|Reviews for My Boyfriend Makes Me Feel Inadequate|
| Afan 5/24/13 . chapter 13
| SymbolCup 4/26/13 . chapter 1
Chapter One: The style took some time to get used to, and I don't think it's just the unfamiliarity of it; it feels a bit like you were also finding your way, and (since I've already read Chapter Two, and the start of Chapter Three I can say this) it seems to be a re-acquaintance process that you go through with every scene. Awkward, then comfortable. Then *in it*. Luckily the Awkward Margin shrinks as you go.
And that's the thing- the parts where suddenly it all falls into place, where the narrative becomes effortless and it feels like we're not pulling ourselves uphill any longer- that's where I am blown away.
I believe that this style is worth getting acquainted with, and insofar as that is true, you are right to expect the reader to make an effort and run to catch up to you. But there are a few places where the reader has to work unnecessarily hard to get something fairly simple, something that should be given away for free. Part of the awkwardness at the beginning of this chapter stems from that- and it seems to do with spatial logistics and referential pronouns.
[Back at Kieran's apartment, he was...] After investigating the surrounding text, we can tell that 'he' is supposed to be Kieran, and I suspect you were quick to throw his name in because Tyler was the last person to say anything and you intend to switch to Kieran here. But it had somewhat the opposite effect. It could be smoother- and very easy to fix- if you changed it to [Back at his apartment, Kieran was...]. We know instinctively that if "his apartment" belonged to anyone but Kieran, then it would read as "Back at Tyler's apartment, Kieran was..." so it's not actually ambiguous this way.
Not long after that, Kieran looks at Tyler, who is watching TV while Kieran is at the oven. And then suddenly Kieran is putting his arms around Tyler. The jump threw me off; for a second I felt like everyone was in one place and other places at the same time. Elsewhere in this story you are very meticulous with how you detail actions and distances, so the gap felt inconsistent. If you are doing this purposefully, I almost want you to emphasize the strangeness of it more, to signal that this is intentional. If not, then please put in something like "Kieran went over and . . ."
If you were to comb through and tweak a line here or there, it would make a big difference in helping ease readers into your style. Which, to reiterate, is amazing. I wasn't expecting to like the diffuse POV, but I gave it a try, and became utterly enchanted. I especially like how you use it when you've gotten used to it, yourself.
I love the reds and oranges that crop up in your color palette for this chapter (especially in conjunction with the bright silver fish; orange and silver is an under-appreciated combination). After Tyler leaves, you transition from color imagery to temperature imagery, but I find myself also wanting to see some color while Tyler waits for (or rides) the bus. Some contrasting grey/black to go with his mood (and reflect, perhaps, a dulling or tarnishing of the silver that opens your scene), might be perfect.
I will be keeping an eye on your future treatment of color versus temperature. If it is distinct, that will be interesting, and it means you are telling us something here on a symbolic level. If not, then I want you to come back and weave the color/temp schism together a little more in this chapter.
-the sun was getting low in the sky and just starting to orange up. (You verbed that orange and I loved it.)
-It was very smooth and very black. (Rhythm really worked in your favor here.)
- It wasn't passionate, it was more sorry coming from Tyler and I'll miss you coming from Kieran. (THANK YOU for making NOT EVERY SINGLE kiss/glance/interaction an erotic passionfest. Apart from being refreshing, this kiss is also effective, and charming to read about; it was part of what decided me on liking your style.)
-An abrasive scrubbing in his heart. A prickly blanket thrown on his skin. A buzzing in his ear. (I love the progression of pain, smothering, and irritation we get from these three images.)
This is wonderful, and I look forward to reading more.
| ImmanenceEnsured 12/28/12 . chapter 13
Chapter 1: I liked the descriptions and that you explained everything clearly and coolly.
Chapter 2: I like this sentence a lot: ‘He had to constantly avoid the puddles that had sprung up everywhere, and even so still heard a splash now and then and felt a squelch now and then as his foot hit one.’
Chapter3: I like Derek, his thoughts were interesing. More tangible than Tyler’s, and a bit easier to relate to. Tyler and Kieran are very lovey-dovey still, but it’s not as annoying as it could be. Besides, there’s a certain tension that takes the sugary edge off.
Chapter4: I totally loved the whole of chapter four. It was intense and nicely written. The description of the forest and the court was great, and I liked Kieran’s reactiont to Tyler’s overreaction. They’re a bit dramatic, but it’s understandable.
Chapter5: I like the analysis of Tyler’s dislike for the party, it’s simple and smart. The whole party is just painful though. They both should’ve added some water to their wine, although it’s understandable for a sixteen-year-old to freak a bit. It’s the age. Luckily Kieran doesn’t throw a fit.
Chapter8 : I’m not really a fan of angsty relationship thoughts. I hate that Tyler is thinking like an old man about to die. It’s one thing to lament over a supposedly broken heart, but he’s taking it to an unhealthy level way too fast. Moreover it’s obvious he’s overreacting because they didn’t even have a real fight. That aggravates me, although it probably shouldn’t because anyone can get depressed like that, but I find it hard to follow his train of thoughts. First love? Maybe I’m the old woman for having forgot what that feels like.
I Liked the description of the atmosphere in the classroom, and the general feel of the chapter.
The coach and all of his friends can go fuck themselves in a very painful, unpleasant way.
Chapter9: Kieran has a heart, yessssss. That is a good thing. In Tenderhearted, I think that was what both characters lacked. That’s why I’m happy this story’s different.
I really like the short mother part. Loved the poem.
Chapter10: I love that Craig doesn’t know Tyler’s been kicked off the team until Ty breaks it to him. Love a good surprise and the way you handled it, with the wind blowing. I could hear that rustling whoosh sound.
You have a knack for writing about asshole people, though. Why is it that so few of your characters have realiable friends/get supported instead of ignored and humiliated. I don’t understand. And what’s with people trating their shrinks like shit? I’d be dead scard or intimidated and answer every question the woman asked just to get out of there as soon as possible.
Chapter11: I’m getting pissed at Tyler but I know I should hold on for two more chapters. He’s digging his own hole. Luckily Craig is intelligent enough to know you can’t just let people down. But that feeble ‘Yeah’ as thanks really thicked me off. Snap OUTofit Tyler! Ugh.
Chapter12: Craig is doing an awesome job. I was so hoping for Kieran to turn up at that party, knowing he would because it was the second last chapter, and then it happens! Yes! And I’m once again annoyed at Tyler because it’s all so easily resolved, proving that he was just being an idiot. He crushes all his earlier insecurities however, by coming out right there and then in front of all of his old friends. That’s awesome.
Chapter13: I’m feeling real happy right now :)
| Jill Montino 12/2/12 . chapter 13
I really enjoyed this story. It was told quietly in a way that I put a great value in. The lack of a true climax does therefore not matter to me. The sensory details that you told me that I sometimes lack, are very well portrayed and I can see everything. Even though this is your strength more than anything else, I'm still impressed and pleased.
You show that your characters - the ones that we get underneath the skin of - all have weak moments, but the way they show them is how they become judged as a person. Tyler, who's trying to keep all of it to himself, is very easy for me to relate to because of his constant anxiety and worrying and inferiority complex that in the end boils over and leaves him empty instead. He has an ideal idea of how he thinks a relationship is supposed to work and doesn't want to bother Kieran, because then he'd be showing this weakness. Kieran lets instead things out once in a while, and is by that a healthier person. They're both very much believable and likable.
Tyler's inner journey is also interesting, because it's almost scary how dependent he was on Kieran for his happiness. And even when he was with him, he was just worrying. It's not all clear whether or not he'll continue with that (depending on Keiran) but he needs to learn how to create happniess and well-being for himself by himself. But to do that, he needs to be more comfortable with himself first. We see a bit of that starting to grow when he decides to let the team know, and that makes me happy and a bit more calm.
The omniscient suits you very well and I'd keep it up because it gives you more space.
(I know what I wanted to say, but I don't know if it came out right or not. Anyways, it was a very sweet and quietly told story that I enjoyed muchly!)
| R. Ficst 11/18/12 . chapter 13
I really enjoyed that. The POV you chose worked well, too. I liked how it gave an almost softly analytical tone to the piece.
I'm glad they're back together and happy.
It would be nice to see if he works to get back to soccer, and what happens with Neil and Craig, but I'm happy with what you have written.
Very nice work, and thanks for posting!
| chibikodo 11/13/12 . chapter 13
I like that the epilogue shows Tyler has been working to get better and that the journal has been moderately therapeutic (but Kieran's presence has been immeasurably more therapeutic). It's sweet that it ends on a hopeful and content note, with the two of them snuggled together. :) thanks for sharing your dtory!
| Skyless-11 11/11/12 . chapter 13
I'm sad it ended. I feel a bit cheated though . this story was worth so many more chapters, but you decided to go with a kind of deus ex machina. Which still works, but I would've loved to read more.
Hmmm now, at the end :-? I'm not sure I understand Tyler... he seems... lifeless? Kind of. Especially since in this last chapter you added the "I did what you told me to do" lines. He seems a bit fond-less. He's an empty carcass that is only filled by Kieran, and even then, it's Kieran, not Tyler. That's kind of how I was left :( I hoped you'd write more chapters so as to make Tyler more than a leaf in the wind. Yeah, that's exactly what Tyler was: a leaf. Kieran was the one making the leaf fly, and when the wind was cut off the leaf started falling, and it fell bad. And when it came back he started flying again, but still just because and at the whim of the wind. He only showed will a few times, and even then barely.
I have nothing against Kieran and the other characters. You made Kieran round enough, perfectly shaped and constructed, he grew he had will and we can see that clearly. He is a very good example of a three-dimensional character. The other characters (flat/two-dimensional) were what they were supposed to be (the mom, the friends, even the best friend, though he showed signs of being more than flat, but not enough to be round). Only Tyler was the round, but less, character. He should have been round, he seems to be growing, but really without content. Only his form is growing. He's a weird round-flat character xD
The story idea was adorable, most characters (especially Kieran, I loved kieran) and the most exceptional part was the writing itself.
Nothing left to say but Good Job!
| Catkac 11/11/12 . chapter 13
So, I just read this in one sitting, and I must say it fit my mood quite nicely.
I was eating up that poetic chapter where you described Tyler's depression. His experience is different from what I've felt but it gave off that same feeling of not feeling right and stuff. I don't know how to explain.
And I liked the poems. The fisrt two more than the third but still.
A loose end I would point out is Derek. And that time when Tyler was thinking how Craig doesn't talk about sex...it made me think ''Oh he's so gay for you sweety. Just wait until he professes his undying love for you.'' Of course I was picturing the most cliché situation that could happen and was hoping you'll spare me (and other readers). If you ever plan on making a separate story for Craig, I'll read it, gladly.
Dereek and Neil were like badly constructed villains of the story, like you didn't actually know what to do with them once you had them out. Derek felt even more so, because you actually wrote some paragraphs in his POV and I felt there was going to be some climax involving him.
And your overall choice of POV is very interesting, indeed. It's a rare form, I haven't read many. But I feel like you constructed the very first few chapters with it the best. These last ones were, sorry if I bite, somewhat disappointing in that area.
And for this being a coming out story, it felt like it wasn't a big boom. You know, ''Surprise I'm gay. Teehee!'' I liked that.
As a reader I'm eagerly and faithfully waiting for more. Good luck with your future writing.
| Honunjama 11/11/12 . chapter 13
I think this is a good ending:) It took me a moment to work out the italics but I think that's a nice touch and it works well to draw in the stability of Taylor's home life and his future and yet still show the sweetness of now with Kieran. It makes me glad that Kieran feels Tyler changed him somehow, glad for Tyler anyway.
It's been a sweet story. I think my favorite parts were the unsaid misunderstandings between them, where they both do things to try and please the other without really understanding what the other wants- that stuck in my mind.
Anyway, look forward to reading your one shot.
| Aletiah 11/11/12 . chapter 13
This was sweet. I don't have so much to say about this more that that I really like this ending, it's happy in its own way, it feels real. I'm so happy they are together and it seems like they have sorted out their problems. I can really see that they have a future together.
I'm eagerly waiting for your one-shot now :)
| IAmAnAeroplane 11/10/12 . chapter 13
Great story! When I got the email saying there was anew chapter (this epilogue) I was like.. 'Ooh! YAAY!' And I read it (no duh!) and, sure, it's short, but it's a sweet ending. It was real good!
| PenguinHearts 11/6/12 . chapter 12
Don't worry love, your chapter was great! (I'm sorry about my really long break from this story, school is awful right now) But anyways, I do want to compliment you on the way you showed Tyler's emotions, depressed and lonely. There was an obvious change in both Tyler's and Kieran's moods in the part when Kieran said he loved him, which in my opinion was very sweet. I'm in love with this story, keep writing! :D
| heyitsstupidme 10/17/12 . chapter 12
You didn't have to be nervous about this chapter. It's very good. I think the last chapter will be very important, so, I'm curious about that.
| chibikodo 10/11/12 . chapter 12
So I take it Tyler has been getting some help from his sessions? Will the soccer team think that Tyler was acting so weird because he was struggling with coming out or was depressed about being gay when really he was just depressed... For potentially no reason?
I'm glad Kieran came for him and reached out and basically said he'd be there to support Tyler. :)
| IAmAnAeroplane 10/11/12 . chapter 12
I absolutely love this story, you are an amazing writer and I can't wait to read the ending. I love how you potrayed Tyler and Kieran so differently- one so confident in himself the other so unsure. Love it!