|Reviews for Call of the Pack|
| Avery Belle Ware 2/7/13 . chapter 3
Wow she took that pretty well. Not that well but pretty well! It just keeps getting better each chapter!
| Avery Belle Ware 2/7/13 . chapter 2
I wonder if the house id really on fire. It seems like something her parents would do!
| Alaeryel 8/9/12 . chapter 3
OMG this again was brilliant-brilliant story, brilliant writing and amazing humor! I consider myself having a way out there imagination but you my dear are one in a million! ABSOLUTELY EXCEPTIONAL!1
| Alaeryel 8/9/12 . chapter 2
Very very interesting-I really love her parents though it seems their roles are reversed and it has caught my curiosity as to what is going to happen here with the story. I am thoroughly enjoying this one as well-couldn't help but laugh my ass off at her father getting the police involved and her mother impersonating an officer-this is one great imagination in a story and quite unique!
| Miles Montgomery 8/9/12 . chapter 3
It looks like you've expanded upon this a little. I must say it works. Keep up the good work :)
| FixedUrFic 8/8/12 . chapter 2
There are several critical issues here that you might want to consider. (Don't freak out. This is meant to help.)
First off, your beginning is severely lacking. The "Hi, my name is X and this is the plot" intro is terribly cliche, and not particularly strong. It "tells" rather than "shows." Rather than making the revelation of your protagonist's parentage a flashback, why not spend a few chapters introducing her and the parents first. That way you have more room to "show" that mom and dad are oddballs through their daily behavior, rather than having Niku tell us that they are because of past events.
Next, what does Niku look like? What do her parents look like? What does her house look like? Where does she live? You've skimped on description to the point where it seems like the whole story is taking place on a giant white backdrop. You don't need to describe every little detail, but the reader should be able to get a sense of your setting. Furthermore, what was Niku's life like before she knew the truth? You need to show the reader how she was before the revelation, or else the gravity of the change will not come through.
Also, after her parents told her, you cut right to the next morning with no indication that Niku has questioned her parents at all about their origins. If someone in real life found out that their guardians were aliens, they would probably have a boatload of questions. And, given that they took the time to reveal the truth in the first place, wouldn't her parents want her to know about where they came from?
Finally, your use of italicized lines of thought are not terribly effective. You keep putting them right after your dialogue, and the transition is odd. Lines of thought tend to read the same as dialogue, plus you're using the first person perspective, so it feels redundant. Maybe just write those feelings normally like so:
1) "Well, you know how every year the family gets together to celebrate? Well, they're not really our relatives."
That wasn't too bad; I had expected worse.
2) "Not just them, but me and your Mama as well, we're both wolves."
I rolled my eyes and sighed in exasperation. They always pulled stunts like this, and I wasn't going to fall for it this time.
3) My mother just laughed. "Of course he needs bags. He's moving in with us!"
I dearly hoped that she was joking, but the unabashed sincerity in her eyes gave me a sinking feeling.
Try to keep things like this in mind when you continue, and don't let criticism get you down. These things are entirely fixable; getting a handle on them will only make you better. Good luck and happy writing. :)
| Astasia C. Senclaire 8/8/12 . chapter 2
You have great potential in writing. I think you need to make yourself clear. I could barely get through the first or so paragraphs before giving up on figuring out what they were. Is she human? Or is she a wolf? You know she can't be both... Can you clarify for future readers?
| Miles Montgomery 8/8/12 . chapter 2
Not bad, actually. A little weird but interesting. Post more soon.