|Reviews for Autumn Spell|
| alexisamidnightrunner 5/14/12 . chapter 1
I thought this was beautifully wrote :)
Also did you mean 'would you kindly' as the bioshock quote?
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/10/12 . chapter 1
Scene: I thought you had some nice imagery in this flash fiction, particularly the way you address the knife and the blood-stained lips. They created very vivid images inside my mind. I also enjoyed that line about the woman's hair and how the narrator inserts his/her fingers into it - I felt a sort of desperation there, and I think it contrasted well with the sudden shame in touching her. The scene itself was very powerful in the imagery, though I'm unsure what message you're trying to portray or if there's any further meaning behind it.
Enjoyment: I'll admit, I was a little confused as to what exactly is going on. At first I was thinking someone is committing suicide or murder, then I began to wonder if this is a type of metaphorical situation meant to symbolize something else. As it stands now, I enjoyed the content itself but wasn't really affected by it when finished reading mostly because I wasn't sure what the point was behind this, which makes me lean more toward thinking this was written strictly for entertainment... but because of the briefness, there's really not much room to create a connection with the characters and/or situation, so I wasn't much entertained when finished. I did enjoy the images, though.
Characters: The characters themselves I didn't get much feel for. I would have liked to of known why this woman is killing this person (if that's in fact what she's doing - I wasn't sure), or maybe how this man/woman ended up in her arms, and if the narrator itself is a man or a woman. I mean, I know the woman is kissing the narrator, but that doesn't particularly mean it has to be male - that's just an assumption the reader will probably make, but that may also depend on their sexual affiliation.
Personally, I'm not a very angsty person. I couldn't relate to this short merely through emotion alone, so maybe it's just not the right type of story for me. But still, I think if you were to somehow develop the characters and situation a little more, it would help with the overall story.
(these are all mere suggestions - I understand every author has their own style, so take these with a grain of salt. They're just my random thoughts I had while reading)
[How gentle is her touch as she draws the blade slowly, caressing, across. And how delicious is the sensation of the cool metal on my own hot skin. And how loving is her voice as she leans over me, while I lay entranced, whispering the sweet words of death.]
Style: I could be reading these wrong, but I feel like there's a lot of emphasis on the 'how' in each of these sentences, making me think they are being said as a question. In that regard, you could end them in question marks - but again, I could be reading them wrong.
[Straying from the path she delicately inserts the blade inside letting my tongue run along its curve.]
Style: I think you might want to put commas in the empty brackets to help with the sentence flow and separate the dependent clauses from the independent clause. Also, I think you should remove 'inside' since 'inserts' already implies she's putting it inside and comes off as redundant with them both being used.
[Withdrawing it, she leans even closer, this time touching, her lips against mine.]
Style: That last comma before 'her lips against mind' creates an awkward pause. You may want to remove it.
[Wishing for, craving for, that feeling again, I make my move, oh so bold.]
Style: Suggest removing the second comma after 'craving for' in order to take out another awkward pause.
[In her eyes, I am but a toy, one for her amusement.]
Style: Suggest removing the first comma for the same reason as the previous two sentences.
| B.A. Howard 5/10/12 . chapter 1
Dark, violent, I like it. Nice work