|Reviews for Death Callers|
| Highway Unicorn 8/7/12 . chapter 1
HI from roadhouse!
I love the idea of banshees, it's very interesting. I never heard of them before, unless you made them up entirely, then of course I never heard of them, but overall, they are still parculiar creatures.
Just the concept of this young girl having to kill off his first true love promises a wonderful read. I think it's the worst thing that can happen to somebody, and I expect a load of drama from it. :)
Anywhos, off to chapter two!
| B.R. McNair 8/7/12 . chapter 1
Hmm... Tons of potential awesomeness here. The premise is great and Teagan has the ability to end up being a fantastic character. But your flow gets a little messed up due to the fact there aren't commas in certain places that really need them. Also, the pacing of the story itself is a little too fast. I don't mind fast pacing, I prefer actually, but you'd didn't really lead in at all to the action. You need to give some background to the characters and the setting before you launch into the plot. The story is good though. You have some really good ideas, but you just need to fix a few things to make this story fantastic.
Peace and love,
P.S.- Repaying the favor from Roadhouse.
| seredemia 8/4/12 . chapter 3
WAIT. SO IS A VAMPIRE GOING TO KILL KAELIN NOW? What did Aislin mean with changing the vision?
The part with the poltergeists was pretty cool. I really like the variety of beings in this story and it's so original at the moment. I don't think I like her friend, Kaydynce, at the moment. Because even though she seems pretty bubbly and fun around Aislin, her habit for seducing people without a second thought is pretty selfish and mean...
Although, I did like the small moment with Kaelin and Aislin. Poor Aislin. You can tell she's trying her best to forget about Kaelin... Great chapter as usual!
| seredemia 8/4/12 . chapter 2
It must be so sad for Aislin to find out that someone who means so much to her is going to die... I can't see why anyone would like their abilities as a banshee - but maybe they can actually use them to help people? Like can they actually stop someone from dying or is that not allowed? I can see Aislin trying to save Kaelin...
Hmm. I'm not really sure if being a banshee is a good thing at all. I found it kind of disappointing when Aislin looked like she accepted Kaelin's death in the middle part of this chapter. Surely, if he was her first love, he would mean a lot and therefore it would take more time for her to accept it? I know she has to forget about him so that it will hurt less, but it just seemed a bit unrealistic to me. BUT, I do like how naive her friend seems to be. Kaydynce is a pretty shallow character at the moment because right now, it's like all she cares about being a banshee is looking good and she's not aware of the bad things about it. I can't wait to see how she'll react once she gets her death call.
AND I really do think that Aislin will probably spend more time with Kaelin in the future (even though she tries to avoid him), and in the end, she'll just end up trying to save him from death. That's my theory anyway...
| seredemia 8/4/12 . chapter 1
Ooh I really like the summary for this story, so I'm really keen on reading it now!
I'm really intrigued by what these death calls are. Nice introduction on her friends by the way. I like how each of them have their own personality that you can distinguish straight away, and it's nice that their appearances are made clearly and it doesn't sound forced. All in all, it's a god start so far :)
Ooh, so succubus exist in this story? You don't see many stories with them in it, so I'm happy to see them here. Plus, I'm curious to see what other beings exist here.
Eep. I can see that being a banshee has its disadvantages. The good looks and all might be nice, but it's not as nice when people are trying to molest you... Speaking of which, is there actually a reason why they turn beautiful when they become banshees..?
I like the cliffhanger at the end! So a death call is basically seeing who dies then..? Lovely. I really like the look of this story so far because it should be interesting to see how Aislin deals with her new abilities as a banshee and if she'll actually like them. Because tbh, I dont think I'll like it if I have to know who dies or not...
| ohsocyanide 8/4/12 . chapter 1
On the story of mine you reviewed, I said, "I'll review something of yours if I like what you've got." That was so I didn't get caught reviewing something I didn't want to, something with terrible grammar, etc. I'm honestly not sure why I didn't review you, because I keep a list and I'm sure you had to have been on there, but whatevs. I'm reviewing now. If you review something else of mine, please send me a PM letting me know. It's an honest mistake!
The first thing I notice is that your beginning paragraph is the same as your summary. That works well sometimes, but it can also be a little too predictable at times. Gimmicky, I guess you could say. The second thing I notice is the spelling of Kaydynce - it's weird, and it takes my mind off of the actual storyline and makes me focus on her name instead. You're eleven chapters into the story, though, so there's probably no sense in changing it.
I do like the friendship between the three girls, or at least Kaydynce and Aislin. I got a feel for that, and it came off as believable and sweet.
You use a good descriptive technique towards the beginning. You don't list characteristics, which is awesome. Listing stuff is for third grade material, and not doing that shows you've got maturity in your writing. I notice later on that Aislin describes herself - you should go back and change that, because it's an elementary technique that turns most readers off. You should also go back through and proofread the hell outta this - I'm seeing a lot of missing commas and run-ons. The grammar needs a good looking at, because it's hard to concentrate on the storyline with it.
I didn't like Aislin's reaction to seeing Kaelin again. It didn't seem believable or something, I guess. I do like most of the names used in your story, though. The plot's good, honestly, but the grammar kept me distracted from really digesting most of this. If grammar isn't your strong point, I'd suggest a beta. You'll find that really good grammar generally constitutes a lot more reviews.
| Loraine Wentworth 7/24/12 . chapter 2
I'm enjoying reading this. You really have a flair for writing a dramatic story!
A few suggestions:
my mom replied[,] trying to explain it to me
Also, perhaps tone down the descriptions of Aislinns' appearance, to make her seem more realistic.
| Loraine Wentworth 7/24/12 . chapter 1
You hooked me with your opening sentence. I'm interested to find out more about the banshees.
A few pointers:
"Kaydynce, stop messing with the poor boy[-] you might give him a heart attack." [Which boy? Also check grammar here.]
deep like thunder[;] it made my body go weak just hearing it
Also, in my opinion Aislin seems to take to Kaelin a bit too quickly, especially considering what just happened.
All in all, tighten the few grammar/typing errors and maybe slow a few actions down a bit. Otherwise, this is a really promising start, keep it up!
| anna in wonderland 7/12/12 . chapter 1
ygehdsjinmce. this is excellent.
okay, so, i didn't really know what to expect when i clicked on this, because i'm not exactly world's expert on things of the supernatural genre. but i was pleasantly surprised, because this has some excellent potential.
aislin seems like a good character. okay, it is kinda too early to tell what sort of person she is, but i quite like her. there isn't too much about her crammed into this chapter, and i like that. we're given time to sort of adjust to her.
also, i'm nitpicking now, but i'm not exactly sure on what a death call is. you've probably said in another chapter, but i'm a little confused. sorry, aha. xD
anyway, i really enjoyed this. it was a great first chapter and an excellent beginning to what seems like an excellent story. i also apologise for the hopelessness of this review, haha. but anyway, i enjoyed it, and i would recommend it.
| The lone canine 7/11/12 . chapter 9
I decided to read all the way up to the current chapter you have of this and then review, and so I did. I really think you have something great going here! A believable cast of characters and an interesting plot.
I really enjoyed this chapter in particular, lots of emotion.
Great job! Keep em coming. :)
| The lone canine 7/11/12 . chapter 1
This is quite a story! I like how this is written and the concept is quite unique. I can definitely say I like this story of yours, so I think I am going to read some more.
| DutchAver 6/28/12 . chapter 1
The first problem I have about this story is that you explain too little. First, you start by off-handedly mentioning Aislin is a banshee and that she has got a death call, and then you continue by letting her go to school and have classes and more like that. We never really know what a death call means. You could spend more time expanding on that subject and explaining more. What I suggest is splitting up this chapter into a prologue, with Aislin first explaining the whole concept about Banshees and that death call, and then the first chapter, with Aislin going to school, ending with Aislin finding out about Kaelin's death call.
Also, Aislin is some kind of super-human? It doesn't feel like she is, you know. You can spend a lot of time on her feelings of not being human and not being able to blend in with her friends because she's a banshee, and you can expand on her emotions more. She's just turned eighteen and fears she'll turn into her friend - so of course, she must be very afraid. Tell us that, give her emotions more room. You can say that she's super-human, but just telling us that is pointless. Better is it to make it feel like that as well.
Also, Aislin was just harrassed by a teacher because she's pretty. A teacher, of all people, someone she's supposed to trust. Shouldn't you expand on that too? I'd recommend leaving it out, though, since this chapter feels a little stuffed with a lot of events, yet you don't expand on any event enough to make me feel satisfied. And Kaelin's entrance into the story can be expanded upon too.
Aislin feels a bit like a Mary Sue herself. Does she have imperfections too? She's so pretty that teachers can't stay away from her, and Kaelin comes back especially for her. Doesn't that read a bit annoyingly? Try to make her look more human. That reads more nicely and fluently.
Hope this review was helpful!
| Nintendo Fan 101 6/27/12 . chapter 1
I'll read the rest of your story later, but I like this chapter!
| C. Tattiana H-H 6/27/12 . chapter 5
[I was still in the woods, not alone though.] -Personal: I would change the second half of this to read "but not alone."
[It shouldn't affect me though; I knew he would die eventually; death is inevitable yet I couldn't fathom not having him around.] -You use "though" and "yet" quite often. I'd suggest trying to mix it up a bit for variety. I would reword this sentence to read: "It shouldn't affect me. I knew he would eventually die, death is inevitable, but I couldn't fathom him gone.
[forcefulness of his lips pressing against mine] -Edit: To remove the repetition of "lips" I would just remove it since the sentence will still read well without it. I would even remove "pressing."
[I had heard the term used before yet I had never conceived that it could ever happen to me, yet it did.] -Edit: Change the last "yet" to "but" and "did" to "had." Also, you can remove "that" from this sentence and it would still work.
[ere happily ever after's instead it was real life where nothing was ever perfect.] -Edit: Comma after "after's."
[My anger peaked at the accusation he had just made.] -You could shorten this to read: "My anger peaked at his accusation."
[I hated how my world was full of sorrow and death just once I would like to be happy, but even my happiness was filled with mourning. I just couldn't get a break; no matter what I did my happiness was like a wisp of a thought that I couldn't capture.] -Edit: There's a lot of repetition in here that I think you could remove or shorten. Try to rework this.
[He called after me; his voice echoing through the trees begging me to come back.] -Edit: Change the semi-colon to a comma and toss a comma after "trees."
[I knew if I did that I would breakdown.] -Edit: "breakdown" should be two words in this sentence.
[would have taken less time if I didn't have heels on and kept on tripping on roots.] -Personal: I would reword part of this to read: "...if I wasn't wearing heels and kept tripping on roots."
[My backyard was pretty much trashed from my eighteenth birthday party that my mom had thrown me.] -Edit: We've already established her mother threw the party and that she turned eighteen, so I would reword this simply as: "My backyard was trashed."
[it was before I fall too far and can't get back up.] -Edit: You're switching tenses here. It should read: "...it was before I fell too far and couldn't get back up." Also, it's a little unclear as to what you mean by her falling. I can grasp the meaning of it, but see if you can be clearer.
"Missy" should be "missy."
All right, interesting chapter. I could use a bit more description regarding the time of day and her surroundings when she first wakes up. What does she hear? Smell?
Other than that, this chapter was edited much better than the previous ones, and I liked the descriptions of the early-morning and her trashed backyard.
| C. Tattiana H-H 6/27/12 . chapter 4
I like the unexpected twist of her changing his fate without realizing. Quite realistic.
[...just waited for him to find me; I knew he would he always did.] -Edit: I'd change the semi-colon to a period. Also, you should place a comma after "would."
[I couldn't look at him not when I knew where he would be once I turn him down again.] -Edit: Comma after "him" and change "turn" to "turned."
[Yet I didn't want to reject him; I didn't even want to avoid him all I wanted was him at that moment.] -Edit: I'd change the semi-colon to a period and either place a comma or a period after "avoid him."
[I couldn't deny my feelings for him anymore especially now that I knew I could change his fate.] -Edit: Comma after "anymore."
[We had been friends since we were little you would think that would mean something to her, but of course not.] -Edit: Comma after "little" and I would remove "but of course not."
[Best friend my ass, I thought as I wiped away the tears that hadn't fallen yet.] -Edit: Comma after "friend" since "my ass" is an expression. Erm, I don't know how to explain that rule clearly, but I'll think harder on it so you'll be more certain about it in the future. :) I might also reword part of it to read: "wiped away tears that hadn't yet fallen."
["Aislin, are you alright?"] -Personal: I'm picky about alright/all right. Take a few minutes to Google the difference between the two and then decide for yourself how to proceed. However, personally, I would change "alright" to "all right."
[Kaelin asked when he saw me, kneeling beside me with worry written all over his face, "Did you fall or hurt your ankle?"] -Edit: I would change the comma after "saw me" to a period and then begin a new sentence with: "Worry was written all over his face as he knelt beside me." Also, end that with a period and then go into the dialogue.
[I'm fine though a little shaken.] -Personal: "though" sounds a touch too formal for me here. I would change it to "just."
[I said getting up slowly and turned around to face him.] -Again with the lengthy dialogue tags. I would try simply: "I said. Standing, I turned to face him." Shorter is better... some of the time. Try some short sentences, I think it'd help mix things up a bit so the sentences don't have the same rhythm and feel too similar after a while.
[His golden eyes held so much hurt in them that I couldn't even speak for a moment.] -Edit: You could shorten this to read: "His golden eyes held so much hurt I couldn't speak for a moment."
[I mean sure I had always envisioned it would happen that someday we would fall madly in love with each other yet that was only a fantasy.] -Personal: I'm not a huge fan of the "I mean sure" openings. The reader already knows this is from her point of view, and again, it's always great to imbue your narrative with the character's personal voice, but the "I mean sure" type inserts always feel unnecessary to me. This, of course, is simply my own personal feelings, so I leave it to your discretion to decide otherwise. I simply feel your narrative would have a stronger, more mature tone to it if you excluded them. :) Also, I would remove "it would happen that someday" and "with each other" so as to make the sentence stronger. Finally, if you remove those parts, toss a comma after "love" and I would change "yet" to "but." I'm confusing myself here, ha-ha. Basically, I would rework this sentence to read: "I had always envisioned we would fall madly in love, but that was only a fantasy."
Oh, just a quick thought: In one of the earlier chapters (can't remember which one) when they first recognize each other as classmates, you could have Aislin recall a nice memory of the two of them together and why she fell in love with him. Since he was her first love, and since they knew each other for so long but he went away, it would be nice to get a glimpse of the reason why she loved him, and who they both were back then. Keeping that in mind, I wouldn't do a flashback. They're difficult to do and I'm normally not a huge fan of them. But that's something to consider, if you think it would be worthwhile.
["I-I, um," I couldn't think of a good enough excuse; it was like my mind had a brain-fart, and no words could be found, "you, um, shocked me. I didn't expect it and um, yeah that's the best I have." He shook his head and started laughing like it was some kind of joke.] -Edit: Change the comma after "um" to a period. I would change "good enough excuse" to simply "decent excuse." I would also remove the comma after "brain-fart" and the comma after "found" should be a period, thus change "you, um..." to "You, um..." Finally, place "He shook his head..." either on a new line, or on the same line as his dialogue that follows this paragraph.
["So pretty much what you are saying is that you got scared of what was happening between us, and you ran, am I right?" I nodded with a look of pure astonishment that he could have figured it out so easily usually guys weren't that perceptive.] -Edit: I would remove "pretty much," and remove the comma after "between us." Also, place "I nodded" and what follows on a new line since his dialogue should be in a separate paragraph from her reaction.
[He was more intuitive than I ever gave him credit for, which meant I had to be even more on guard unless I wanted to let out the biggest secret to the human race, the paranormal are real.] -Edit: I would remove "ever" and "for" and change the comma after "race" to a colon. Also, loving this little piece of information. So humans don't know about banshees and the rest of the paranoms! That's awesome, and I love how you just dropped it in there all casual. Nice work thar.
[Though we try to keep it a secret somehow certain paranormal beings have been caught and to be found quite real like vampires for instance.] -Personal: I might remove this sentence. As a human reader, I'm aware of certain paranomal activity, so I'm not sure if this sentence is necessary.
I would start the paragraph that follows that line, however, with: "For instance, vampires are quite real. It's quite difficult to hide them since they tend to leave pretty significant bite marks on their victims. Not to mention, they always seem to leave a trail of dead bodies behind."
[even a dim human could presume that vampires are real.] -Edit: Begin this as a new sentence.
[Though I knew it shouldn't matter since in the end he must die so there was no point in trying to hide yet a lifetime of secrecy made me cautious.] -This sentence is a bit awkward. Perhaps try something along the lines of: "Although I knew it shouldn't matter since he was going to die soon, and there was no point trying to hide my secret, a lifetime of caution held me back."
["I…," I didn't know what to tell him…should I tell him the truth? Yet if I did I might lose him anyways. What was the right decision? "Kaelin, I'm afraid because I know you're going to-,"] -Edit: The comma after "I..." should be a period. Also, I would remove "anyways" from the second sentence.
[This wasn't a good sign if I didn't end this now Kaydynce would expose us all especially since a crowd had started to gather.] -Edit: Period after "sign" and a comma after "all."
[...her more vulnerable than strong like most succubus.] -Edit: I believe you want "succubus" to be plural here, which is "succubi."
Nice ending. I'm wondering how much he knows about what actually happened. It seems he knows more than he's letting on.