Yeah, I like the details :) I like the intricacies of intimacy! The misunderstood signals! It's all good stuff!

Suki

I think this chapter is the best so far. Your jumping head is a lot less noticeable in this chapter. I know, jumping head is something I need to get used to when reading this style of writing - that's really my problem. Last chapter I thought I was getting a whiplash. But in this chapter, the transition between heads is a lot smoother.

I like that you put more description in this chapter, that you dwell a little and observe so to speak. Like I said, I think this is the best chapter in this story so far

I'm hearing the beginnings of what I would call a full character take over...and I like it. From the moment after the wasp onwards I can see stuff's going to get a bit more angsty. I saw angst coming, but not precisely like that, admittedly. It was interesting to see that reaction from Kieran after the kiss. Tyler's got a lot more angst going than originally appeared, me suspects.
I'm not sure exactly what you mean by writing inside or outside the characters, but then given enough hints I just project myself headfirst into their heads anyway.
So this sweet story...not so happy sweet after all? Oh hang on, this is me expecting angst upcoming. I don't know how you're going to take this.
Look at me, holding up a sign for how little I care about that. Characters all the way. More!

"Greater Canada", hmm? I assume that doesn't include the Praries. Jeez, you Vancouverniks are lucky. You live in a beautiful city, with plently of culture and hippies, and I'm stuck in a wasteland full of farmers, oilmen, and prarie dogs. I'm so distraught about this, I even misspelled "plenty".

Anyhow.

You have rather a good thing here. The premise of the story is very original, the characters are well-drawn (if slighylt muddled), and the setting is cool. There's just tiny niggle: the writing style is extremely detached.

Other'n that, a durn fine yarn (as we Prarieniks might say).

I'm enjoying this. I like the dynamic- Tyler's age and inexperience/naivity and Kieran's love- it's good!

'Only once had he had to let the phone ring without an answer, and Kieran told him the next time they talked that his game had gone overtime.' I like the sort of understatedness of this...it's hard to explain but there seems to be a lot of that running through this story:)

The sudden jumps between characters thoughts don't throw me or anything, but when you're seeing from one charcters perspective for quite a while and you're quite involved in what they're thinking (like Tyler and the phone call) and then it suddenly flicks to what Kieran's thinking for a sec, it just had me thinking oh, I wasn't expecting that because it's been that one perspective for quite a while. I'm not sure how helpful that is though, sorry!

Suki

I really like what you've done with this. Seeing both sides and all the unspoken conflict is really effective. The whole towel under the door thing gave me a lot of feelings just on its own. The fact that Kieran wants to show Tyler off where Tyler is afraid he just wont match up is like...hat tip mismatch there. It's one of those things that written so it makes me grin without quite hitting eyeroll territory. Yep. I like it.

I do hope the meeting with Kieran's friends goes well.

Cherries! Sorry, I always read A/Ns and that amused me. Funny thought - maybe I'll suck lemon slices before writing an argument or something and see what happens, haha.

Yes, better conflict, and it's getting much more interesting. Good job.

-REB

First of all, the sentence "brightly coloured people" conjured an image of brightly and differently coloured people in my head, like purple skinned people and bright green and neon pink skin. A second later though, I thought: maybe what you meant was brightly dressed or sunlit? Anyway, I just want to let you know what went on in my head as a reader when I read that sentence.

Secondly, I noticed that you jumped heads a lot. Like Tyler, and then Derek and then Jim. Back and forth between Tyler and Kieran. I don't know if you intended to do that or not. I have read some books where they do jump from head to head but I just want to make sure.

Other than that I enjoyed reading this chapter. Just have to watch for brightly coloured people! .

Oh man, I love this more and more. I really love the clean break between Tyler's world and Kieran's world. It creates this delicious tension in their relationship. Also, I totally feel Tyler on being nervous to meet the friends. I would be! And I appreciated that Kieran is worried what his friends will think of him dating a high schooler. It's not that he's ashamed, but it is something that might raise some eyebrows. I think their whole conversation and thoughts during the talk were really relatable.

And, for some reason, I'd kind of forgotten how you mentioned Kieran was really big and then in this chapter, you described Tyler's build as smallish (or whatever adjective you want to use) and I just...can I just...I have a HUGE size kink, oh man. ;lahglh.

Er...okay, so to leave my pervy-ness aside for a minute, I really really adore this story. Would you mind if I rec'ed it in an A/N? I just think it's so lovely and I want you to get all the reviews.

I love this story so far. I think what I like about it most is that even though Tyler and Kieran have an established relationship, they're still pining for each other. Normally, the stories I read and write all have this crazy UST and then the characters have sex and they're together the end. So I think it's really interesting that you're exploring that after space, where your characters are together, but that doesn't magic away the nerves or the problems involved with every relationship.

I think both of your leads are really interesting, too. Tyler being closeted (at least, I think he is? Maybe he's not, and he just doesn't want people to know about Kieran?) and living at home. Just, idk, the idea that he's got one foot in two completely different worlds is an intriguing dilemma.

But, man, my heart goes to Kieran, for sure. Maybe it's because I love his name, but I think it's because I'm a sucker for the one who gets left behind. Oh! And back to Tyler: I loved the lingering disappointment he had upon waking up in his own house. I'm sure everyone can relate to that feeling.

Anyway, this is great, I can't wait to see where you're going with this. It's great when you love writing a story so much it just feels good to do it, so I'm glad that it seems like this story is like that for you!

Yeah, I like your descriptions in this, esp. on Tyler's run.

I like the hints that Tyler is not at all open about his sexuality.

Last chapter, I thought Tyler was a bit blase about his realtionship with Kieran, because he couldn't wait to leave, but this chapter it is coming through that yeah, it's his inadequacy that makes him feel like that.

Hmmm I know nothing about ratings. I mark every story I write M.

Suki

I think 'they had sex period' can be rated T - but don't quote me on it. If FP thinks 'sex' is not a T word, then you can even tone it down to 'they made love period'.

Ah okay Mr Omniscient, this is something I've never attempted so I understand.

I like that their feelings are so discordant, and I like your descriptions of the two different types of love.

Is Kieran's abnormal size just his height?

Suki.

That was so cute. I like the parting kiss and the two loves explanation (already knew boo ya). You've prempted my 'show/tell' thought but I find I don't mind anyway. Different stories different styles. The 2 guys have an interesting dynamic. Looking forward to it! (angst is a necessary beautiful evil, but I'm a sucker for happy-love and domestics)

Definitely a different style. I guess the "tell not show" approach gives it a little bit of arm-length treatment. Which is not entirely unenjoyable (is that a word? Well, is now). Reminding me of old novels (like "Pride and Prejudice" old) where this is really the style they use.