I wouldn't have noticed if i didn't read this all in one go. Sebiaru eats a lot and Cloud doesn't eat at all.

So what IS his son's name?

I did NOT remeber the paper gun. That's a suprise twist you couldn't pull off without Cloud.

You stop posting right after someone got shot and come back woth another scene with this random kid?

I'm liking Winter more and hoping he'll switch sides. He seems a very thoughtful character. Once again, conversation is deeper and we're getting an idea of the character's pasts. I love it that Cloud got a scholarship but didn't complete school. Again, coincidences move the plot along: aka Cloud, who seems to know nothing about the world yet has an uncanny ability to touch the animals and people that advance the story.

There's obvious thought with regard to the magic of teleportation and fire, I'm looking forward to a deeper understanding of the workings of magic in this world!

Once again, a witty and insightful observation into daily life, in this case fast food and marital bliss. It might be Terry Pratchett's style.

I like how you have thought about Winter's characterization and weighed several options on how to present him. And I think I like this one very much, he's an instantly memorable character, and a perfect one for the gang to sharpen their teeth on.

loled at Raven's socks.

You should write another story with winters family in it.

I knew the white haired man was important! You have a way of introducing key characters through pure coincidence. E.g. Raven. Did not think about the paper gun though.

Glad to find out more about the type of job Cloud and Goal do. Also, I like the hints of Cloud being able to do extremely powerful magic, it makes me want to see what his limits really are when he gets serious.

Once again however, I find myself doubting that a spell that can raise undead hamsters will be able to raise one of the most powerful spellcasters in history.

I liked the starting reference to the wolf-chicken-grain puzzle! I think it should have been better presented though, i understand how that might be difficult.

Once again, the romance between Goal and Cloud increases! High school style gossip and fighting over hotel rooms is an interesting contrast to the supposed search for the deadliest man in history.

I feel like I'm getting to know the characters a lot better, and Raven is a fun tease. It's very interactional, like the whole mystery is a field trip. Another thing I enjoy is seeing most of this through Terra's eyes, she's the normal one compared to Goal, Cloud and Raven.

I can definitely see why Cloud and Marigold get along so well. Obviously, they enjoy teasing each other. Also, the introduction of a new, fast talking, sardonic character! Huzz...

Hm. I have a suggestion. the first part of this chapter seems too short and unimportant to warrant a scene all by itself, especially since it's just a simple search. However it does contain some insights into Terra as a character, so shouldn't be removed entirely. How about incorporating it with the second? This will help the flow.

Is the woman's name Delilah Kane or Delilah Larson? Or perhaps she's married.

What the heck is a dhampire? Oh wait, cloud asked that later.

This chapter is less polished than the first 3, somehow the segue into a restaurant scene boils away the tension, but I'm looking forward to it being improved soon!

Favourite Line:

After trying to come up with an answer for a few moments, Cloud gave up and said "so can we get a turtle or not?"

Dragon naturally speaking? Cooooool. I wonder if it even adds italics. Now when I read this I'm picturing someone telling the story in a stream. COOOOOL.

The conversation is a winner as always, and the plot is moving along nicely too. The plot twists aren't as convincing, though. Perhaps you could work on why the kids are so worried about Zeviel, but the adults aren't?

I'm pretty sure character conversation is your strong point! You manage to move the plot along and develop Cloud and Terra at the same time.

I like the hint about Cloud's power, and also the character traits and even weaknesses that you've placed in your story. It really helps me connect with them.

Favorite Phrase:

even if you could find a good use for undead hamsters

A white haired man named Winter. Nice. Does he use ice magic?

So the bad guys make their move...

Update soon!

Refined tastes like fast food? Sill Goal. I guess Raven's not too bad, but I really hated her first kiss thing.

Raven had better not be one of those high school stereotypes. Standing up to Goal is a good start. Don't make any annoying characters.

So Cloud can tell when he's being stupid...

Nineteen isn't that much older either, Cloud. Goal had the right idea taping his mouth shut when they first went to see Terra's dad. Love that. Terra should just swallow her pride and admit she screwed up.