|Reviews for Verses of the Mourned|
| misguided mania 9/30/12 . chapter 4
I like that you ended on a quote, that was cool and different. I thought there were contradictions though. The soldiers sleep is described as blissful at first, then later we hear his ghost crying out which suggests a tormented state, and you mention him seeking vengeance. For that reason the content didn't flow well for me
| Small Wings Flying 8/26/12 . chapter 2
[Death regined beneath a blood red sky] – reigned, not regined – the pronunciation of those two is actually different so it took me a moment to get what you were talking about.
[The dead and the dieing turning to god all high] – dying, not dieing (although it sounds like that). And perhaps put “God” in capital.
[And a boy soilder asking himself why?] – that’s not a question, so no question mark at the end
[Is it true that life isn't fair.] – that’s a question so question mark at the end
[And looking at the mangled man lying at his feet.] – comma or ellipses or dash. Not fullstop.
[He falls down,into enemy fire,]- space between down and into.
One thing I didn’t like is the way you started this off, as if that’s an absolute function of death. Personally I think there’s a difference between killing and death; in this case, it could even be a mercy.
One thing I do like is the principle of fate that permeates the poem because that seems to become a major driving force in this sort of situation, something like the light at the end of the tunnel effect.
| Small Wings Flying 8/25/12 . chapter 1
I like the beginning because it really does come out as one of those recited verses, particularly with the rhymes. Unfortunately, you lose that integrity in the middle. While men and when do rhyme, they don't really match within the context of your poem so I don't like that particularly rhyme for that reason. [while the scent of lavender made his hopes high.] - this line is just too long to match into the rhythm. You should also be consistent with capitals. Either start every line with one or start every word after a fullstop with one. Don't do some one way and some the other. [His finall] - final has only one 'l'. I also like the image of the bee however I don't think it fits particularly well into the context. Flies would, but bees are attracted to honey and the "queen bee" image doesn't suit this. Not even Plath pulls this off. :)
| pproper13 7/12/12 . chapter 1
Very good! Not a lot of people are good at rhyming their words and making them flow with the poem. But, you did and excellant job of achieving the right amount of balance between flow, imagery, and rhyme.