|Reviews for Death Callers|
| BloodWillSpill 1/7/13 . chapter 2
For starters, Aislin sounds sexy. I love a character that's proud of her looks! Despite the chapter being tame, I liked that you took a backseat to describe Aislin to the reader. Really good imagery!
One problem I caught: "It may hurt at first time heals all wounds" Um, what? I think a semi colon would work just fine. Otherwise, great!
| BloodWillSpill 1/7/13 . chapter 1
I like the story but one thing annoys me (actually a lot of stories on this site have this problem). What's with the weird-ass names? What the heck is Kaydynce and Teagan? I was just frustrated that I couldn't pronounce the name. Now if it has some meaning in another language, that's cool and creative on your part. But it feels like you only picked that name for the sake of being outlandish and different. Your character's actions should show their uniqueness, not their names. But I suppose they're used to differentiate between the banshees and regular humans.
Anyway, your writing is solid and your plot is interesting. I'm glad I read it!
| Kay Iscah 1/6/13 . chapter 1
A banshee protagonist is interesting, but the relationship feels rushed and forced. Also strange to have her fall asleep unless this guy has hypnotic powers, which is possible in a story like this (golden eyes), but otherwise seems kind of pointless.
I get that she would be upset, but the teacher frightened her more than he injured her. Why not go to the principle and report this highly innappropriate conduct?
| A. Nonymous1234 12/26/12 . chapter 7
Really good four chapters that I just read. I will probably end up finishing the story by tonight, as I have nothing to do and I am very much sucked into the plot. Am I the only one not wanting Kaelin to die? As I mentioned before, Twilight has ruined vampires for me, so if he does have to die I would appreciate it not being by a vampire. (: I found a very errors and run on sentences, but it's no biggie and doesn't seem to bother me. I would honestly hate being a banshee. The pacing of this story is nice, it isn't too slow nor too fast and it keeps the reader reading. Thumbs up, once again!
| A. Nonymous1234 12/25/12 . chapter 3
When I read the summary, I really didn't think this would turn out to be all that good, but by a qaurter way through the first chapter I was hooked. The plot to me seems fairly original, I've never read a story on the life of a bansee before. I like how this all ties in with the Irish legend, I do not live in Ireland but my family is of Irish decent, and I will admit I'm quite scared I'll run into a banshee. There were just a few little errors in the first three chapters, nothing to gripe about, but at the end of chapter three I was a little grumpy by the mention of vampires. Overall amazing job.
| Loraine Wentworth 12/16/12 . chapter 12
The interactions between Aislinn and Kaelinn here are cute.
I like the cliffhanger, too- I'm interested to see what Kaelin's reaction will be!
| Loraine Wentworth 12/16/12 . chapter 11
The way you describe Aislin's worries over Teagen works well here- it adds a really nice element to her character.
Also, Celestial is a great name!
| seredemia 12/1/12 . chapter 18
woah. even though kaydynce isn't exactly the most nicest of characters, i still thought it was pretty unfair that she didn't even get a chance to defend herself... she basically only got one line to say and then she was immediately guilty. talk about unfair...
| Loraine Wentworth 11/12/12 . chapter 10
I really love the description here- the way you describe the forest. You give the atmosphere a really sinister, frightening quality which adds to a compelling sense of urgency. It really made Aislin's anxiety clear to understand.
There could be a typo here:
we both had a death call though my tended to frequently change because of me
This is really good chapter. Lots of plot elements have been integrated into the story and are moving along nice and quickly, and I'm getting a clear impression of Aislin's character.
| I-am-happy 11/4/12 . chapter 1
“Kaydynce was only a foot shorter than me….” Umm, a foot shorter is a pretty big difference. So maybe just omit the ‘only.’
“Teagan, my other best friend, said bitterly….” Okay, the ‘other best friend’ part is trppin’! Maybe something like, “Teagan, the third to our trio, said bitterly….”
“right yet I had a bad feeling like something horrible was going to happen, and I sure as hell wasn't going to like it.” That just sounded funny to me.
“….eighteenth birthday then everything change.” Try. “….eighteenth birthday-then everything changed.”
“….and admired, what girl wouldn't, yet it had….” Try, “….and admired-what girl wouldn't?-yet it had….”
“….too much attention; surprisingly I'm a shy girl.” Try, “….too much attention; surprisingly, I'm a shy girl.”
“…. day ended yet even if it did I would still….” Try, “…. day ended, yet even if it did I would still….”
"Ms. Gray, may I have a word with you for a moment.” Try, "Ms. Gray, may I have a word with you for a moment?”
“The offer was tempting as I did need a boost in my grade and Mr. Cole….” Try,
“The offer was tempting, as I did need a boost in my grade, and Mr. Cole….”
“….only eighteen plus it would just….” Try, “….only eighteen. Plus it would just….”
"No thank you, Mr. Cole, but thanks for the offer I appreciate it….” Try, "No thank you, Mr. Cole. Thanks for the offer, thought, I appreciate it….”
“I replied, briskly walking out of the room as fast as I could yet not fast enough.” Okay, we have a problem here! ‘Briskly’ means to walk fast, so it is improper and unnecessary to add ‘as fast as I could.’ Then instead of saying, “yet not fast enough,” you could maybe try, “but it was to no avail.”
“I struggled against him not believing that this was happening to me.” Try, “I struggled against him, not believing this was happening.”
“….then did the only thing I could think of; I brought my knee up and nailed him in between his legs.” Try, “…then did the only thing I could think of: in one swift move, I brought my knee up and nailed him in between his legs.”
“I guess they understood because the next thing….” Try, “I guess they understood, because the next thing….”
“….but couldn't go any further as someone had….” Try, “….but couldn't go any further, as someone had….”
"’Oh I'll leave Mr. Cole, but not without her,’ he said as he wrapped an arm around my waist and walked away with me attached to his hip.” You could have made this part REALLY good. Maybe, “He fixed Mr. Cole with a hard glare, and pulled me to his side, slinging an arm around my waste. ‘Oh, I’ll leave, Mr. Cole, but not without her.’ He pulled me even tighter to his body, then turned and guided me away.”
“I knew it wasn't over and that scared me.” Try, “I knew this wasn’t over, and the thought of hat scared me.”
“…but not by tutoring…" At the end of a sentence there are four dots in an ellipsis. So, “…but not by tutoring…."
Umm, why would he pick her up? Why would he take her to the nurse? That is all very strange.
"Hello to you too, sleeping beauty…." Okay, that is too much for me! I mean, sleeping beauty? Please, please, please omit it!
“….maybe thirty minutes or so…." Either take out ‘maybe’ or take our ‘or so’
“….knowing him for about an hour….” Uuum, she was asleep most of that ‘hour’ and I’m pretty sure there wasn’t an half an hour interval from when he saved her to her falling asleep.
“….who might you be, sleeping beauty?" NOT WITH THE SLEEPING BEAUTY AGAIN, PLEASE!
Well, that’s an interesting ending. I’m not sure I like that, ‘my first love’ part, but oh well.
You have a very strong idea here—very strong! I think you could go a great job executing it if you worked a little on your writing style. I found that it was pretty stiff most the time I was reading it, and the use of ‘as’ so much didn’t help that.
The idea, though-it’s so strong! This could turn into someone really fantastic! I suggest going through and editing thought. Keep a critical eyes as you read, and pick apart anything that sound even remotely off.
Good job, though!
Please reply via RH, to via The Sneaker and the Robot. Thank you.
| seredemia 10/26/12 . chapter 17
this is teagan in this chapter, right? good job in explaining her situation. its also nice that we hear from her instead of aislin cos it brings more suspense in the story, cos we still dont know whats happening to aislin and kaelin...
| seredemia 10/26/12 . chapter 16
aaw this was such a sweet chapter! its nice that kaelin and aislin finally confessed their feelings to each other. but its also sad that they got separated in the end. i hope kaelin is fine..
| Miles-tails-prowler 10/25/12 . chapter 19
he willingly gave his life force? o.0
| Loraine Wentworth 10/13/12 . chapter 9
Wow! This was a pretty dramatic chapter. Poor Aislinn... you've really introduced a lot of pathos here. I'm wondering how she is going to deal with this tragic event in later chapters- if it is going to change her as a person. I'm wondering if she is going to take revenge, too. So far she's seemed like a really level-headed person so this will be interesting.
| Loraine Wentworth 10/13/12 . chapter 8
I think you represent Aislinn's thoughts well here. You give just enough detail to show a bit more of her personality. She is clearly a pretty thoughtful person.
One small typo:
here hair was in pigtails
Overall, an interesting chapter. I'm hoping Kaydynce is ok.