|Reviews for Her Azure Eyes|
| HerAzureEyes 10/8/12 . chapter 1
I typically don't want to reply to comments or anything like that, because I don't want to dissuade anyone from giving their critique, as I do highly value it.
And I value yours as well. I see your points as far as the transitioning and detailing goes. However, I do need to say something about your thoughts on the "direction" of the story.
It's not a "fusion" with Final Fantasy. I wasn't aiming for a "Final Fantasy" direction. It wasn't a Norse reference. These are all things you've assumed through the prologue without it being explained.
Raziel is just a name. His name has no relevance to the story. You were right though, about there being a religious aspect - just not in the way you were thinking.
As for it feeling like Final Fantasy, that may be the case, as I'm inspired by a lot of those fantasy-type games and settings. But there is no direct relation to it, nor do I intend it to be. It's my story, not FF's. Perhaps if I tighten and strengthen my writing, I will be able to pull away from that parallel a little more.
Just had to clarify that. Other than that, I truly appreciate the feedback. It will go towards making this story better when I get the time to rewrite.
| AT 8/21/12 . chapter 1
I'm confused a bit. Is this a fusion with final fantasy?
First, I thought it was going in the Norse mythology direction, with some kind of religious thing too- because of Raziel's name. But then the second half went in the FF direction.
Also if the filled out some of the individual paragraphs more, at the moment the story seems to jump from scene to scene instead of flowing.
Since its the prologue, setting the scene of destruction more and then also more details on the ship- the bleakness, smells, how the passengers interact with each other- weary etc.
I really like the line "The world will work itself out, one way or another. It always does". At the moment Raziel seems still quite hopeful also maybe a sense that he believes in destiny/circle of life-which could play into the religion of the world.
Finally, maybe when he wakes up in his room, something like "with lurch the boat rocked, and Raziels eyes snapped open"
Then you go to the first chapter. Only because at the moment it feels like a prologue and first chapter combined, especially due to the fight sequence.
But thats all from me :D
Keep up the creative juices!
| VeraSilver 8/13/12 . chapter 1
Right. I thoroughly enjoyed what I've read of this so far, which is half the prologue. So anything I mention which you have addressed by the end of the prologue, just ignore it. The chapters seem quite long- which is great. I will continue reading it a bit later.
For now though, there are a few errors I noticed which prevent it being perfect. They are just my opinion of course. I have listed them:
-Instead, he found only the image of Valha
(he saw only)
- The world became drained and the energy that could not be utilized were tossed away,
(This sentence could be explained better. What is the energy?
-he wondered about what the future had in store for him.
(You don't need the word 'about')
- He got up, and clenching his sword that lay resting at his bedside,
(he's either clenching it OR it's resting at his bedside. It can't be both. I reckon: He got up and grabbed his sword from beside his bedside)
- as it the entire deck was plagued
(You don't need the word 'it')
- "You've saved us twice now sir. I can never repay you!" He said, choking up between words.
(you don't need a capital h in he)
-"Just hurry and get out of here. Now!" He ordered.
(you don't need a capital h in he)
- the boat was almost turned over as something rose from the water causing the family to fall down.
(I think you use the word 'as' a bit too much. It's just my opinion. See my blogpost about usage of the word 'as' : 2012/08/12/as-vs-and/)
-He looked up to see the most horrific monster he's ever seen
(He'd ever seen)
They are just minor mistakes, but you should read through very carefully before posting, as mistakes like these do stick out.
But onto the story. I liked the opening. It wasn't overly dramatic, just quite descriptive and mellow in its description of a country torn apart. I like that it starts with Raz leaving on a boat, at the start of a journey. One thing that would MAYBE be a nice addition, is say where they are heading, and more importantly, what Raz hopes to find there.
I want to know a little bit about what Raz actually wants as the story begins. It will give him a bit of character, even if it's just something simple like looking for work as a something-something. Just give him a bit more direction than "I'm going to see what the future holds."
However, mostly the language is very nice. The fighting descriptions and that of the city and family are great. It is not too much, not too little. This kind of approach to prose, where you are not in any way confusing your reader, just writing things as they are, with a fair few vivid descriptions: it shows great talent. Do not stray from this style of prose. It's really awesome. Keep it up and you will have yourself a book.
I will continue to read this :)