|Reviews for Berenice: The Lost Queen|
| AlysonSerenaStone 3/22/13 . chapter 6
Quite a twist there at the end. Nice work!
| Sahara5 3/5/13 . chapter 5
The premise of the story is intriguing, and you write it well. My main concern is with the point of view. Present tense is hard and gets easily garbled. You had some troubles in Chapter 3 with it. Some of the early parts seemed like a diary entry instead of present tense.
I also wish there was a bit more location description. If someone didn't have an idea of what an ancient Egyptian palace looked like they wouldn't know where this story was taking place. You don't need much, just enough to give some context.
I like the characters you've created so far.
All in all, good work.
I have a historical piece of my own. Well...it's about a girl from the future that gets sent back in time to the Victorian era. You might like it. It's called The Heir.
| TS Conlon 3/5/13 . chapter 5
This was good in some parts, fair in others. There was no poetry, and little description, and the flow is choppy in places. This improved in chapters four and five, but it wasn’t fully rectified. I want to hear more about Egypt. I want to feel the hot winds on my face and the stone tiles of the palace warm and scratchy against my bare feet.
I found the speech to be unconvincing because it was overly formal speech and had a lack of contractions. To clarify, I don’t mean for you to rewrite this with popular slang. The characters started feeling more human in the last three chapters, especially four and five.
-"It is Father!" she squeals, gleefully.
The “F” in “Father” should be lower cased. This occurs throughout all five chapters.
-"Cleopatra," I ask, "where are Tryphaena and Arsinoe? Should they not be here for our father's return?"
Berenice has not “asked” anything yet. Consider changing that.
-She does not yet view me as a threat, even though I am next in line for the throne. My sister, Cleopatra, will certainly be her first target, all because she is father's favorite.
It was made clear in chapter 2 that Cleopatra is heir apparent. THAT is why she’d be targeted first.
-He looks at me, startled. "Is it not unusual for a father to want to dine with his beloved daughters?"
This should be “Is it unusual…” The negative “not” denotes that even the pharaoh finds this strange. Is that why he's startled?
-Pythagoras shakes his head, his eyes pointed downward. "I know not, my Lord. She did not specify.”
“My lord” would never be used to speak to a king (or a pharaoh, for that matter). Try another honorific such as “Your Grace”, “Your Majesty” or “Your Excellency.”
-Suddenly, I hear fast paced thumps followed by hollers and wails. I sounded like an attack within the castle walls.
“IT” sounded like an attack within the castle walls.
-For a stiff moment, Father and I look into each other's eyes. He then brings his fingers to his lips and blows me a kiss.
Again, “Father” should be “father.” Also, did they have “blown kisses” in 50 BC Egypt?
The dialogue was much better in this chapter. Longer sentences and commas make it seem like the characters are talking to one another, and I’m starting to hear more concern and life from them. I also like the inclusion of “co-ruling” which happened often in Egypt.
-Three months pass by since Father was forced into exile.
Try “It has been three months since father was exiled.”
-"It is Pythagoras, Your Majesty," he answers. "May I come in?"
A princess is never referred as “Your Majesty.” That is reserved for kings and queens. “Your Highness” or “My Lady” would be proper. This mistake occurs four times in this chapter.
-It became clearer to me that Cleopatra is in more danger than any of us.
Berenice knew about this since chapter 2 or 3. Perhaps she could realize that her fears or suspicions had been confirmed?
-I look into Pythagoras’s eyes and he briefly nods.
Firstly, this is a split infinitive. Secondly, how does one “nod briefly”? He can give a firm or terse nod.
-"Queen Trypheana wishes you presence," he informs as he rises up from his bow.
Wishes “your” presence.
Final Thoughts: It is an interesting concept and you've done a fair job of recreating this world. The characters seem one dimensional, though and the dialogue and lack of description didn't make me feel like I was in Egypt with these characters. I believe the potential is there.
| Hushed Dreamer 2/5/13 . chapter 1
The plot sounds interesting, and I don't really see any mistakes in this first chapter though I think this it too short to be considered a first chapter. Also there doesn't seem to be anything really going on here in the beginning, which actually makes it hard for somebody to get into the story and continue on to the next chapter.
| AlysonSerenaStone 1/14/13 . chapter 5
Nice job! Keep it up!
| Krystal Watters 1/7/13 . chapter 2
Why does her father not believe that she is strong? Ah... never mind...
What a catastrophic flaw for your character... and the plot thickens :)
| Krystal Watters 12/1/12 . chapter 1
"it is I" - I know that it's proper grammar, but is it appropriate for a conversation between sisters?
"Both of my brothers are two young" - two vs too
A good start, but I feel that the characters can be a little more vibrant, even in the first chapter.
| AlysonSerenaStone 11/12/12 . chapter 3
This is a really good start
| TellNoLies 10/6/12 . chapter 3
Honey bunches you should seriously consider a career as a writer because that was amazing
| Kara Wright 8/21/12 . chapter 2
What a well written start! There are so many books about cleopatra that its nice to have a different perspective, especially when berenice had an interesting life away from her sister. If u havent already id recommend checking out The Memoirs of Cleopatra by margaret george, as it covers the queens relationship with berenice.
I also like how you subtely establish Berenices subdued character straight from the beginning and contrast it with the sweet cleopatra and the harsher sister. Only thing i would comment on (and i am completely guilty of this in my own book - so easy done when you get into it!) is the first chapter is quite talky, less action which may be a brill chapt2 but maybe not as gripping as chap1 should be? Looking forward to reading the rest of your story!
| Perfectenpointe 7/19/12 . chapter 1
I have a soft spot for Historical fiction, so that genre is where I'm rather picky when I choose what to read. I can honestly say you have caught my interest and I'll be looking forward to reading more.