|Reviews for To Save the World|
| Ed Harley 8/11/12 . chapter 3
Another sharp chapter. All about realizing that a hero is a flawed human being. I like the feel of this world- in between hard sci-fi and fantasy. Great description:it’s easy to picture what you describe.
| Ed Harley 8/1/12 . chapter 2
Sharp chapter, great dialog.
| radred 7/30/12 . chapter 3
Your prose is great, you create a rich setting, the characters are intriguing.
i look forwards to seeing more.
Although, in saying that, i feel as if chapter 2 could be reworked somewhat to give it better flow. It just isn't as strong as the other two.
| radred 7/29/12 . chapter 1
nice chapter. although there are things that should be changed. (keep in mind that some are just suggestions, whilst others are more definite issues.)
"From the top of the world, or what seemed like it in the rather confined walls of the lonely skyscraper he rarely ventured from, the Peacelord gazed up into the nuclear radiance of the sun"
the aside between the parenthetical commas is possibly too long. it sounds weird.
"He knew it was not good to do so, and at first his eyes had stung and watered and begged for diversion, but now they settled into a kind of comfortable gaze as though they had developed a callus in much the same way well-worked fingers might."
maybe change the first comma into a period (and omit the and) or do the same with the second comma.
"All that he strived for was based on the ideal that humanity was not necessarily perfectible, but capable of reason and compassion."
i'd write it as "...the idea that humanity, whilst not necessarily perfectible, was [at least?] capable of reason and compassion."
(the at least is optional)
"...a rather large one although not frighteningly so."
there should be a comma after although.
"The man behind the voice slowly came into clarity. As the face slowly emerged..."
repetition of slowly sounds wrong.
"Craggy more by wear than age, with a single small scar just to the left of his chin. It was the Warlord."
you may want to rethink this sentence.
"The face was craggy more by wear than age, with a single small scar just to the left of the chin."
"The Warlord's face was craggy more by wear than age..."
something like that?
"Naturally the details have become somewhat embellished, as is true of all leaders.:
should be a comma after Naturally (and possibly semicolon instead of comma. although there are already two in this chapter and you want t0 avoid using too many semicolons)
"Contrastingly, your background has long eluded me, and as far as our intelligence is concerned you simply materialized into existence some years ago."
is contrastingly even a word?
'In contrast,' could work better
"Unfortunately those people did not include the ones you set to watch over the airwaves."
comma after unfortunately
""Not particularly," the Peacelord answered, waving his hand dismissively. "If it does it is only because I've had so many such places shut down they all kind of become nothing more than a blur.""
ooooh, nice character developement.
"My success I suspect was due to the fact that never have I asked for anyone to trust me, I have merely asked for them not to trust you."
commas after success and suspect.
"His head rose then, and he closed his eyes and leaned it back, basking in the warm embrace of the sun above."
i think just 'leaned back' would read better.
"I assure you, the feeble body of mind hasn't the means to resist."
is this intentional?
should it read 'this feeble body', or do you mean to imply that he has 'the feeble body of someone with a great mind but no physical prowess?'
This is an excellent introductory chapter. i really liked it. You've created two very interesting characters and set the context with some great dialogue, keep it up.
| Ed Harley 7/26/12 . chapter 1
You make the conversation so interesting that I barely noticed I was learning all about this world you’ve created. I doubt you’ll need to curse too many existences.
| Macleod93 7/26/12 . chapter 1
Pretty decent start, be interested to read more!
I think you could try a little bit more proof-reading, just to stamp out some of those syntactical mistakes.
I really like the concept of the war and the two opposing factions, and you write very well! Particularly like the last few para's.
Will look to any further stories with interest!