When I read the summary I was intrigued straight away, being in a band myself. For the most part this chapter worked well, introducing the characters nicely, however I found the way you described Daniel to be a little clunky, it might be best to break it up into a couple of sentences rather than the one long one that you have here. I loved the fact that Kayla is from Birmingham, birthplace of the one and only Ozzy Osborne. As for the plot not really moving anywhere, in my opinion that's fine, setting the stage is an important part of writing a good story, and that's what you've begun to do here!

Hi there, thanks for the review! I am sorry for the late return but had a lot of school work.

Daniel said with increasing curiosity - just forgot a period here.

I think your goal of fleshing out the characters was achieved to a degree - maybe you could have them exchange some more dialogue to do so rather than by breaking it up to explain everything. I just felt like at times that interrupted the pacing. I don't find any problem with the plot moving slower or anything, but maybe if you dropped a few hints as to what this is actually about that would be good (such as their interest in music or some foreshadowing of events), it just feels a little aimless as of now. You do a good job of building a clear dynamic between Daniel and Kayla, and I also get the feeling that Jenna may be important later on as well - as a rival if nothing else.

When reading the summary, I figured this would just be like another clique wars book, which I have no problem with, but it seems like there's a book like that on every shelf. After reading the chapter it doesn't meet my original assumptions, it seems like a much more original idea. There were few to no errors from what I could see. I'll read more when I have time.

To be honest, I'm not a HUGE music guy, so I can't honestly give you my thoughts on that angle...BUT, you're using ACTUAL lyrics from REAL songs in this story? Isn't that against the guidelines to use lyrics of songs NOT in the public domain? Because, if you've been using these songs like that for this long into the story, you're...KINDA breakin' the guidelines and that could lead you into trouble.

Please, don't be upset, I don't want to cause trouble for ya, I just caught it and I'd hate for a fellow writer who put work into a project to possibly losing stuff or something for it.

Other than THAT (sorry!) it's...alright. Seems you did more detailed action stuff DURING the actual concert, yet it went back to one-line simple stuff around the end after it. And again, with characters (such as Jet) you bring 'em in and don't say SO much about them. I'm not asking for a life story in a single chapter, just paint us an image besides what he's wearing and a pair of sticks that just SO happen to be sticking out of his backpack.

Eh, not a BAD chapter, but it looks like, not counting the song bits, that a LOT of this is just one line's worth of stuff for each person. We have these people in school and everything, liking music, wanting to make a band to win stuff and everything, but it's moving fairly quickly. We know a few things about their school life, like how Kayla and Jenna aren't friends and everything, but what about the other friends?

These kids in school and everything, aren't they having other issues, like one could be having problems in one place or another, something like that? It's fairly simple and leaves things to be desired to make the characters more three dimensional.

OMG, ITS YELLOWCARD! YELLOWCARD!

Hehe, sorry, I like to goof around with some things here and there, hehe. Onto serious business!

I meant to ask this in the last review, but you said a girl character has "a typical anime voice". What does that mean, EXACTLY, because I'm an otaku myself and I've loved anime for years, I wasn't aware that there WAS a "typical anime voice".

I'm willing to bet that Kayla's out of reach guy is really Daniel. I've seen enough movies to predict it with a fair chance of being right XD Hope she takes down Jenna in some way though, I'm rooting for her!

Think we could get a description scene of her home or some kind of transition between the street travel and the building? Because one second we have them staring at the road and the next thing he's been watching TV?

Transitions help the readers see a new setting, because if you stick with one setting and suddenly add new details like "63 inch TV", it's like saying "They're walking down the road and all the while, Daniel's staring at a huge TV in front of him"

Another good one, but there's just one thing that bugs me.

"I can't be arsed to do anything" Isn't "arse" a way for people from the UK saying "ass"? I ask because I've heard it myself a few times.

It's alright if the first one doesn't do a lot besides introduce some characters and lay out the setting, I've seen it happen a few times myself in some books that I own. I'd say this is a good start to the story, got some interesting and believable people here!

Rock bands, ftw!

Ohmygosh. This sounds amazing. (
Looking forwardto more

I don't care for the way you open this chapter. My issue with it is in line with my biggest issues with parts of the last chapter - it's not engaging. High school is boring enough to live through 99.98 percent of the time, and thus if you're going to write about a highschool story, you've got to focus on only the parts that are actually exciting or you'll lose your audience's attention.

["Thank you for your services today. Feeding the poor is always a good endeavor," Kayla teased.] This is my favorite part of the first section. I think the "feeding the poor" line is the best snippet of dialogue you've had so far and it made me smile. It helps make Kayla come across as witty and fun.

And another teacher introduction. If these teachers are all crucial to the plot, I'd recommend introducing them in different ways that say something about them, not cut-and-paste "Hello, class, I'm your teacher for blah blah blah..." If the teachers *aren't* going to play roles later, I'd suggest cutting them for the most part and sticking with only the parts of the different kids' interactions with each other that are important.

- Moonstar, from RH

I like that your opening character, Daniel, doesn't immediately fall into any of the stereotyped "cliques" - it's nice to have a middle-ground character every once in a while. Hopefully he has enough character on his own to define himself and keep up that persona of someone different from the rest of the crowd, but still personable.

I'm a little put off by the amount of space spent on mediocre details like the specifics of character appearance (while character appearances can be important, brevity is key), the location of their lockers and what classes they have. They don't set the story apart or engage the reader in any way that drives the story forward. A test I like to run with myself is to read over my work reminding myself that every sentence is a possible point where the reader could get bored and drop the story if it doesn't interest them; thus, if it isn't critically important to telling the reader something - either making the plot progress, revealing something about the characters, or entertaining the reader with an interesting quirk - it's a good sentence to delete.

I see in your end note that you were intentionally focusing more on character development than plot progression - which is totally fine (I personally love characters over plot any day) - but I will say that it is totally possible to progress the plot *while* developing the characters at the same time. How characters interact as the plot unfolds is one of the best ways to hammer down who they are, and it makes it much more fun for the reader. :)

- Moonstar

Hellos from RH!

Hmm, I would suggest straying away from writing down the entire song lyric like how you did. If at all, you should write a one lyric line into a paragrahp describing how it felt to a certain character. For example, with "I was safe, in my fortress alone," you can write "Kayla swayed as the beats of the durms intensified, and the heart pumping voice of the male kissed her eardrums. I was safe (Have this line slanted since it's a lyric) he sung in perfect rythm, making her go aflutter. In my fortress along; (Again, have it slanted) Her mind couldn't get over how perfectly beautiful it was."

That would look better instead of just having the entire thing written out. :D

A lot of speaking in this chapter, and not enough description. Just add some detail to it and you'll be fine. :)

Ohhhhh, and i have a suggestion! :D At the talent show thingie, you should have them sing "Old time rock and roll" by Bob Seager, and have them perform it like Tom Cruise did in this one movie. If you have no ideal what i'm talking about, just youtube tom cruise old time rock and roll. :D

Hi from roadhouse!

This was a good chapter because we, the readers, got to see some of the personality of these teens/MC's. I'm going to predict that them going to the concert will get them pumped up to start thier own band, huh? :D Anywhos, i think it was cute when Daniel carried Kayla to his bed. :P

And for songs...hmm...well, what type of rock songs do you want? Like current hits, or classic? Psssssh, if it's classic, then just dive into the 80's where it was alllll about rock and roll.

This is an interesting opening. Daniel sounds like a nice person- a good main character that readers can relate to.

Specifics:

Hell has never been kinder' [Typo- should there be a comma here?]

I do think that you introduce/mention too many characters here. It's quite a lot to take in in a short space. it might help to avoid mentioning some of them until the next chapter.

Overall though this was a fun read, with writing that flows nicely and in a great fast pasted manner.

I like it! just work on making sure your sentences flow. other then that, keep up the good work ;)