It's really metaphorical

I don't like the way you started this poem because it's pretty much the same as the end of the last one, so it's not really grabbing my attention. There's nothing /different/ about it; nothing that makes it stand out.

I also don't like how you've got "like" on a line on its own because it gives more focus to the word and less to the actual simile devices you've employed. A little detaching.

Overall, I feel this was a bit of a disappointing end to the collection. Okay, it's not quite finished, but this poem feels like you've tried too hard to tie everything together and lost a bit of aesthetic appeal in the process.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)

Hehe, can only give one review per chappie. :)

I kinda like the effect of those last lines because the paragraph-breaks work well in fleshing out the flow of the idea, dragging it to...well, sort of perfection I guess. It really emphasises the "reluctance" of the idea.

I don't like the bit above it though, the part that centres around "deteriorate" because the structure seems to constrained and firm there. That's a good place to have your phrases in pieces, but you've chosen for some reason to have the phrases each on a separate line, thus nullifying the effect of having deteriorate on its own line. It's one of those cases where style doesn't agree with words.

Okay...I don't like the page breaks again because I feel they're more jarring than emphasising and thus losing their desired effect. Having the words on their own don't work particularly well; the listing of actions is fine, but things like [where] would go better emphasised in a different way.

The other thing is your punctuation. When listing in particular, the commas make it fall flat. You could have been listing a list of vocabulary words for the impact it caused; it lacks that emotion of agony that the words seem trying to portray. Dashes or what-not - try giving it a bit of a choking effect.

I like the line [He took you away] because it comes out quite powerfully - gives a bit of a punching effect. Short, to the point...really helps with the dramatic intensity of the action and all that.

I don't like the use of punctuation in this, mainly because it lacks that extra oomph. You've used enough fullstops, which are better than commas. But it reads a little bit emotionless like that, I'd recommend using dashes in particular, make it a little more heartwrenching to read...I was quite detached from this poem.

I like the narration of this because it sounds like a person speaking of a hopeless sense of regret (except for a couple of points that break that). Gives the poem a narrative emotional voice and character, turns it into something that can reach out emotivelly to the reader as opposed to simply aesthetically.

I don't like the use of "remembered" in the first line because, being past tense, brings a form of detachment to the poem, thus dulling its effect. I think it would be more appropriate to say "remember" - give it more of a reminiscing feel.

[back / that ] - I feel there's a "so" missing there.

*blinks* Haven't I seen you over at fanfiction under the same penname? I'm known as Immortal Fallen Radiance over there, btw.

Anyway...back to the poem...

I don't like the numerous page-breaks in this; it feels to excessive. In some places, it's well used, both others, it seems like the sort of overkill effect. Eg. [Sure there were / hardships] is good because it reinforces hardships, but [or / fought.] work much better on the one line.

I do like the emphasis on "me" and "us" though because it brings into context the relationship explored in this viewpoint as well as the individual pitted against the world image. It reminds me of alchemy's law in FMA: all is one, one is all. And the classic: there's no me, there's us. You've done a good job capturing these ideas simply by emphasising those words.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)

Ouch. Vivid imagery

Love it. Would you read my stories?