|Reviews for Legend of Ren|
| Dreamers-Requiem 8/11/12 . chapter 2
I like the way you're hinting towards things here, with the conversation between Nana and Kirin. It works well, and gives a great hook and reason for the reader to keep reading. Just watch out for small grammatical errors; [I am sure you already know my name," he smiled like a tiger,] should be (know my name." He smiled like a tiger,) Should only be a comma if it's a speech tag following. ["First lesson of hiding: Never let your opponents ] Not a new sentence, so 'never' doesn't need a capital letter. I really like the story, and like I said you've brought in a great hook - there are a lot of questions surrounding this, and it works really well.
| Dreamers-Requiem 7/1/12 . chapter 1
At first, from the summary, I did think this was going to be a bit too much like Mulan. However, from the start you made the idea your own. I admit, it is a cliche idea but I really like your take on it, and I think the writing remains solid throughout. The small details really make it come alive. Great first line, really worked well to draw the reader in, and I like the hints that the other servants were scared of her. It gives a strong impression of her character before she even knows what her character is like. The only thing I noticed was with the dialogue - ["Look into my eyes little one.] Should be a comma before 'little one', as there is always a comma in dialogue before someone is addressed.
| mingsquared 6/21/12 . chapter 2
I'm eager to see what you have for the next chapter. The training sounds like it's going to be intense, and interesting at the same time. Kirin is looking like he's a very unconventional master. The dialogue is good, and it flows nicely with the story. Other than that, I don't have much to say.
| Animel 6/20/12 . chapter 2
What a unique dynamic you've created between Nana and Ren. Nana seems to harbor the same feelings towards the girl as I do as a reader: horror, sympathy, confusion. On the one hand you can't help but realize she is only a little girl, but on the other her actions have thrust her very much out of the category of a child.
I am impressed by Nana's ability to repress her own emotions and get the feeling that Ren is going to take very much to heart the lesson she provides about duty.
Just a few minor typos:
[Man. Women.] Should be Man. Woman.
No comma after perhaps.
[Though I had not realized at the time,] Though I had not realized it at the time
[breath heavy] breathing heavily
[the fun moon] the full moon
[needed to a pure soul] needed a pure soul
I don't think the word compulsively works here.
[My eyes perked up] ears?
Poor kid. I look forward to your next chapter.
This is very well constructed for a first story-I'm impressed! Keep on writing!
| the-lovely-anomaly 6/20/12 . chapter 1
Wow, dark! It's scary how one little spur-of-the-moment mistake can have such dire consequences. The narration is done extremely well. I like Ren. She's an interesting character, and she has great potential for growth.
I'm not completely sure about the killer training at the end. It seems so strange, so out of the ordinary. But I have a feeling that it'll be further explained (and very important) in subsequent chapters so I'll go with it.
Also, when and where is this story taking place? I'm a little confused as to the setting.
Nice work. You've got a good beginning here, and I'm curious to see where you take this.
| Antihealth 6/13/12 . chapter 1
"delirious from the [dessert's] rays" This was the only spelling/grammar error that I caught.
I like this chapter, you do well to set the tone of something ominous, yet not fully realized yet. It'll be interesting to see how you build the father/daughter relationship, in light of such existing complications. I'd also like to see you expand on how killing Lien Qi affects Ren in the long run, mentally. You mention "buried a piece of myself", but how is that piece going to affect her outlook on the world, value of life, morals, etc?
Looking forward to next installment.
| lookingwest 6/13/12 . chapter 1
...at the sight of my bleed... [blood]
..in the dessert with only dry seaweed for sustenance. [desert]
Others say that, delirious from the dessert's rays... [desert's]
I dropped to the ground... [floor, if they are inside]
The first line makes me wonder then, at what time the narrator Ren is re-telling us her story. If it's an oral story, or a written one, perhaps in a journal of sorts. Since you start with such a bold sentence I really get that flavor from it, but that's also something that might start to unfold as the story progresses. I did like the opening line though, it really catches the reader's attention, and I think it was quite bold.
The death of Lien was quite startling, and I think it shows great potential for Ren's character development. I like how you described the burial and went on to explain that Ren also buried a part of herself too. Well described, and it reflects a lot of her growth that had to happen from that point onwards.
The training to be a killer section kind of montage towards the end was a little too sudden for me, I would've liked more time with Ren as a child than having her thrust into this training, or at least some other type of preparation besides combat right away. That being said, I think it does pull the pace along and the plot, and it promises some action that will probably happen soon in upcoming chapters. The paragraph detailing the desert journey was a good hearty paragraph-make sure you spell desert right, or the whole journey takes on an entirely different meaning, haha.
I did like the words to describe the fighting towards the end though, like the thrust, parry, advance, retreat paragraph. That was well described and I liked that she wasn't perfect at it either, and needs more training. It shows that she has flaws so far and also shows room for progress. This first chapter shows good potential for the rest of the story!
| YasuRan 6/13/12 . chapter 1
This shows promise. I like the setting and the protagonist. Both show potential for interesting developments. The narrator comes across as realistic and vulnerable at the same time, which could set her up for a good journey of self-discovery.
What could use some improvement is your diction. There were tense shift errors and incorrect spellings (the most jarring being 'dessert' instead of what should be 'desert'). Make sure to proofread your story to catch such mistakes.
On the whole though, like I said earlier, this shows potential. Keep writing and improving :)
| this wild abyss 6/13/12 . chapter 1
"I was eleven years old the first time I killed." [Interesting first line. Something about those eleven year olds, correct?]
Hmm. The style and phrasing of a lot of this reminds me a lot of something else I've read, in particular. So I'm not quite sure what to make of that, but yeah.
I think your writing is good. It's fairly simplistic, and considering how young your narrator is, I think that's a good move. There were times were I felt your word choice overreached the limit of a child's mind, so that pulled me out of the moment a bit.
This is a good start. You start off with a bang and get your reader interested straight away. I'd like to see where you take this.
"we formed the best of friends" [Style: worded awkwardly, try "we became the best of friends" or "we formed the best of friendships"]
"horrified at the sight of my bleed" [Edit: "bleed" should be "blood"]
"her pale face stricken with vacant eyes" [Edit: "stricken" should be "struck"]
""Come away Ren" [Edit: comma after "away"]
| Nanumi 6/13/12 . chapter 1
Enchanting. Can't wait to read more.
| S. Jacks 6/12/12 . chapter 1
Wonderful flow to your writing. And I love the imagery of the petals falling from the tree. Rather forlorn feeling to it. And I also think you might have a good premise to it if you're going the direction I'm imagining. (of course, I hope you're not going the direction I'm imagining because I'd rather you blow me away by something I didn't think of!)
Like a few of your other readers, it's difficult for me to believe that the 11 year old Ren could have the strength to strangle another child. But at the same time I'm giving the idea a chance because I think there could be many reasons as to how she was able to do that. Also, is this based in China or a fictional place? If it is China, what time period? As there are a lot of factors you'll have to consider. Certain dynasties had sacrificial burial, others had a more traditional sense of burial, and certain dynasties cremated. In certain periods crazy things like foot biding were in practice, which would mean Ren would be hobbled due to her lineage. Little things like that can make a world of difference in a story. I also enjoy it when I get a sense the writer had put some research into a story (not saying you haven't btw!). Anyway, all that to say I would recommend a way of telling the reader where the setting is and what time. You could be straightforward with it, or you can provide clues such as settings and events that the reader might be familiar with.
Keep it up! There always has to be a first story for every author! You're starting off beautifully!
| mingsquared 6/11/12 . chapter 1
Hello from the Roadhouse!
[Weeks after Lien's death[,] a chill swept over the castle.]
[ There were many stories – some half-true[,] others fully false.]
[ The men were sent by our ambitious emperor [craved - craving ]for more land in his already expanding territory.]
[Months later, he returned alone with no fame[,] no fortune[,] no land[,] no men.]
This is an interesting start to a story. Your use of imagery was really good, especially for a first story (my first story was awful). I definitely want to see where you go with this.
| Violet Lore 6/11/12 . chapter 1
You have lovely writing and a flowing way with words. The summary was beautiful also and very intriguing. The only problem is that there are a few typos and errors. Other than that, very nice work.
| Inkspilled 6/11/12 . chapter 1
"Nana who had once cared for me as if I where her own daughter, now barely speak a word to me" - speak should be spoke
The writing is easy enough to follow. The murder of her friend at eleven poses a lot of questionable areas of doubt. At first I assumed she was taken with rage and killed her in an instant, but she had choked her friend. That takes a lot of time and strength, so I have to assume there is more to her. So far the first chapter has created an interesting premise, though it hasn't shown us a conflict yet (the one that would take place over the course of the book). Otherwise, I have no complaints. This seems to be pretty good so far.
| motherloosegoose 6/10/12 . chapter 1
This story has really caught my eye.
First, i'll just mention any problems i found, which is simply just a few grammer errors, that's all.
Now, I really like the plot you've created. And considering what happened in her life, like the murder of her close friend, and the neglection/coldness of her father, it promises a good read.
I can't wait to read the next chapter! Question, though, what is the time period?