|Reviews for Heir of the North Throne|
| 1012015 11/27/12 . chapter 7
the plot twist you added with gevanni being an exorcist was so unexpected it fits perfectly and intrigues the reader to the point of wanting more, also your use of narration is extremely better than before. the cliff hanger adds a nice touch but try and use it sparingly for i can get very tiresome, but if you use it right it will end up getting more people to keep reading
| jato 11/26/12 . chapter 1
i think this story is extremely good but you should add more subtle hints of whats to come without saying exactly what or when it makes for an addicting story. also you should give kieran a more defining factor that comes to mind when you think of them. ex; Naruto's rasengan and Edward elric's robot bits
| jato 11/26/12 . chapter 1
i think this story is really good and the characters are really intriguing but a good way to develop them would be to ad hits to whats coming next and you should plan out what the next couple chapters are going to be like at a time or make hints that most people wouldn't pick upon when they read it but if they read more they will realize it and it makes them look forward to more surprises in the feature which will keep them being loyal fans. also kieran is an extremely interesting character but he needs more things defining about him: ex naruto and his rasengan, edward elric having robot bits etc.
| cepheus42 11/26/12 . chapter 1
the story begins in Chapter 2. Everything before that is entirely needless and useless to the author's story. You should never need to explain a world setting to your readers, it should come out in the story details over time. Ditch EVERYTHING prior to the first page of Chapter 2 and find ways to work it into little details throughout the rest of the book. Dialogue... things the character sees... so on.
| headstory 11/26/12 . chapter 1
I'm basing this comment just on the first chapter so far. I might go on to read the rest later, but for now, this is my first impression:
I really like the dreamy quality of the writing. It's vague, but that captures the surrealism of the situation well. It flows nicely, but that makes the end all the more jarring: one moment, the character is thinking they are going to die, the next they are introducing themselves very abruptly by throwing a bunch of terms around the reader has no way of understanding yet. To me, it would make more sense if they were thinking about if they would end up in oblivion first, and then the image from the past is brought back: that makes it seem more like they just remembered who they were and are then sharing that with the reader, which is what I think you were going for.
Some general pointers:
Read your work aloud once you've finished typing. This will help you notice if there are any errors and improve the flow of the writing: maybe you can identify better punctuation marks to use based on how it is said. For example, instead of 'I am taken back. Taken back...,' it sounds better to write "I am taken back — back..." or "taken back: back..." The sentence is continuous rather than separate.
You used '' marks both for emphasising words, ('them'), and for the character speaking out loud ('How the hell did this happen?'). Use "" marks for speech so the two aren't confused.
Avoid repetition. ('an image flickered... it brought back an image', 'a light shined from my hand... the bright light began to take over my hand'). You can describe the light growing brighter and avoid a second reference to the hand entirely. Also, it should be shone, not shined.
You imply thought by using italics, so you do not need to state 'I thought' afterwards.
There's no need to include non-story-related information in the chapter itself. I understand you just want to relate to your readers and communicate with them, but it's off-putting to new readers of the story and unnecessary. For example, you preface chapter 2 with this: "This chapter will explain some of the things that might not make sense in the next few chapters, so I'll just explain it all here in this chapter. This might be a bit boring, but I advise that you still read on until the end or the chapter." The reader doesn't need to know that. Let your writing do the talking. Personally, I would remove all extra author commentary from the chapters themselves and put them under Author's Notes if you still want to include them somewhere.
I would recommend proof-reading your work once each chapter is complete just to make sure you avoid making errors. I skipped ahead to chapter 5 and saw this: "I thought you might care to know." "You knew wrong." 'Knew wrong'? Surely it should be 'thought wrong'.
Overall, it's an intriguing premise and I do want to read more. Keep it up :)
| Guest 11/19/12 . chapter 1
Interesting start. I like the details, the vague sense of not quite knowing what's going on. I was hooked... right up until you said:
"The name is Keiran, and I'm a member of Reapers of Europe..."
Now you're telling me instead of showing me and I quickly lose interest in the story. A person does not stop doing what they are doing to think to themselves, "hey, this is my name, and this is what I do." They just keep doing it, and we learn, in time, those sweet, delicious little details as they are teased out.
| Itinerant 11/19/12 . chapter 1
It's a good start, but it's flawed. The general tone sounds like you're trying way too hard. My advice is to rewrite it quickly without editing (until afterward), and see what you come up with. Then, compare the two versions, and make changes where necessary. If you edit as you go, it really interrupts the flow of the story, and the whole thing becomes difficult to read.
It may seem like a pointless exercise, but writing well is all about repetition. About the vagueness: I know you're trying to intrigue the reader, but it's just confusing and not fun to read. This may sound harsh, but it sounds as though you wrote out this section and then went through it with a thesaurus, randomly swapping words for more interesting ones, without re-reading to see if it made any sense. Just know that good fiction doesn't have to be full of big words.
| Guest 11/19/12 . chapter 5
i think keegans intentions are to help his master and get the job done through is a very interesting character that can either be mysterious or straightforward without much trouble but you really need to decide which soon because it will be vital to his charachter in the later parts of the story
| htaot 11/19/12 . chapter 5
keegan just wants to help his master from what I've seen and should either be more mysterious or more straight forward but he is a great and interesting character. you should really narrate his thoughts to make it 1st person because it's confusing to switch from 1st person keiran to 3rd person without a specific narrator.
| rri 11/19/12 . chapter 7
if you really want to make it better you can either only do time changes or switch between people in 1st person because you keep doing both 3rd and 1st person views in diffrent areas of the writing
| jaigee 11/17/12 . chapter 1
cool story :)
| Erica 11/15/12 . chapter 1
Hey!;) thanks for the picture today!:) i cant read all the story today but i'll get to it eventually... but so far its really good!:)
| BrotherDan 9/29/12 . chapter 8
Nice chapter. I give it a 7 maybe
| Xylie 9/29/12 . chapter 8
I'm not exactly a "good sir" . . . nor Jacob! I'm not a guy (smirks). My name's Xylie, pronounced Zy-lee . . . Yeah, almost everyone gets it wrong. I'm not sure if I should be offended or weirded out by the fact that I was mistaken for a male . . . since . . . that . . . never happened. Oh well.
Anyways, no, I don't have a clue to who Evans Gevanni is . . . I'm just not good with guessing and all that.
Out of 10 . . . hmm, I would say about 8 point five or 9.
Damn, he's twelve? I thought . . . he'd be twenty or something . . . in the body of a fifteen year old. He just talks way too mature for his age! I'm eleven . . . and I don't even come close to his creepy wording.
I'm guessing Nico really isn't right in the head. Was he dropped a lot when he was a baby?
| Xylie 9/28/12 . chapter 7
I believe that this story has a very enigmatic, mysterious feel to it that makes it very appealing to me. There are still a lot of questions busting my head right now, so...
To Nico: Are you similar to Keiran in personality and looks, or are you way different? I mean, Keiran obviously doesn't have a good dose of humor and liveliness...
Keiran: How old are you, really? I'm pretty sure you're still a kid, right?
To both: Ever had a crush on somebody? (No, I'm not joking. I am 110% serious. I keep imagining some hilarious scenes right now.)