|Reviews for Butter on a Summer Day|
| ruleofthumb 12/7/12 . chapter 1
Oh. My. God. That was AMAZING. It was so moving. Wow.
| this wild abyss 8/8/12 . chapter 1
One thing that tends to make this sort of second person stream of consciousness style not work, especially if the content is angsty, is the feeling that the narrater is just off in his own lala land and not actually remembering that he's addressing someone. There's a disconnection. However, I didn't feel that with this piece, as your narrator is very in the moment, very direct, and I did get a connection.
I was also a fan of your diction here, as I think it lends a lot to the overall atmosphere of the piece, short as it is.
| Highway Unicorn 8/7/12 . chapter 1
The first sentence alone caught my attention and promised a good read. "We had planned to commit suicide together when we were fifteen years old." That automatically sets the tone, this tone of hurt, sorrow, and obviously some form of young love. It also hints that something went astray, and as I continued on, they obviously differed on views over this little plan as time went on.
It also seemed like Jer was hesitant on commting suicide, since she wanted to 'fix' the speaker from his/her 'sickness' and find a way through that 'shell'.
"That perfect intersection came, but you never did." It makes me wonder if something happened between the two of them, as in if they broke up and she moved on towards 'the boy downtown.' And it makes me wonder when exactly that all went down and how long the speaker has been waiting for that day at the train tracks.
Even though this was a short piece, you managed to create something beautiful. It was a lovely read :D
| goudacheese 7/22/12 . chapter 1
Oh :( This is heartbreaking, just. so poignant, though, and I love the style that you've written it in. Kind of artsy and vague and it's just beautiful overall, the way the reader is able to figure out what's going on throughout the story. I kind of like how we don't know all the background information, everything about the narrator, because it just - makes it even more touching somehow, I don't know. I just love this line - "The train gave a low, mournful whistle, the sound a broken heart would make if it did anything but beat ache throb pulse break" - it hurts, but in the best way, you know?
This was beautiful; great job :*
| misguided mania 7/20/12 . chapter 1
Heartbreaking but beautifully written. It reminded me of the film Inception because of the scene when they're on the rail tracks & because only the girl dies even though, while I was reading I felt like it was a boy speaking. Great job
| CieloRayn 7/19/12 . chapter 1
Wow, this made me cry (. This was so sad and heartbreaking. I don't know what to say other than that lol. Would love for you to review one of my stories though I'm not sure if they will be your kind of story.
| Aletiah 7/17/12 . chapter 1
This was so sad. Heart breaking :( Since I love slash, I think they both are boys. Great job!
| Small Wings Flying 7/15/12 . chapter 1
I find it rather odd that you've got [I waited] in bold and centred, like people do with their titles, and yet it doesn't correspond to the title in the title/summary box thing. It's a stylistic thing, but that implies that it's a chapter/drabble title and there's more to it. Re-reading it though, it works well as the first line of this drabble more so than a title, so perhaps have the actual title in bold and centred and left justify the [I waited].
I like the narration of this. Like your other reviewer said, it is quite artsy and not particularly clear in its metaphor, but it seems more attractive as a drabble this way. It shows off a unique view of heartbreak and relationships and that kind of thing.
Your structure drags a little, ie. your sentence structures (in some instances) for one thing. Eg. [The dirt stirred inside the worn soles of my sneakers, inside my worn soul and my broken heart.] - the "and" just kills it. The inside repetition is good though; you could have written inside my broken heart...or perhaps inferred broken you know.
Ohana from the review marathon (link in profile)
| 64312 7/15/12 . chapter 1
This was devastating.
What a bitter paradox.
| Cookme25 7/13/12 . chapter 1
That was such a sad one. It was also very powerful. I liked how the narrator was determined and even in his final moments, he never gave up hope. You did a really great job.
| S.H. Marr 7/11/12 . chapter 1
I think this could be a bit longer and more explanatory. It's kind of artsy right now and while the guessing thing is a nice style to have sometimes, I find it works best when, even though it isn't stated flat out, you know what's going on. In this, I'm not sure if the narrator is physically sick, or just has some mental issues or what. I don't know why the narrator couldn't wait...things like that. Some of them could probably be kept out, but I think it would be better if some of them were included.
| Rogue Energizer Bunny 7/11/12 . chapter 1
I'm in a really fucky mood too. I LOVE YOU, okay?
I think this one's too beautiful to critique.