|Reviews for My Dad the Changling|
| Lynn K. Hollander 1/7/13 . chapter 1
The grammar and presentation are off. The dialogue tags are incorrectly punctuated and capitalized. There are weird sentence fragments and strange diction/vocabulary choices. I wonder if English is your birth tongue?
His cry of outrage was lost on his father, whom lowered the stove's temperature to look out the window. - If the pronoun is followed by a verb, if the pronoun is a SUBJECT and not an OBJECT, use the subject pronoun: I, She and **Who**, not the object pronouns: me, her and whom.
As used this makes no sense: '..motioning to the extreme...' Possibly 'deviating from the norm' is what you meant, but the simplest and clearest construction is: '...nothing was unusual...'
'The call never got a chance to complete...' This has 'the call' as a subject. What is 'the call' trying to do? If the man never got a chance to complete the call, the MAN is the subject and 'the call' is the object: The man never had a chance to complete the call.
This is very confused: And in both their frantic indulgences, whichever was threatening the elder took it's chance, and in a clap of noise, they were both gone. The neighbours had, naturally, seen nothing of the event, only that one moment, their was nothing, and the next, the walker residence's front door was swung open to reveal nothing. The first part makes no sense at all. I think you need to check a dictionary for 'indulgences.' There is homophone confusion: its/it's. The first is the possessive pronoun and the second is the contraction of 'it is' with the apostrophe indicating the omitted letter. Here, the correct form is 'its chance', not 'it is chance'. TAKING A GUESS, and that's all I can do, the prose is so confused, I THINK the sense of the first sentence is something on this order: And as they both hesitated, the thing threatening Jason's father took its opportunity: there was a sudden noise and Jason's father was gone. -It's frequently difficult to determine the basic sentence. Also more homophone confusion: '...only that one moment, their was nothing...' there/they're/their. A sort of general pronoun/the contraction of 'they are'/the third person plural possessive pronoun. What you should use here is the general pronoun: '...only that one moment, THERE was nothing...'
Try using simpler, more direct constructions and checking a dictionary for definitions and usage, not just spelling advice. If you are using Voice Recognition Software, a visual read is still part of the editing process: If the VRS just reads the story back to you, you will not be able to observe the homophones and therefore not be able to ensure that the appropriate one is used.
| this wild abyss 6/8/12 . chapter 1
[From the Review Marathon, link in profile]
This is definitely a really surprising and intriguing beginning. I like the way you start this off like it's a normal family but with the promise of something more, because it gets readers' attention and makes them want to find out what's going to happen to this family. You also had way of expressing yourself that I liked because it drew me more into the story and this situation.