|Reviews for Forgotten in History|
| okunoin 4/5/13 . chapter 1
I really like your concept of picking different time periods in history and portraying a love that is able to blossom in each, it's a super nice way of delivering emotion to your reader! Out of interest, what is that feeling that Aaliyah feels towards the end of this piece? Is it lust? Admiration? 'not love...something close', I guess it could be a combination of different emotions she feels as a result of being so physically close to a man for the first time.
The only error in the writing I could see was this line - 'He had nice smile, she noticed. ' Which I presume should be, 'he had a nice smile', aside from that, it's very well written, your prose is very easy to digest :)
| candyswirls 7/28/12 . chapter 2
First of all, I'd like to congratulate you on picking this concept. It's a very interesting one, not to mention that I love historical love stories. ;
Anyway, on to the chase. I love the way you write. I love how you present the scene to the reader, and how it unfolds. It's slick and flows well. The problem I have with this story is that it is cliche. Many have done the concept of forgotten history before, and I've read a lot of good ones out there. I'm really sorry to say it, but I got bored reading this. It's not new and doesn't make an impact on me as a reader.
The first story (the one with the colored lady and the white man) was okay, although I didn't feel the emotion at all. I didn't care enough for the characters to relate to them, and this is essential if you want to be a good storyteller. You could try to provide more background about the characters and make us sympathize with them if you want us to care about your characters, and for the story to have effect. In writing, it is always character plot. The characters should be the ones moving the plot along, not the plot nudging your characters to make the decisions they should make in order for the plotline to carry along. If the latter happens, as in this case, it isn't realistic at all, and it would feel contrived. Also, if you're going to stick to the length of that story, every sentence should have weight, otherwise it just flops out. Always remember that the shorter the work is the harder it is to make it a good piece (which is why poetry is such a hard thing to write).
I found the second story (the Titanic one) too cliche and overused, since the "true love even in death blah blah hold hands in death blah" concept has been used over and over and over again. If you really want to use this concept, defamiliarize it. View it from another angle; present it in a whole new perspective. Make the reader see it the way it was never seen before. You could try reading Robert Olen Butler's "Titanic Victim Speaks through the Waterbed" and "Titanic Survivors Found in Bermuda Triangle" (they are accompanying stories, and one of my personal favorites) for some ideas. You can also add some "UMPH!" to your stories so they will create a bigger impact. :)
All in all, I believe you are a good writer. I've only read a few people here in Fictionpress who use language skillfully, and you are one of them. I hope you don't take my review in a negative light; I only want to give you my opinion as constructive criticism (which is what most of the people reviewing stories on this website lack, in my opinion). But of course you can choose to ignore my comments if you think they are wrong. This is just my opinion as another writer (I like to think I am a writer XD) and a reader. :)
Don't stop writing and practicing! I hope to read more of your work in the future. :)
P.S. I'm sorry for the extremely long review! This is just me when I get going _
| MagicWords 6/17/12 . chapter 1
Really beautiful. I loved this piece. I love your concept of forgotten history! Keep it up!