Now the writing itself is good, but it doesn't evoke anything inside the reader. I can see the emotion but I can't really feel it. I think that maybe if there was a pattern perhaps. To me its more like a letter. Also usually you have pretty strong metaphors, but here I can't really feel them, they don't stick out like they usually do.

This is really nice!

Nicely done! The ending is very encouraging. :)

This has made me think.