So sweet :)

This I could tell that you put a lot of work into it and I find that to be a great thing. This chapter has some wings on it. Very bravo. There were some funny moments in this chapter. Some moments that surprised me. The moment that made me laugh, even if unintentional, was "they were grabbing a sack of grease" and I also laughed at some of the things that the characters said. I like stories like this. So far, I'm seeing some new traits in Madolin. She seems like she really hopes to have a date with Hawkin, yet he seems a little misguided. Misguidance is a good thing and I do agree with Madolin that there should have been a conversation with the date, however I won't argue since the chapter title says it all. Great job on this chapter. Bravo.

Before she could even take a step towards them
Before, she only mentions that Hawkin calls her. She makes no comment about him being with a group. You might want to put something about him motioning for her to join them.

"Why don't you come sit with us."
This is a question. Some people end questions with periods, but Hawkin doesn't say this forcefully enough to make it a statement.

He'd noticed something else, something missing
Try an elipsis here. It would emphasize the point that Kamill's missing.

It was like watching two people beat eachother down into bloody shells of themselves, but it was worse, because these were his parents
You don't need a comma after 'but it was worse'.

The good things about this chapter:
I really liked the use of vocab. It wasn't so hard that one would have to look it up in a dictionary, but it was very professional sounding.
I like the scene with Madolin and Kamill. You really should have Kamill find himself having a crush on her!
Hawkin's heart is acting up! :'( I really pity him here. Good job with pulling on the reader's heartstrings! You really had me feeling horrible for him.
I sense that as the story goes on, Hawkin will become more of the main character. You might want to catagorize this story differently, but that's just my opinion. I can't wait to see where you take the plot from here x3.
Hawkin is my favorite character :DD

P.S. Some of your readers are guys.
"Review if you think Hawkin is a sexy beast!" Just thought I'd bring that to your attention x33 haha.

As always, keep writing sis, and I hope you take my review to heart.

I liked the chapter. I do think that the characters do still exhibit plenty of emotion. The chapter was very short, so there isn't a whole lot I can say about this particular chapter. When I read the end of the chapter, I almost feel like it could have been longer, like she was going to tell him something. Don't get me wrong, cliff hangers are always great, just not all the time. I will continue to read more of the book in hopes that the story will continue to evolve. I do think this story does have potential to be something more. Don't give up and keep trying. I'll keep reviewing when I can.

"Let me know how that's working out for you." You should say something more along the lines of how that works out for you, as what you have now implies she should tell him how it's working now...

I only saw a couple of things I had to reread. One suggestion: more High-school age jokes. This does not mean inapropriate ones, just more stuff that High-schoolers would actually laugh at. Some of Hawkin's jokes need some 'beefing up'.

Other than that, everything else I saw was positive. I especially like the comment about Hawkin's life being like something straight from a Lifetime Movie Network drama. You got a big laugh out of me for that one :D

Awww... poor Kamill, getting left in the dust again. :'( Makes you want to cry, doesn't it? Maybe a 'love scene' between Kamill and Madolin would be suiting at some point. Madolin thinks she's being nice, Kamill thinks she has a crush on him. When he gets ignored so often, it wouldn't be unbelievable that he'd jump to that conclusion if she showed intrest in him, haha!

Good work! I love where it's going and I look forward to more, more, MORE! Keep writing, and remember... I love ya, sis!

Very attention getting. I like the way you portray mr. Talon's insecurities on the matter.

I do have a couple quick fixes though... you had Ms. unnamed lady tell Mr. Vordic to take the teacher to the car to discuss the matter. But di he leave her alone in the car? This may not have been a mistake, but I just thought I'd let you know about my confusion. Also, in "...blank, as the dark, teeming..." you don't have to put a comma between 'blank' and 'as'.

Other than that, I love the beginning. Like I said, it's very eyecatching. It makes the reader curious, and anxious for more.

As not only your sister but an author too, I have to say I'm rather impressed. You've pinned the characters personalities. Keep working at it and don't worry about coating the paragraphs with imagry, although I think your doing alright at that at the moment.

Love,

Risen Brimille

P.S. Make sure you're posting often *nag, nag* :D

I was anxious the whole time I was reading this. I kept on thinking back to the prologue and it's ending. Ugh I don't think I can wait very long for the next chapter -.- but you should still take your time writing out the next chapter. S2

Oh my... I wonder why Madoline screamed. This was short but good. Hahaha I'm jealouse how you manage to keep me on edge whenever I read your chapters :)

O.O ooooh UPDATE OR I EXPLOOOODEEEE!

So far I like where this book is going. This chapter had a laid back feel to it and it made it fun to read. The subject of math is an interesting subject to dwell into and it works. That kid is still missing. You'd think that they would find him by now. Hawkin and Madolin are still full of life and that's a great thing. Keep it up.

Most of the time I ignore stories with the type of summary you used but I dunno. This just called my attention. And I don't regret it. It's pretty good :D

Now this is quite a different chapter. It started out as something serious and I enjoyed that. It seemed like we were going to have a bit of action and it was just over the top. Awesome. Yet, you were still able to throw in a curve ball and make me laugh. You're great at this writing thing. Also, to find out that something dark/funny happened because Hawkin couldn't was a brilliant humorous yarn. I hope to read more from you. Keep it up.

I spotted about four mistakes here, they were just minor mistakes and I would have missed them too if I hadn't read other author's reviews for this chapter.

' If it weren't for the fact that Madolin – gorgeous funny, and kind of peeved – was sitting right there next to him, he would have been slamming his head against the wheel. '

You missed a comma between the words gorgeous and funny. At first I thought it meant something else, that she was funnily beautiful?

"Hey," a hand touched his shoulder, "can't handle a little teasing?"

*sigh* This one confuses me, because I thought that you made a mistake by not capitalizing the 'c' but then my friend told me that it doesn't have to be capitalize if the sentence is still going on and stuff -.- Idk

"we talked a lot about me, and I know I'm a fascinating person and all, heh-heh, but I really was hoping to get to know you. You know?"

You just forgot to capitalize the 'w'

' He had to kiss. her, just one more time. '

I don't think that period should be there ... Should it? Nah.

"Madolin. I… I don't know how you do it, but you have a way of seeing through me. I mean, I'm normally pretty good at putting on an act but… for some reason, I can't put on any facades around you. You really see me. I just…"

This reminds me of a girl confessing to her school crush about her feelings for him! Except this is the other way around, which is cute, sweet, and unexpected - which makes it even more original, as my friend puts it.

But Hawkin's confession didn't sound like a teenage boy. It didn't sound right. Maybe if another character was saying it, then it would work, but Hawkin doesn't seem like the type of person to say something like that.

Then again, we did just learn that he was putting up a facade, and he might be just like my friend and I: Trying to sound smart in front of other people, so we just rack up our brains and say random things. Lol :))

ANYWHO, besides the grammer mistakes and Hawkin's OOC - even though he belongs to you, so we really can't judge - this chapter was great! :D

Keep up the good work.

S2

' If her smile got any wider, she wouldn't have room for the rest of her face. ' Lmfao HAHAHAHAHAHA you make me crack up! xD

Hmmm, so is Hawkin going to bring it 'to go' because he's taking the date over to his house?

I caught some capitalization and punctuation mistakes... They didn't really make reading the chapter a hinderance, but I shouldn't have been able to catch them in the first place ;) Read over your chapter again, you'll catch them.

Anyway, this chapter was really short but I liked it.

I'm going to just give up hoping that Hawkin is actually some kind of suave and smooth guy. He really isn't- not sure if that's what he really was at the beginning of the story or what you wanted us to believe; but he's starting to just curl up on himself and not be a "suave" guy. Actually, he's made more mistakes than good moves in all honesty.

Either way, I like how you're starting to actually write some more action in the story; the kiss was kind of expected, but it's nice nonetheless. I don't see where you're going to go with this and how you're going to somehow tie it into the whole Kamil issue; but it'll be entertaining to see.

Also, the actual writing of the kiss was fine; it wasn't too drenched, it only took up two short paragraphs, but seeing as it was a big part of the story, that's fine. Just don't make it a habit. It may help to portray what a first kiss was actually like if you use what you felt during YOUR own first kiss as an experience to draw on- or was this even Hawkin's FIRST kiss? Either way, just use your own experiences to write things that are more believable or true to life.

Anyways, good chapter and keep up the good work!

- SSoeiro