|Reviews for Planned Parenthood|
| Legkicker 7/14/12 . chapter 13
I'm not exactly sure how I should respond to this. I can say that his is not 'about to fall off the AU cliff', it has already plummeted face first.
I know you tried to make this all believable, but no. Just no.
Let me start off by saying that unmarked islands (the size of which can hold a small community comfortably) are very hard to come by these days. Especially since it's only 4 hours off the coast of California. Barely in international waters, otherwise it's actually owned by the state. It takes a few days to get from California to Japan by ship, to give you a reference.
So the whole plot is now revealed. Which I can say is a hard road to travel down, you may pop a tire on all the 'plot' holes.
The teacher is a former US citizen who decided to kidnap babies because she is unable to conceive. She apparently learned this at the age of 14, and kidnapped a baby. So she flees from federal law and winds up on an uncharted island.
Either she does this alone, or with the half dozen people she works with, but she builds up a community fitted with housing, schooling, businesses, law, government, and for God's sake she even set up unemployment!
Where did she get the supplies? She couldn't possibly have gotten them from US companies, considering they'd have to ship it there. Once they realized how big of a community was rising, they'd surely alert authorities and the place would be condemned.
Oh, that's right, this Ms. Byrant has friends in law enforcement. How did they get jobs exactly? I guess the government never ran any background checks on them? Regardless, they wouldn't be the ones receiving the reports.
None of the locals know this is happening? How could that be? I don't know about you, but where I come from, a girl pregnant in high-school is all the talk around the area for a few weeks. In a community as small as this must be, 14 pregnant girls, all at the same time, would most likely create a buzz.
How come nobody knows the real Ms. Byrant? She was the one who did all this. And not to mention, if this boarding school doesn't exist, where do the kids go? I mean, Mason just upped and left the place with no questions asked!
The doctors operating on this island...they have a medical degree I assume? What college did they get that at? I have to ask again, where did their supplies come from? Medical supplies aren't something you just get without a background check. Otherwise, everybody would be running around with syringes filled with a lethal substance.
So how do they get the supplies? They call the manufactures and say, "Hey, we'd like to order some Diprivan, HyroMax, and Pentothal...yes? Just send it to this island off the coast...we'll pay you in rocks!"
Well, I guess they must use rocks as a currency, because they can't really use legal US tender like dollars and quarters.
Lastly, I can say I like your cliffhangers. But chapter 13 made me laugh and shake my head. There is almost (almost), no freaking way you could tell a baby resembled somebody else the MINUTE it was born. A few weeks at the earliest...only because eye color and hair. But that is hard to tell since you never developed your characters well enough.
I almost forgot, they sure do watch a lot of television huh? What company do they use? Because it's impossible not to have that company come in and set up the cable boxes and mail you bills. So Comcast, Dish, or DirectTV is either working alongside this Ms. Byrant or she made her own cable company...
Oh my with the texting too, because that phone company is also working with them! It appears the whole world is aiding Ms. Byrant! Send in Josh from the Infected, he'll clear that island out in no time...or better yet, Katniss.
Yes, I find it amusing you decided to add my name in the A/N. (Cough cough Legkicker cough cough) right? Are you saying that this puzzle is finally coming together, directing that towards me? Sorry, I got a puzzle with a missing piece...in fact, there's a lot of missing pieces. It's like the company only filled half the box.
Great reaction that Drake kid has to a pregnant woman breaking water.
"I'm going to go start the car, and cool it down," Drake said, walking out.
Really Drake? Really? It's like he's bored with this situation. Or, he's freaking out..."Oh no, the car might be mildly warm, and if that's true, then it'll kill everything!'
I'm just being nitpicky now, so I will end my review.
Don't worry about asking me to keep reading, there's no way I can stop now. This takes me back to being a kid, when I would write stories in school for an English assignment. I could make up the most ridiculous plot line in the world, but my friends and fellow students would think it was ingenious!
I also feel a love triangle forming in the story. God, I've read enough love triangles to build the Egyptian pyramids...
Signed with a steady hand,
- Legkicker (WR&F) Founder/CEO of LEGKICKER Enterprises INC. (non-profit org.)
| Legkicker 7/5/12 . chapter 5
Um...well. That is something...dat right der sure is sumpin...
I'm going to be completely and utterly honest in this review, which is quite out of character for me. Except lately I suppose...
Let me start off by saying this...I literally...no wait, let me restart...
After reading chapter 2-I think it was 2-I gave myself a pretty damn-good facepalm. I mean, it stung and without a doubt there was a red-mark the size of a dollar. Immediately after that I pinched the bridge of my nose and sat in the bright glare of my laptop screen for a good five-ten minutes...
I just left from reviewing after that last paragraph to refill my wine glass (which is actually sparkling apple juice, bottled by Kristian Regále, just delightful. Surprisingly, it's Swedish style...absolutely delicious little company they are. Not as commercial as Welches but not as good as somebody like Nature's Nectar, Martinelli's, or even sometimes Meiers).
Back on track, back on track!
I'm a bit speechless...I am a little without words you could say. I'll do a synopsis of what I read...
Alright, so a group of orphaned high-school girls, living on an island claimed to be US territory off the west border of California lying in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, are without parental guidance (obviously). They stay in a dorm room together (luckily enough considering they are only high-schoolers), and they all go to school together. (Sounds like that old show Zoey 101, who was hot btw.)
Their homeroom teacher one day decides that she will assign a project, first assuring that everybody vows to participate, and ultimately forces them into the life-changing world of pregnancy by injection.
Worse still to come, as the girls have no clue who their 'donators' are, and have to go through with the pregnancy or run the risk of expulsion.
Yes, that is exactly what I read.
What do I think of what I read? Well, to be honest, don't take this to heart!
Alright, so, the strange part about this is not that they are all orphans, but that they are all shipped to an island in the Pacific like cattle. I understand that making them orphans was a ploy to unsure that the parents could not revolt against this completely outrageous project assigned by a teacher who probably makes around $60,000 a year after taxes. But she is 'justified' in this because, I quote, "our island's population is quite small."
So the mayor, or whoever is running this backwards community, decides to impregnate a select number of about 14 high-school students? Well, I see either an assassination attempt in his near future or possibly him joining the witness protection agency.
But no! Hold on, that is what would happen in real life, not this story. In this story, the adults are actually on board with the idea. Well, who can blame them? They live on an island exiled from the rest of the US.
I guess that this must be a small community, considering that the Human Rights Agency decided not to step in. But then again, I do remember the teacher saying that it was them that agreed to this.
Personally, if I was thrown into such a situation, I would exit the room with both my middle-fingers elevated and my head shaking. Expel me if you want, I'm not participating in the freak-show.
You know what this reminds me of? Wrong Turn!
No wait, that was inbred cannibals. I'm thinking of Backwoods, which was about a weird cult in the middle of the woods that would capture female hikers and impregnate them. Good movie; the actors did alright, but I wouldn't have minded a sequel (which is still yet to come I hope). If you want, I have a link to the movie on YouTube, free.
Lily...Lily...Lily...Lily...I love you girl, but this was such a hard story to swallow that even my dog wouldn't eat it.
I think it's better off if you do just one thing...change this to an alternate universe! For God sake, if this was in the galaxy of Menesa or some random parallel universe it might be believable. I actually have a better idea, why not make this occur in the year of like 2432 after a nuclear apocalypse destroys 2/3 of the world population. Yes, then I can possibly see a corrupt mayor forcing out 14 newborns.
I know what you're thinking...old Legkicker is a real prick. How could he slap my face like that? I'm sorry Lilybug, I do not mean for you to grieve over my harsh words. I'm sorry that this review came when it did, five chapters in.
Go ahead, you can hate me now if you want, but I thought it would be wrong for me to not give you the truth. I feel horrible reading over what I just wrote, and I almost erased the whole thing just so I could write a small one liner review like, "good stuff, keep going."
Look, I'm not a good person, I'm not being modest when I say there are times I feel stupid and downright ignorant...arrogant. Sometimes I do the right thing, like trying to give a struggling author advice or writing a review for an unlucky soul who created an unread 100,000 word novel. But even then I'm still just an insecure narcissist at heart.
You don't deserve to be hurt by me, you're too nice. You're a talented girl with dreams of success, and you are as kind as you are passionate. If you think this review is reason to give up writing this story, you would both surprise and disappoint me.
Karma will catch up with me soon enough, you will see.
Signed with a shaky hand,
- Legkicker Insecure Narcissist w/ Hurtful Words.
| Legkicker 7/5/12 . chapter 2
Yes! I finally got around to reading chapter 1 and I am very glad that I did!
BE CLEAR THIS IS A REVIEW ON CHAPTER 1. (For some reason the site won't allow for multiple reviews of the same chapter). I have not yet read THIS chapter or any others aside from the first one.
Alright, let us begin with the 'critique' part of my review, shall we?
I find that your writing style is unique to you, and therefore I won't try and mold it into something else. Some of your sentence structures are odd, and the wording could be re-arranged and changed to make it flow better.
There are a few grammar mistakes and it needs to be proofread a bit more cautiously, but otherwise I am glad to see you know your way around writing!
Now, for my opinion of the story...
First off, the cliffhanger at the end of the chapter is superb and rakes in a 7.8 on my scale, out of 10.
Otherwise, you wrote the beginning similar to me, where I just toss out the character descriptions and names to get the ball rolling. Nothing wrong with that!
I like the main character, as I can relate that I am also quite cranky in the morning. I always joke with friends that I am not awake until AT LEAST 5th period.
The plot is also developing nicely, and I am definitely eager to find out more.
I like the length of the chapters, as I am looking for a 'bed-time' story that I can easily read before I turn in for the night.
Like I said, I am eager for more but don't want to ruin it all in one day!
Expect more reviews soon Lily!
Signed with a steady hand,
- Legkicker (WR&F) Founder/CEO of LEGKICKER Enterprises INC. (non-profit org.)
| Legkicker 7/4/12 . chapter 1
Interesting, I will have to give a more detailed review when I find the time.
Until then, keep writing because from what I can tell this is interesting already!
Keep in touch,