|Reviews for Clockwise|
| Small Wings Flying 7/23/12 . chapter 2
Ah, so that was a prologue. On an OT note, perhaps format the "Chapter 1" - skimming can get the eyes muddled up there. Just makes it stand out a little better you know.
One thing I don't like so much is the language of your narration. It comes out too formal, and the context implies a student which would suggest a more informal tone. It's a case of writing not coinciding with image, or something like that. Perhaps being a little less...uptight? with the narration. Making it looser, more relateable for readers of the same age.
I also find you seem to be overusing commas and that can get rather jarring in reading. It invites a dramatic pause in things that aren't really dramatic, basically creating stumbling blocks where the writing is expected to be fluid. Doesn't help with the readability.
Love your ending though. Dunno why.
| Small Wings Flying 7/23/12 . chapter 1
I like the detail you put into your imagery because it allows us as readers to get a "feel" of the setting as opposed to a simple "view", particularly as this is first person POV. It enhances the voice of the character/narrator and sets the scene in a good way…although nothing really happened this chapter. I’m a little doubtful about the length but it depends largely on the following chapter.
I don't like the wording of [The sky above was a deep shade of lavender, and the scent of pine hung in the air.] because it reads rather oddly in context. Somehow, the first part seems far more impartial than the second, more detached somehow. From that first phrase, I'd ruled out first person POV until bumping into a "my" on the next line. As this is first person narrative, perhaps making that sentence more personal.
You also seem to be overusing commas in some places, eg. [Around friends, at least.]
| Darkocastle7 7/14/12 . chapter 2
I like it! At first it was kind of hard to remember who was who and how they acted and stuff but then you get used to it. I like how they all connect with each other even Jesse.
| lookingwest 7/13/12 . chapter 1
Laughing silently... [Typo, this paragraph should be in its own detached paragraph]
Hmm, this did a good job with description, which I liked because I had a really good sense of the setting and something to ground me for I'm sure what will be several more chapters. That being said, I'm not sure that I liked the prologue as a whole because not much happened - there was no clincher ending for me that intrigued me to read further, it kind of felt like a snapshot of a picture/moment in someone's life and nothing quipped my curiosity since the setting and the situation is so familiar to me. I would've liked a more unique moment at the end to pull me into the story itself. That being said, I really enjoyed the imagery of the "looming pines" - probably my favorite. And I liked the opening lines. I'd be curious to see how this does eventually unfold into a Thriller - perhaps the campers become hunted? Etc. With a cast of 12 there will be plenty to kill off! - I joke, xD. Anyway, see you around and thanks for the read!