|Reviews for The Myriad|
| rainbowsandglitter13 8/24/12 . chapter 4
I really like this chapter. First, we're* shown Charlotte's feelings about travelling with a bunch of men a little bit more; second, we get a little more background on how Charlotte ended up in the ship; third, this chapter is just overall intriguing and makes you want to find out more about it; and lastly, that cliffhanger at the end. Your grammar in this chapter is pretty good, too, and I have no complaints. :3
(Also, I must thank the other reviewer for his advice-assuming this person is a "he"-because even though I don't really write stories about the sea, I feel like I should consider the more general aspects of his review when I write stuff. Thank you!)
*by "we" I mean the reader xD
| Complex Variable 8/23/12 . chapter 1
Very nice opening passage—and a very good eye for detail. Nevertheless—as it is for all of us—there are ways to make it even better.
You have: "The world was once good. It belonged to the heroes and the Samaritans, the common folk and people who shared their lives. Shared it with their children, their nephews and nieces, their granddaughters and grandsons."
Be careful: that third "sentence" isn't actually a complete sentence; I would connect it with the previous sentence by means of a semicolon, as I have done in this sentence.
Another non-sentence (at least, it sounds like one) is "Her life shared with her sisters and cousins during a time of pastel dresses flowing above tiny running feet.
I would change the beginning of it to read "She had shared her life with...". For mysterious grammatical reasons that I don't understand, the "had" makes it a sentence (or at least more of one).
The other reviewer is definitely spot-on in pointing out your flare for description, and imagery. Nevertheless—and, maybe it's just me being me—I would highly recommend inserting several commas, here and there. Commas aren't just parts of the grammatical structure of sentence; they also help demarcate the rhythm of your prose, which is important—especially in passages that flow the way that yours do. As a rule, when I read aloud my own work, I put in a comma wherever, and whenever, I take a brief pause in speaking. In my opinion, a good way to tell if your writing needs commas is to read it aloud, but, without stopping—not even for the slightest breath—unless you pass over a period, a comma, or some other, similar form of punctuation. If you find a part of it that sounds 'weird'—or, if you find yourself pausing to breathe, or, merely for the sake of rhythm, then—well... I would put the commas THERE. It really does make a difference; it tells your reader both how to interpret/understand your sentences' structure, and, how to 'sound it out'—in their minds, or out loud, with their voice.
I like the way you integrate Charlotte's reflections on her past into the overarching structure of this embarkation scene. It's always good to have an idea, or a plan, as to HOW you're going to say what needs to be said in addition to WHAT you're going to say; so, whatever you've been doing, keep it up.
Three things I would include (either—and preferably—now, or, in a later chapter) are more descriptions and characterizations of the following: the sea, the ship, and the place of departure. You've already inserted nice little wisps of description of the ship—the rails, the netting, the planks, etc.—but, especially if this story is going to take frequently use this particular ship as part of its setting—I would describe the ship in more general terms; i.e., what would it look like if your were walking toward it. The reason why I bring this up is because in sailing-voyage stories—but, also, in general—ships usually have important symbolic connotations—just think of the movies (Titanic, or 20,00 Leagues Under the Sea), you'll get what I mean.
The place the ship sets sail from (the place of departure) usually represents the "initial state" of a character, or characters—or, even of the story itself; and, hence you should describe it as well, just to give a better idea of where Charlotte is coming from. Likewise, the ship itself usually represents or reflects the characters on board, or the overall theme of the story. Challenges faced by the characters are mirrored by challenges faced by the ship (the main characters in Titanic have a sort of 'forbidden' love for one another, and so, the girl dies the same time the ship sinks; Captain Nemo has problems dealing with people, and so, the giant squid attacks—i.e., mistreats—his ship, the Nautilus).
Finally, you should ALWAYS write about the sea in a story that takes place on the sea! The sea is an awesome tool for a writer because of its ability to embody so many kinds of emotions. Using the sea, and, the ship and the point of departure, you can communicate your feelings and impressions of your story and its characters to the reader at a truly professional level—something that not all writers on this site choose to do; "they tell" you what to feel by having the characters say it directly, rather than "showing" those feelings by painting them for all to see in the story's background and in its atmosphere.
This looks like it is going to be a wonderful story—so keep it up!
| rainbowsandglitter13 8/17/12 . chapter 3
While I think you need to work on your punctuation, everything else is brilliant. This story looks like you truly did research so you could know how people in the time period your story is set spoke, and also, it seems like you've researched how it is to be in a ship (or maybe you have been in one). What I mean is, obviously you know what you're talking about. It would be awesome if we could get an explanation of why Charlotte is travelling in the Myriad... or does that come up later on in the story?
Anyway, you're doing an amazing job in this story. It's completely believable so far. I like it :3
| rainbowsandglitter13 8/17/12 . chapter 2
You're obviously amazing at descriptions. :3
| rainbowsandglitter13 8/17/12 . chapter 1
I love this. I also love your style of writing, it's sort of old-fashioned and that makes it interesting. I'm guessing that's what you were going for?
I hope I'm not being too nitpicky, but I found some mistakes in the text...
"Charlotte Wilcourt had beauty that shined" don't you mean "beauty that shone"? Otherwise, great description.
Plus, you missed your punctuation at some points but I guess it's nothing to worry about :P
Anyway, I really liked and am going to read the next few chapters. :3