. Believe me, 1st person is really hard. Just keep at it.
| c'estquatre 1/7/13 . chapter 10
Although I enjoyed the infodump for Viper Bite, it would have been better to show it, instead of explaining.
...I JUST REALIZED what happened to Miya?
Oni generate electricity? Wot?
| c'estquatre 1/7/13 . chapter 8
"Princess…" I said. "Yes, I promise I'll go through this…"
Errr yea, totally not nitpicking grammar.
But Nero, huh, Nero... as in Nero Claudis Germanicus? Or Nero as Nrvnsqr being 666?
So I guess Yuuto's true form is going to a seven headed dragon with a crown on each head, etc, etc, more bible quotes?
That'd be cool.
| c'estquatre 1/7/13 . chapter 7
"I am a Paladin, so maybe I can recommend this for you, Yuuto. Good in defense, offense and speed, a Paladin is also good in magic…"
This woman would fail in a MMO.
Didn't Yuuto's sword in the beginning have runes? I wonder what's the difference between that and being a Rune Fencer.
"But it has to be expected. Her opponent is that muscle guy! Of course she'll lose!"
Tense issues again.
Oni girl... Megalomania?
| c'estquatre 1/7/13 . chapter 6
Ohohohoho, so you're going full Norse Myth route, huh.
But I'm not sure how true you're staying to the legend... needs more squirrels though.
But this distortion of Yggdrasil to summon humans sounds like Lotte no Omocha.
"While walking, my head was full with stuff."
| c'estquatre 1/7/13 . chapter 5
TWIST, is what I said the first time I read it.
But yea, Forest of Darkness is pretty cliche. Davren on the other was very fitting and fey. Mixed feelings.
But yea, easy way for protag to get awesome without grinding, animu plotline. Gotcha.
Chapter 6 time.
| c'estquatre 1/7/13 . chapter 4
Since this was just a fanservice chapter, there's no real point in saying anything, but since I have to say SOMETHING, it's back to grammar.
"I immediately checked her pulse and sighed in relief that I could sense a soft pulse. And she's still breathing properly, so there's no need for CPR or something like that."
Tense change. Also the 'And,' and 'or something like that,' are redundant. I also use "or something like that alot," so yea, that's why I noticed that.
| Lord Slayer 1/7/13 . chapter 4
Wouldn't it make more sense for Ennis to- as an adventurer- be able to recognize what's edible rather than risking her life needlessly?
Stats, huh? Are they in a videogame? If not, then how does this world work? There's still a lot about this world that needs to be explained, especially since the Highworld seems more and more like an rpg the more we see it.
| c'estquatre 1/7/13 . chapter 3
"Letting out a final whimper, the wolf died." Redundant.
Well I don't want to nitpick prose and grammar anymore and am going to move onto more conceptual stuff, but yea, you'll catch most of those errors if you read it out loud.
But Yggdrasil, huh, the name isn't universal so I wonder how the High people learned of it.
| c'estquatre 1/7/13 . chapter 2
"and I didn't wear shoes, unsurprisingly"
"The town was much to my imagination, with merchants and stuff could be seen around the town."
More awkward phrasing.
"Ennis said before she went towards me and touched my chest. I shivered a little as her delicate, soft fingers touched my chest."
I guess, try to use stronger verbs. Instead of "went," maybe, "playfully sauntered," or "touched," into "caressed."
"but considering that you're a human with no magic circuit"
| c'estquatre 1/7/13 . chapter 1
"For the first two weeks after hearing that voice, I freaked out." Awkward phrasing.
"At first, I thought that she might be able to defeat that monster, but I was proven wrong as the giant wolf suddenly let out a loud cry." Passive construction.
This is my second time reading this I got up to Chapter 6 last time, but I felt it was better to just start again.
But yea, it's mostly redundancy and syntax errors, those two examples. What helps for those is actually reading your story out loud in front of a mirror.
Now to Chapter 2.
| Lord Slayer 1/7/13 . chapter 3
I'd like to see more character development from Yuuto. Ennis we can get a good sense of her personality. She's bossy but caring, but Yuuto still seems like he's just along for the ride.
I really like the bit of backstory. The lost ability to travel through worlds has a lot of story potential, and Yuuto's mysterious appearance works well with that. Well done.
| Lord Slayer 1/7/13 . chapter 2
I don't Yuuto's acceptance of the situation seems very realistic. He just accepts his situation asbeing real and goes with the flow without hesitation. We need to see more conflict between him and his situation.