|Reviews for No Shirt No Shoes More Sex|
| Rogue Energizer Bunny 7/31/12 . chapter 1
I am looking for PORN. Is this PORN?
I'm kinda lonely right now, so I'm in hardcore review-spam mode. HERRO TO MY NEW BEST FRIEND. *glomp*
Okay. Okay. I'm focused.
Characters seem good from the first scene. Pacing's good. I'm curious as to how the characters look, since I'm not entirely certain what "chic glasses" look like, and for some reason I have the mental picture of this bitchy girl I used to know. She was like, tallish and had long dirty hair and wore these weird, squat glasses that made her heavily-lined eyes look all glassy and unfocused. Or maybe they were. I really hope your main character doesn't look like that. I don't know why. You know when one random part of your brain gets stuck with something else and won't unstick?
Anyway. I guess I'm trying to say that if you only say your MC has glasses, readers will fill in the rest from there, and then they picture some ugly-main-character-ass. Unless that's what you're going for, in which case... more power to you?
You misspelled "genius". Niiice.
DAW. I get pretty annoyed with BULLYING scenes, but something about the nonsensicalness (NEW WORD FTW) of this one really works. I guess it's that he's so naive about it, and doesn't unnerstand what's goin on. I'm disappointed that he gets rescued so soon, though. Couldn't you make him suffer a bit more? Just pass it on through narrative summary that things keep happening, and then tuck in another scene, and yay!
I usually don't give constructive criticism when I'm in hyper mode. Eh. Whatever.
" 'No,' I respond truthfully. 'I'm used to it. But...' I purse my lips. 'Dimitri doing it to me... It hurts.' " Ah, that's better. I gets it.
"Just please don't forget me completely. Not again." UMWUT? So I kind of understand what you're going for, but I don't know that it works with his POV as just a few sentences. Maybe it'll be okay. I find the quick POV change a bit jarring, though.
His anger is nicely justified near the end. I think having him run into Dimitri needed a bit more development, since it just takes a sideshow to Carpenter. If you'd expand that part a bit, it'd fit in better with the story, and seem less like an afterthought.
I've enjoyed it. Are you continuing? Maybe I'll come back later.