|Reviews for Moonlighting|
| Vernelley 3/30/13 . chapter 4
Sorry about the extreme delay in returning your review, I got it just as classes were starting for the year so I haven't had much time for FictionPress. Anyway, I decided to look at this story again since I'd already read some of it a while ago.
It's interesting that it's written in second person and the narrator doesn't seem to be named at all during the chapter, so it really adds a different dimension for the reader. I think what I found the most prominent in the writing here was Jimmy's character; his characterisation is very bold, and from the way it's told by the narration, he's very realistic and easily the sort of person one could imagine from their high school days; I'm sure there were a few of those in every school. So he has this obvious prejudice against the Gates, but the way it's told doesn't make it seem too exaggerated, so I thought that was a strong point.
In terms of the narrator, his characterisation is a lot subtler, but I think this works well as a contrast to Jimmy's dominating characterisation. The fact that he still has doubts about putting his friend before his girlfriend (I'm assuming) shows a realistic sort of internal conflict, so he's not a flat, one-sided kind of character. He also seems more accommodating of the Gates for the most part, so it's another stark contrast to Jimmy and it really makes me wonder how much they do have in common.
I would have to say though, I'm not really sure how this chapter ties in with the others I've read so far. It's interesting to read about another set of characters centred on the same basic plot and concept but it did sort of come out of nowhere because I expected the chapter to be focused on the characters that had already been grounded earlier on. I wouldn't say it's a bad thing, but I am somewhat confused about how it ties in.
| Vernelley 10/24/12 . chapter 3
It's been a while since I read this so hopefully I still remember what happened in the last couple of chapters.
I liked how you set the start of the chapter with the interactions between the non-human creatures. It just adds a sense of realism to the story, since they are currently in the human world. It's interesting that the Gates can't return through the rip and are thus still trapped in this world. Makes me wonder what caused the rips in the first place, if they can't go back through them. It's nice to see that at least some of the humans like Kate and her boss are more sympathetic with the Gates and are trying to help them out.
The last line is an interesting concept; it's common for there to be some hostility between parties because of differences, but I find that if something reminds an individual of something he or she doesn't like about himself or herself, they tend to harbour some enmity as well.
Just one small suggestion:
'After that, she kept coming back, telling us about herself and her family and gradually we opened up to her.'
-I think this line might work better if the rest of the chapter after it show a more apparent lapse in time, otherwise it's hard to tell how far back in the past Alys narrated this, since the overall narration is in past tense as well.
Overall, it's becoming engaging now, so it'll be interesting to see how this progresses.
| Anihyr Moonstar 9/1/12 . chapter 1
[...but he'd seen a number of them wondering around after everyone else had gone and collecting what rubbish they could.] Should be "wandering" not "wondering".
I like your MC, Samuel. He comes off as very relatable - an easy going, but down to earth and sensible guy who doesn't overreact and likes to see the reality of things, not the spiced up hubub of whatever other people are fussing about.
[Like a tear in jeans that slowly rips until finally fully giving away, the gap in the air suddenly burst open.] I think this is one of my favorite similes in the first chapter. Very crisp mental imagery; nice job.
By the end I really wonder what's going on, but it's an engaging prologue and I'm sure that's the point. :)
| Nanumi 7/10/12 . chapter 2
Loved this, it's so interesting. The characters are realistic and well-described, the settings leave a little to be desired in terms of detail but the character interaction is superb. Hope to see more of this!
| ruelariat 7/4/12 . chapter 1
Well, this story starts off rather interesting with the story of the emo kids hanging out at the park. I have the feeling that this story is set perhaps in the future or maybe it's just a twisted version of our current time. Either way, it's entertaining. I like the bits about the newspapers spreading propaganda about the emos. Every reader I've ever met is always interested in the misunderstood aspect of the story because they feel like they can relate to it.
I like how you explain Sam's job to catch cheaters, but perhaps you could smooth it out a little bit. I was a little confused about what his job was at first until I read the paragraph with "Miss Smith" in it. Also, the part about the rip in the air. I think it could use a little bit more description as to what it looks like and how these beings are coming through it. Are they falling? Are the walking through it? Is it a vertical or horizontal rip? Just add a few more sentences/adjectives to get the image across clearer and it'll be just right.
I'm liking how you're developing Sam's character. There's enough little background stories about the emos, his job, and his reaction to the rip that gives an idea as to what kind of a person he is; and I can't wait to see how you continue to develop this character.
The story is set up nicely overall. There's enough intrigue to keep the audience interested, and I like the fantasy aspect of it. I can't wait to see what happens next.
There are no spelling mistakes or really any awkward sentence structures. The only thing I can see is a lot of commas where semicolons, colons, em dashes, or periods could be used instead. Just use a larger variety of punctuation to make the reading flow better. For example:
"But they had all been in one place, getting to know each other and widening their network of friends on MySpace, Facebook's now almost forgotten predecessor." I would turn the comma after MySpace into an em dash.
There is nothing major wrong with this story, and it has a fairly good quality overall. I enjoyed it and it was a good read.
via the Roadhouse.
| CieloRayn 7/1/12 . chapter 1
Great start to the story ) there were a coupke minor mistakes liek you put had twice in one place and also "After checking the one containing liquid still wasn't leaking" should add to make sure, to this to make more sense. Other than that I thought it was good can't wait to read more ).
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu 7/1/12 . chapter 1
Well, now I know why you hated the new system. For me, it's down to what happened to the avatars plus the possible retardation on the stats traffic (Note that the second part should be seen as a figment of self-imagination unless proven otherwise). Anyway, this is a good piece of short first chapter from you. Firstly, I need to be blunt in saying that I'm not too sure how this story linked to Dark timeline wise. A lot of vital information went missing abruptly, so I think you might need to make an author's note on that count.
Secondly, it's interesting to see that Samuel could be seen as a quasi-hypocrite. On one hand, he has an idealistic streak for the best ending. Yet despite opting not to do the worst, he still had that thrill of being a voyeur so as to speak. Taking the higher moral ground by not publicly humiliating the target(s) shouldn't be an excuse, yet to me, that's what truly made him humane. He knew something shouldn't be that way with him, yet he couldn't fight it. Or perhaps it's either he's truly clueless or in denial. In this sense, I won't call him badass, but I can call him believably humane. In fact out of all the stories I've read so far in this site, only three characters comes to mind on this aspect: Dr Self Destruct's Eric Lynch, lookingwest's Hartwin and Samuel Bode himself. Unlike the former two, you've actually gone about utilizing the subtle effects of the society to make his fallacy...erm equally fallible lol. If Eric Lynch and Hartwin's intro effects are down an immediate shock impact, then Samuel's case would be the closest thing to real life parallel since we don't get to see things that clearly first person.
Which now comes to his far apparent haplessness towards whatever he saw along the way. Now when we use the term "the greatest evil", it's not down to acts or emotions. It's down to apathy. If I don't feel anything for a person, it means I don't care whether he lives or die, let alone trying to help him. Scary, huh? But to me, that's how humane cruelty is being hardwired. So imagine my relief that you can truly portray weakness as the justification of hope in this story. To me, it's truly an exact mirror on what it truly takes to invoke empathy. In fact, whenever Samuel ended up holding the bottle, his pain of failure might be the only way to shock all the other numbed idiots back into reality so as to speak. Way too often when we focused on results rather from what we've learnt, there are only two ways to go: Either I go numb or I go broken. I'd rather opt for the latter because if it's the former, that will only mean that I'm no different from El Diablo himself. On an interesting sidenote, I do have a love-hate relationship with media in general. On one hand, I know they can't be hundred percent truthful. Yet on the other, I enjoy getting kicks on debunking whatever I can debunk. Yes, I know I'm truly twisted and unfit to live as part of the greater society. :D
So here comes to final part: Now that's the one which looped me back into the focal question. Exactly when did this story take place in relation to Dark? My best guess will be during his search for the male Phoenix sibling (Hope I get the surname correct. My brain is starting to shut down due to lack of sleep).
| lookingwest 6/28/12 . chapter 2
I'm feeling that in this chapter, more than others I've read of yours writing-wise, there was a bit of an over-use of the word "had" and "that", that I don't think is necessarily needed in most places you have them. A few examples below:
"Get the hell out," Myat had continued...
Caylee watched as the man disappeared, then both she and her brother had gone into the girl's flat, sitting with her, talking to her until she had calmed down. ["had gone" could just be "went" here too]
Myat had happily agreed, and Caylee felt thankful that they had at least one human ally. ["that" could be omitted from this one, for instances]
I liked your first section and the introduction of Caylee and her brother Myat. I also really like the name Myat. Their descriptions were very intriguing and made me wonder what kind of Supe they might be, which I thought brought another instance of uniqueness to this story. I liked the update on the Gates that we get in the first chapter too. I think actually, that I'm just now starting to remember reading the short story this was based on - at least I think so... but yeah, I like that you take the Gate concept further and have it opening in different places around the world. Some great ideas here.
Oh, by the way, I like the title of this too.
Oh right! I totally remember this story now! xD I like how you've incorporated the short story into this with her losing her brother and then going to Sam about it. I thought you tied him in really well. I also thought the idea to slow this down is great too. The conversations and dialogue you've constructed have really brought this to a novel-concept that I look forward to reading more about!
| Vernelley 6/27/12 . chapter 2
It's good for Caylee and Myat that they can have *some* human allies; even if they're mostly junkies or neighbours like Gina. Well, Matthew Biggs or whatever he's called could sort of qualify as an ally as well, I suppose. He's not hostile toward the Gates, at least.
I think one of the interesting points raised in this chapter was that humans accuse the Gates of sticking to their own kind when in reality they do the same thing because of fear and uncertainty.
I actually was wondering how Samuel Bode would tie in from the prologue, but that was explained here in a very neat fashion, so I liked that. I'm curious how he'll be able to help Caylee find her brother.
| Vernelley 6/27/12 . chapter 1
I read this because you mentioned it was linked to Blend In, which I remember liking as I read it. So far it seems to touch a little on the same kind of themes - generalisation, stereotyping, fear leading to hostility and so on.
I do like how Samuel is characterised so far, though. Although it may not seem to be the most interesting job from his perspective, from a reader's perspective it's not the most mundane, humdrum job either.
This 'rip' is curious; maybe this is where the Gates come from and where they got their name? Or some other party and I've got things totally scrambled...
Anyway, it's a very intriguing start.
(P.S. And sorry for the super late return A)
| lookingwest 6/24/12 . chapter 1
Hello! I don't know if I've met Sam as a character in your fiction yet, but I like him. He seems sympathetic and like a protagonist with a good heart. I like how you set up the scene with the emo kids and stuff, it really shows how Sam acts and how he feels without telling the reader. I was wondering though, since I don't feel I'm familiar with him from your other stories, if there could be some clarification on his job situation. I kept going back and forth between a policeman and a private detective, but I wasn't sure - I feel there is a difference between those two things. But I like the little snippet about Cheaters too - again, showed instead of told. The rip thing was really interesting. I actually just started watching Dr. Who (9th doctor, and I've only seen like 3 episodes), and now I feel like Doctor Who is showing up all over the place after I watch it, ha! But anyway, the whole bit with the people falling through sounds really cool, it was a unique scene, unlike anything I've read before. I enjoyed the different descriptions of the creatures/people that fell through. I can't wait to see how Sam reacts to this kind of thing, but I"m glad he initially reacts with helping them - again, shows us his personality very tactfully!
| mingsquared 6/24/12 . chapter 1
Cardiff. When I saw that in the summary, it automatically reminded me of Torchwood.
The Prologue is nice. It definitely set the stage for something to happen in the next chapter. I do wonder what the girls have to do with the wolf people. And why are so many of them falling? I hope you can answer them soon.
Samuel for the most part just seems normal to me. From what I'm reading here and in the summary, his life isn't very exciting. But I'm pretty sure that's going to change soon.
This is a very interesting start. Great job!