And so David has found himself not only alone, but now...well, captured, it would seem. *tilts head* That's what it looks like anyways.

Anyways, nice chapter, Shibata. Even if there wasn't much happening, it's like a stepping stone towards the plot. c8 *poke, poke*

Ghost

Wow great chapter. I am really really impressed. I can tell a lot of research effort, sweat and blood went into that. What on earth has david become? I don't know whether he is good or bad anymore! Such gruesome gory scenes my stomach turned reading that lol. I am honestly lost and curious to know more about david. It was incredible. Great work I will patiently try to wait for the next chapter :-)

Now that I can actually review...

I find this to be an interesting chapter. So many mysteries and questions in mind, but I'm also wondering as to what David shall become due to that thing that can seemingly take control of his body whenever it wants.

Nothing seemed sloppy here, unless you were talking about the switching back and forth between worlds...which, also wasn't sloppy, in my opinion.

Good work, I look forward to the next chapter, Shibata. c:

Agggh I have no clue what is going on. Why is he bing called Snake? What is that voice he hears? who on earth is Anaheim? I have a million more questions on top of those but it will take all day and night to type them out lol. I love it, I have no clue what to expect. David seems like a good kid that unfortunately is trageted by the bullies. I know for a fact whatever he is, he is going to be kick ass at it and I for one will love watching the bullies squirm and watching David gain great confidence. Ps. I reckon he will be worthy enough plus more :) Please update soon.

I really think this has major potential. You used a variety of perfect words, especially the ones describing davids emotions. I could imagine everything and I could feel what he was feeling. I felt thirsty too after the description of the sweltering sun lol. I can't wait to read more of this. It is really good. What is happening to David I wonder? What on earth is that voice he hears?hmmmmmm :)

Dear Card,
Finally I've got around to read your story. And I can say it is AMAZING.
I just love the way you built up such excitement and tension in such few sentences. I especially enjoyed your cliffhanger ;)
(and the 'do you really want to know?' question was so sad and happy and frustrating in so so many ways).

The only thing I didn't like much at all, was the "nghh..." towards the end. No offence, but it really disturbed the flow your story had. Generally a story gets read easier if you use sentences like "he groaned" or something similiar. Though this was the only thing that bugged me ;D
Do keep writing on please. I love the message you tell through your stories.

Now that I'm done, I'll ask you the question that's been bugging me the whole time; where the hell are you on deviantart?

This is an interesting take on rewriting this. It's not as bad as you seem to think it is, honestly. There's just enough details, not too much, not too little. Just right.

I will admit, I'm a little confused that - in the summary - you say he "lives alone," but is a teen. But that's a minor detail that'll probably be explained. That, and we don't know exactly how old David is...

No grammar/spelling errors that I can see.

'Tis coming along good, Shibata, I'll be waiting to see what happens next. u

- Ghost.