|Reviews for Vampire Experiments|
| QueenofCheeseLand 7/10/12 . chapter 1
I apologize, but it was difficult to get through the first paragraph. I'm truly interested in the story, but you need more commas and (many) more indentations.
First, you need an indentation every time a new character speaks, as a general rule, and commas should be placed every time you list something. An example could be when you were describing Dalton's appearance; the colors of his eyes. There also needs to be a comma whenever someone is addressed by their name:
Original: "Tori you're one to talk" he sighed as his girl friend hung onto him; he was about 5'10 hazel eyes mixed of amber brown, crystal blue and jade green.
Edited: "Tori, you're one to talk," He sighed as his girlfriend hung onto him. He was about five foot ten, with eyes that seemed to be a medley of hazel, amber brown tones, crystal blue, and a unique jade green.
Also, when you're describing someone, adding more adjectives would be helpful. "Unique", meaning special or singular to someone, would be paired with a person who has "jade green" eyes, considering that it's rare to find someone with such concentrated irises.
I'd like to say that it's near impossible to find someone who has every iris color available to human. Even people with heterochromnia iridum (a condition in which a person has two different eye colors) only have TWO different eye colors, not four. I suggest either picking one, or giving him this condition, though you would still have to pick two. If you were looking to give him unique eyes, you could also go into great detail about their beauty or darkness, and they'd still turn out beautiful, even if they're only one color.
Another note of advice, you shouldn't have actual numbers in a story unless the character is reading something that had numbers in it. Example: "Dalton studied the sign, eyes widening as he realized it said, '666 Devil's Way.'"
Lastly, use a character's actual name between every two pronouns, unless you're intentionally keeping their name secret, or they have to be specified separately from another character, such as when you have two "he"s.
| Peridot-Alpha 7/5/12 . chapter 1
This is amazing