|Reviews for Safe Now|
| Small Wings Flying 6/10/12 . chapter 1
Imagery: I like how you juxtaposed the natural image of a river (with the bridge overhead) with the more human-made train/train tracks. Particularly fitting seeing as there’s a definite relationship intertwined with the imagery. I also like the “eclipse” part – my favourite so far. And the contradictory image of the “breeze on the ravine”…well, not so contradictory but you get what I mean. On the other hand, I would have liked to see a little more subtlety wrapped around the male character in regards to his imagery; I’d say you used “he” as a pronoun a little too often, but it’s a minor nitprick.
Flow: while it’s certainly interesting, I feel it’s a little “sharp” for the themes you portray in this. A natural image, one more about emotion and inaction than action itself, in the end looking on – your end was fine, but the beginning left me expecting something tragic and dramatic simply from the style you used. Like the train skidding, brakes, force crashing and tearing the body or something like that. But the flowers, the dripping hem…seem to contradict the style you started off with at the beginning.
Spelling/grammar: rather well presented, and you’re not throwing caution to the winds and dancing around the rules of the English language to complicate things, which makes it easier to follow the content of your poem. There was one inconsistency though: [Go on," he said,/ we both stand at a double arms length-] – I think the comma is a bit out of place. Considering the next line, a semi-colon seems more appropriate. But another nitprick again.
Enjoyment: I rather enjoyed this poem, except for your portrayal of the male character. I feel there was more you could have done with him, even if he was just a background character and the female was the main.
For some reason, I thought I saw some flower imagery towards the end, but I seem to be mistaken. It would have been rather appropriate; it’s how the Egyptians mourn for their dead. I’ve forgotten the flower though. Lotus maybe?
| alexithymic 5/31/12 . chapter 1
Nice job. I absolutely LOVE this poem.