|Reviews for Legionnaires|
| Tawny Owl 7/5/12 . chapter 1
The prologue threw me a bit. There was the promise of future conflict in it but nothing that really conected me to the character speaking. Mostly I found it a bit confusing. I did read the synopsis first though and I do really like the compound idea.
I think youcould make more of the ewe giving birth aswell, even though it has been a long process it'd speed up towards teh end and there could be more of a sense of urgency that gives the chapter a more dramatic opening? And tells us more about the charatcers? I did really like the way you tied the birth into the reader learning more about the society the story is set in though. Although it did feel like a small info dump after that. Saying that though the 'it was up to me' resolution hinted at the future adventure in the synopsis. Knowing that Kai will arrive eventually the tension of Hazel going to fight and come back a changed person makes a tempting story.
so elsie's sister was still left to die? After the inital query it doesn't seem like much of a fight was put up for her?
You paint a picture of a bleak but very intriguing world. This chapter did feel a bit discordant though, with lots of short bits strung together. The essense of the blot is bought out really quickly and clearly though which makes me want to keep reading.
If you'd like to return the review I'm fishing for reviews on Eternal at the moment.
| stuck in bed 6/3/12 . chapter 5
Okay, so, first of all, the prologue is very good and very catchy. It's pretty ambiguous but that adds to the interest and makes the reader want to read on.
I like the characters; they're not flat but well all around. I especially liked the fact that Hazel isn't a perfect fighter - I mean, most writers make their main character amazing at everything but it was nice to see that Hazel has her weaknesses. I liked the line: "Gabriel looked at me quizzically, "Have they seen your arrows?" That was quite funny.
I have a few suggestions to make however:
1) Don't always feel the need to put "he said" or "she said" (or anything similar to that); it can slow down the reader and become a bit monotonous. It is not necessary.
2) Commas and semicolons have been a bit mixed up. For example:
"The hell for me was not out there, with the Mutants, it was in here, trapped on all sides by the overpowering fences."
"The hell for me was not out there, with the Mutants; it was in here, trapped on all sides by the overpowering fences."
(a semi-colon between the two sentences)
3) A small correction from the first chapter "my sister is a fire fighter and her husband [,] a chef" (you need to add the comma)
Other than that, the only other suggestion I'd make is to always add something worthwhile in your chapters. Don't just fill them up with anything.
In any case, great story! Lot's of potential. I'll be looking to see when you update!
| professional griefer 6/2/12 . chapter 4
Your writing style is very effective, telling about emotions, surroundings and thoughts without cramming too much information in at one time.
Your characters seem a tad one-dimensional, but maybe that's just me.
You should work on your speaker tags a bit, I saw commas that should have been periods.
But other than those, you give a very good sense of time and world.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu 5/28/12 . chapter 1
Ergh... finally back into the fray. -.-' Okay, first things, let me state that you might need to cut down on the length of sentences. Via my own (not so chummy) experience, people tend to bail out unless they're truly confident of going through the whole thing.
[The General, the old man who ruled over this compound, had over ten wives, and each had bore him a child.]
"The withered General ruling over the Compound had wives beyond numbers of ten. Sons born from their wombs were proof to his aging superiority."
I know I'm taking extreme liberties here and I won't blame you if you're turned off. In fact this very suggestion is there for references. i.e. If you know the direction you want to take here, I can understand. But I believe you can see quite a bit of imagery embellishment to make the readers immerse themselves into the scenario. Again if you know the kind of direction you want to go, please let me know so I won't screw up the second time again. I know you're very good grammar if there's anything to go from this chapter. :)
Okay now onto the fun part. Firstly I like the way you intro'ed this chapter with a time jump. Normally this can be very tricky if we're talking about a chapter solely focused on it. But so far so good, you've done a good job in making me interested. In fact I'll have to be blunt in saying that this is the chief reason why I can truly appreciate the flow. Of course this is intended as a compliment without any sarcasm, so rest easy there. ;) In fact I can tell you that not everyone here has the guts to pull this off let alone successfully. You're one of the very few I've seen so far who can do so without a sweat. :)
Also special mention should go to the ewe. I thought it might be a fifty-fifty on survival, but the fact is that everything was done and dusted fine. Yet behind the blissful image, I can detect the profound sorrow directed towards mortality itself. In a very mocking sense, the ewe doesn't have to carry the burden of 'living' because an animal's self awareness has never been that of a human being. Simply put, nothing beyond surviving.
Now onto the characters. I was wondering if you're gonna gun for a fairy tale style of war fantasy, but turns out that its anything but that. Its not everyday for me to read a dark romance where things could end up wrongly come the epilogue. This work of yours had done the trick for me. In particular, Gabriel shone out for me. Even though he's merely a supporting cast in this aspect, I do see a very cruel paradox in his character. He wanted to achieve something to prove himself, yet his very own self had always been the reason why he couldn't accomplish anything. Its apparent that the barriers of limit was nothing less than a monster out of his own making. He could have tried to change, but he failed.
As for Hazel, I'll have to say her stoicism actually masked her own insecurities about the future. Its like I don't what lies ahead, yet its the only reason why I'm still alive. In a very interesting manner, human beings are like that. Their very own limits is the only reason to fight tooth and nail for anything and everything. She knew what she wanted, yet it was for her own self. Not Gabriel since she would see it as bonus. To her, I guess the change lies in her own sense of delusion where she had to do something to lash back at the reality taunting her. Even if everything might be nothing more than a lie, I guess this the only way to justify her decisions.
Makes one angry over how adults can easily screw kids ten times over just only because they equally screwed as well, huh? :S
From the RH. :)
| Lets Get Moderate 5/27/12 . chapter 1
The setting for this story is what drew me in, post-apocalyptic world that relies on compounds to survive. With soldiers going out to kill the monsters they hid from. I like the story because it gives me insight into how to write a story like this.
Personally I couldn't really get a good connection with Elsie in this chapter, I feel like I had more of a connection with her family as a whole. The flashback really severed the connection I could have had with Elsie.
Somethings that happened inside the story seemed a bit odd to me, why would Elsie's parents get twos? Sure they were shop owners but could their health be that poor or could they really have no other redeeming factors?
The breakdown of the society where they go back to using slaves seems interesting too, you'd think in the future they would have some sort of "everyone is equal" thing going on but that's not the case.
One thing I REALLY REALLY liked in this chapter was your use of themes. I thought there was this theme of desperation throughout the story, whether it be the people trying to get into Deva, or Elsie's own desperation at her situation. The theme of fences sounds like it will be something that follows people when they feel trapped too.
| mingsquared 5/26/12 . chapter 3
This is an interesting story. I would love it if you can give some more background information on the world, like what happened during the War and a little bit more information on how the Mutants formed. World building is just fascinating to me.
I enjoyed reading about the various examinations, but I wonder how Hazel will preform though. The real world isn't something an examination can cover.
Your pacing is good and the plot is not rushed. The fighting scene is also very well described. Good job. :)
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/25/12 . chapter 3
I went ahead and read the first chapter before skipping to this one just to make sure I understood a little bit about what was going on. I must say, I am very intrigued about the society you have built here, because I don't think it's like anything I've ever seen. Almost reminds me of a mix between Hunger Games and maybe Underworld: Rise of the Lycans where the mutants are kinda like the lycans. Probably a clumsy comparison, but still, I thought it was very cool. Makes it a lot different than a lot of the other dystopian, post-apocalyptic stories I've read, and that's what makes it very interesting and stands out.
I really liked how you weaved some world building into the scene of Hazel and Kai going through her examination. The information you disclosed about these society while describing what she was doing was a great way to get across information without it feeling like an info-dump. I also particularly enjoyed the scene where they began practicing with the swords - I thought the way you worded it and the tone you adopted really made it both exhilarating and poetic. It was also a relief to see Hazel isn't an expert at everything, and that her main strength is fighting. It makes her much more believable and much less cliche (not that there's anything wrong with cliche characters, of course).
Anyway, I really enjoyed this. I thought you had a nice overall pace as well, as I didn't think you rushed into the plot too quick either, because we're only on chapter three and there's still plenty of development ahead of us.
The only thing I noticed that I would recommend working on would be your speaker tags. I saw incorrect punctuation used many times during the transitions into and out of dialogue - but don't worry. It's a very easy mistake to fix. I jotted down a few examples below to help you out with that when you go back and edit, as well as when you continue to write:
["There is every chance that in the Unknown you could become separated from your group," he rebuked,]
Edit: The comma after 'rebuked' should be a period.
["A bit rough, but a good effort," he commented,]
Edit: The comma after 'commented' should be a period. Just for clarification, if your speaker tag is between two lines of dialogue that don't flow together (like some of the dialogue I read above does), they need to be linked by a period after the speaker tag.
[I pursed my lips and looked him in the eye, "I would run."
He smiled grimly, "That is the best answer I have heard all day."]
Edit: Both of these sentences should have periods at the end of the action tags because they're actions and not speaker tags. Also, as a side note, I really enjoyed her answer too. It's definitely something I would've said as well. ;)
I'll definitely be keeping my eye on this.
| RedHeadedSpazz 5/17/12 . chapter 1
I don't even know where to begin with this one, it's so good! And there's only one chapter! First off, I'll start by saying how well-written this is. The imagery, the dialogue, and the way you're able to deliver exposition without infodumping is fantastic. The atmosphere is amazing and dark and I really want to see and learn more about this ruined world and how it came to be.
This story has some serious potential and I'm super stoked to read more. :)