|Reviews for Running in a Fantasy|
| letsgetsomeshoes 3/22/13 . chapter 1
So good! Really liked the dialogue here! Please keep going!
Don't mean to be a total newbie but... Could I ask for a pronounciation guide for the names pleeeeeeeeease? I'm not familiar with Japanese names so I think it would help a lot _ Thx xoxoxox
| UniqueAnimeFreak 8/8/12 . chapter 1
Hello! I'm here to beta-read your story. The parts I copied from your story into my review will be in parenthesis, okay?
On this part: (I close my book, "Okay, okay."), it should be- I closed my book and said, "Okay, okay."
This line is kind of confusing: (Machi always was shorter than all the guys, but with his high voice and long hair, he dressed like a girl since the middle of middle school.) I think you should re-write it as: Machi always was shorter than all of the guys in our grade. With his high voice, his long hair, and his tendency to cross dress as a girl (started in the middle of middle school), everyone mistook him as a girl, especially people who don't know him.
("Whatever." Machi responds, then says, "Thanks for the food!" and starts engulfing his boxed lunch.) It should be "Whatever," Machi responded. "Thanks for the food!" He then started engulfing his boxed lunch.
(At least it wasn't history, although I am good at it, not science this morning.) I'm sorry, but that line just really confused me. Maybe it was the way it was worded?
(On my way our, I was stopped by a girl in my class.) I'm guessing "our" is supposed to be "out".
("Hi." she greeted with a smile that seemed sincere enough.) It should be "Hi," she greeted with a sincere smile.
("Yeah. And you're Rose Yuki, right?" I respond.) I've noticed that you seem to switch from present to past tense and back, so you should really pick one and make sure to try and write with it. So, knowing that, it should be "responded".
("Well...maybe you can go for the school newspaper." I recommended.) Since you ended with a verb (I recommended), you have to put a comma after newspaper. It would be different if you had said something like "Well... maybe you can go for the school newspaper." I ran my hands through my hair.
Interesting twist at the end! Well, other than those few things I caught and listed above and the swapping of the tenses, I say that this was a pretty good chapter. I would advise you to revise the chapter, keeping my advice in mind, and then it'll be better!
Hope I was helpful! Peace!