|Reviews for Evolve|
| Rozayy 12/2/12 . chapter 1
- extremely descriptive
- mind bottling
- a work of literature that must be shared.
| Drew P 8/29/12 . chapter 5
Peanut butter, banana, ham & ketchup sandwich? EWWWW! This leaves me wanting to read more. There are 100s of grammatical typos I could point out, but I think someone did that already so I'm not going to repeat. Keep it up little man!
| Guest 8/11/12 . chapter 5
Very well written dear. I enjoyed it greatl.y
| Nia Moone 8/11/12 . chapter 1
Just at a glance, it's very obvious you need to:
-Put in an actual summary. Nobody will look at your stuff if it doesn't interest them, and they don't know if it interests them without a summary.
-Capitalise your title, unless there's a specific reason it's all n lower-case
-Your third paragraph is far too big, break it up.
"The teachers obviously bored" you need a verb in there, otherwise it doesn't make sense. insert "were" between "teachers" and obviously"
"paid, drowned on and on about thing" you need a subject after the comma. I suggest "they" and I believe you were looking for "droned", not "drowned" and as they are droning on and on about more than one thing, you need to make "thing" into a plural. "things". That sentence is also a bit long. I suggest a full stop after college.
"college when at least forty percent" So the section after the word college is a run-on and doesn't make sense. I suggest: "And even then at least forty percent..."
"no cure no immunities no resistances" you need commas after each word and your use of plurals is superfluous, so: "no cure, no immunity and no resistance"
"Religion went haywire spouting bull" you need a semicolon after "haywire".
You said that most country's population dropped 90% and then if it weren't for "Stein" they would have dropped 92%. That's stupid, because going from 90% to 92% isn't quite that much when you've had such a huge loss anyway.
"What stein discovered" there should be capitalisation on "Stein" as it's a name.
"affected in the slightest not even chimps" comma after "slightest"
"He hypothesized that the only" I would suggest starting one of your new paragraphs with that sentence.
"But again stein saved the day" comma after "again", capitalisation need on "Stein" again, semicolon after "day"
"gene gun" there should be quotes on that, as it's an invented name, as well as capitalisation.
"(There is a very complex equation for this that I will translate for you later, don't worry I scored a b in biology.)" That sentence ruins the flow and is entirely unneeded as I doubt your readers will care about the equation.
"The affects of the transference could be" start a new paragraph at the start of this sentence.
"Children made of a perfect blend" you need another verb after children, again "were"
"various organisms no one child" comma after "organisms"
"Kids with tails or webbed hands and feet." Again, you need another verb, I suggest starting the sentence with "There were kids with..." and then the following sentence will be fine.
"didn't look to weird" you should use "too", not "to"
"Of course once the causalities" comma after "course"
"became noticed" replace "became" with "were"
"For the last time Stein" Another new paragraph here.
"he saved his "children"" capitalisation on "he" as it's the start of a new sentence.
"body threw bleeding" should be "Through", not "threw"
"bleeding, sweating defecating" comma between "sweating " and "defecating"
"however over time" Capitalisation on "However as it's the beginning of a new sentence
"bioelectrical energy with the development of nanomachines individuals" insert an "and" between "energy" and "with".
Overall comments: This is a massive info-dump which is very unappealing to readers and we don't even know the narrator's name yet! It would work better if you created an opening scene and gently wove the facts through the scene instead of a block of informative text.