|Reviews for The Amorous Adventures of Krin Hoekeson|
| JustJazzyD 4/4/13 . chapter 13
I'm an idiot. You wanted me to read through chapter 10. Ha!
I'm still seeing those punctuation errors. Example, "Oh well, she is a nice girl I like her, why not, I'll go." - this is a major run-on sentence.
This should read: "Oh well, she is a nice girl. I like her. Why not? I'll go." See the difference? Clear, distinct phrases.
Also, when you're doing those dialogue sections, it's helpful to break the paragraphs up when multiple characters are talking. The chat in the mall between Krin and her mom was a bit confusing, as well as the ones between Krin and Tiphanie. I had to remind myself who had just spoken last to get the character voices right. It helps to start new paragraphs when a new person starts taking.
This whole business with Tiph's mom threw me. Why is she so nosy? And honestly, Pam is a drama queen to me. Why is Krin her BFF when all she wants to do is party and get drunk? Krin is obviously about having some fun, but maintaining good grades. I'm not seeing any common ground between them that would solidify their friendship. Judging from these latest chapters, Krin and Tiph (cool nickname btw) have a bit better chemistry. I'll just have to see how that develops.
Also, the added note at the end is unnecessary. If this is a journal happening in Krin's present life, she wouldn't go back and add comments about what happened years down the road. If this was a memoir, then yes, that would be acceptable.
You got back into the true diary structure in these last chapters, but I still think this should be a chapter book.
Now - on to the next story!
| JustJazzyD 4/4/13 . chapter 6
This review is being completed by request...
Ok, so I read a little more than the first three chapters just to get a real picture of what's going on. I'm going to be very critical, but not in a mean way. I hope you take what I'm saying constructively because this is not terrible! I actually see goodness in this, but it does need some work. Here goes.
1.) Grammar - You said that you haven't gone back and edited and you know there are typos but you still posted these chapters. I would caution you to always - ALWAYS - proofread before posting. Grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, and poorly placed commas can be very distracting and make readers give up on your story because they will quickly tire of rewording or reformatting your phrases in their head so they make sense.
Example from this section: "I guess I'll just have to confront them at supper tonight, I'll report back later." That comma should really be a period. I see a lot of that in the first couple of chapters, missing commas, missing periods, or weirdly placed periods.
2.) Plot - Where is this story going? What is the purpose of it? It's fine to recount the daily adventures in this teen girl's life, but is she supposed to be learning a lesson? Is Krin supposed to be growing as a person? Stories have to have themes and conflicts. The main character needs to go on a journey either physically, emotionally, or internally, or mentally. Maybe this is about Krin finding love and learning about who she is in terms of relationships (I'm only saying that because another reviewer mentioned her kissing a girl at a party and the part I read was about Krin and Ted in a hotel...idk because I haven't read that far). So distinguish your plot. Make it clear to the reader. Otherwise your story could get bland very quickly and people lose interest and stop reading. Because honestly, if you hadn't asked me to read this and I stumbled upon it on my own, I don't know that I would continue it after reading the first few chapters because the plot has no driving force. I don't see a real story here - yet.
3.) Format - this should be a typical novel format not a diary. Diary entries just recount the day's events or offer insight into the emotions/thoughts/internal feelings of the main character. They don't have action and long sections of dialogue; standard novels do. So I urge you to reconsider the structure of this story. I think you're writing a chapter book quite naturally. And if you want to keep a bit of the diary "feel" in this, then have your chapter titles be the dates. But if you want it to say "Dear Diary, This is what happened to me today..." This needs to be completely redone.
4.) What I Like - Your Setting: this is very believable. I know nothing about bikes or Wyoming but I can tell that you do. Using the city names, the highway names, the weather, the details about bikes... it makes your story very realistic. I picture Krin as being somewhat tomboyish or as being a girl who isn't afraid to get dirty. She's got typical parents who don't want her having sex and living a good moral life but yet she rebels and lies to them. Kudos to you. That's great.
Ok, that was my first thoughts on Part I. On to the next section you asked me to review: My Yellowstone Odyssey.
| Evelina Duile 3/12/13 . chapter 71
Just finished the ENTIRE 71 chapters so I'm going to yak about some of the previous chaps, in no particular order. I liked the name "Krin". It sounds cool. The scenes where she is driving in the snow and ice were very intense. You said you had been to those places and the detail shows. Problem I had was later when she is with her friends driving in the snow and they come across the jackknifed truck and just miss it then Krin sees a couple of other crashed cars. So what does she do? She hauls the hell out of there! Doesn't stop to check and see if anyone was injured? Doesn't even call 911 to report the accident? That was a missed opportunity. What if she had stopped and had helped a guy she would later crave?
Don't know anything about bikes. (Once knew a guy who owned an old Honda 350, at least I think it was a 350)so all the details on Krin and her parent's bikes were lost on me. (Though maybe not if your audience is biker babes?)
When she wrote about Pam getting in trouble at the party and she was about to be charged with everything up to maybe starting WW3 was ridiculously funny:)
The story should be told not in diary form, but as a regular real chapter story. First, I or any of my friends do NOT write in diaries. We blog. I did notice halfway through Krin began to blog. Her blogs seem too mechanical. Her blogs sould be filled with much more OMG! emotions!
The party scenes are pretty realistic but at every party I've been to (even ones thrown by parents) someone has pot! So when Krin atended that one party and was offered a J and she freaked was a little too lame. I also wonder why she is so cheeried up?! She said she is not religious and there is no mention of any problems in her upbringing. I detected maybe she was leaning Lezzy? (Which I think was hinted at) Also when she freaks about everyone knowing she and Tiph kissed and stripped well, DUHH! There would have been at least a dozen cells with cameras there. They would of gone viral before the party ended. LOL!
Now what really pissed me off was the ending! After 71 chapters the story is going still to be continued?! NOT COOL! You should end this story (at least let us know what happened to Ted). Its ok to have sequels and stuff but you need to end this chapter of her life before continuing on. I do see you have other stories but still give the reader some closure, okay?!
I hope this review helped. You've been very nice in revewing my story and I don't want to come across as a too critical Bitch but I wanted to be honest. So overall you have a story with great potential.
| Chiisutofupuru 3/7/13 . chapter 7
After all the 'Show, not Tell' talk I do not mind the Diary-stuff at all. It's a good way to hurry the story along and I like the humour put into it. Also gives a good reason to tell some of the story rather than show ALL of it.
Great story, over all I like the main character, the only character given any real character so far other than maybe Ted. (he's going to become a problem for her if she makes a certain choice, I just know it).
I believe some chapters can be combined to make them longer. They are pretty short chapters. I know the intimidation-thing on long chapters but I believe chapters have to be a little long if it is ever to become a chapter book.
This will be all from me. (Just noticed you kept reading my story, lol. Sorry but I won't do the same. As you can tell I'm deeply into stories with a completely created world attached to it).
| Chiisutofupuru 3/7/13 . chapter 6
Chapter Six just gave me the answer to my question from chapter three so here's just a little criticism.
""Before I continue, I guess it's time I told you about Ted,"" - quote from chapter three
Ever heard of the phrase 'Show, not Tell'. Try to avoid having the character tell the reader about details. Instead you can show us through flashbacks or just throughout the story stuff can happen and eventually we all just fall in love with the characters.
(I have stuff in my story just to give the reader basic info. I'm still working on my 'showing' skills vs my 'telling' skills. It is not easy, at least it isn't for me.)
The character telling about their past is also 'Telling'. Instead, again, flashbacks work great and we get to see it in their eyes rather than listen to them talk about it. There is a HUGE difference.
| Chiisutofupuru 3/7/13 . chapter 4
Well, I know why you wanted me to just get the idea... looks like the next few chapters are like this. I'm not good at reviewing sex scenes so I will just continue for now and get to more story-related stuff after all of it.
Can't help but agree with your second reviewer a little, but that fact just gives her better character I think.
| Chiisutofupuru 3/7/13 . chapter 3
I thought the diary was an interesting idea for a chapter 1/2... whatever it's supposed to be. (I will call it chapter two cause it says it is). So far I like the characters. Believable girlfriend/boyfriend situation going on.
It's still clearly very open as far as where the story is going. All I really know is what the summary told me.
Is chapter three still in the diary? There isn't really anything telling me that it is. If it is I have no more to say either than: I will now continue...
| Me 6/21/12 . chapter 32
Oral sex is still sex. Just because he didn't penetrate you does not mean that you did not engage in sexual activity.
Sorry, I just had to say that. On a different note, this story is interesting, though poorly written. Krin sounds like a bitch, to be honest. She's annoying, and she's a hypocrite. But I will continue reading now
| Booky 6/18/12 . chapter 1
You're off to a great start Six!